As My Rabbi Says "Thank God it's Friday!"

Sarah Palin has decided to resign as governor of Alaska (an office to which she only had a quit claim deed anyhow) because, she realized, if she can see Russia from her house, then the Russians can see her! Many people are betting they'll be able to see her on the satellite dish much more frequently now as she will likely become a talking head on one of the networks. Fox is thinking of making her its critic to review the performance of late night TV hosts. She'd better be careful what she says or she'll wind up apologizing to a lot of her targets, don'tcha think?

The Outdoor Network wants her for a hunting and fishing show-- shooting moose, gutting fish, filed stripping liberals, executing criminals and generally killing anything that moves that isn't a fetus. She'll teach you how to bail out a canoe--or a kyack--but not a state. The show is tentatively titled "Survivor--2008 National Elections."

She has left the Lt. Governor in charge in Alaska, so he has vacated the Lt. Governor job in Alaska. As a New Yorker I have to ask, "What could go wrong with that?"

In New York, our long state holiday of life without a Senate has finally ended. The two parties have kissed and made up, and are busy patting and stabbing one another on the back. Republican-For- a Month Pedro Espada, who has become a Democrat for the second time this fiscal quarter (we think--can't quite keep count) has gone from being the Republican President of the Senate to being the Democratic Majority Leader. I blame this freakish occurrence on El Niño-- who I think is his campaign manager.

"Senate majority leaders get an additional $41,000 on top of their 'base' $79,500-a-year salary, as well as the right to hire dozens of patronage employees" the Gothamist reports. So Pedro gets to wear that new Majority Leader hat, and, like Cousin Minnie Pearl on the Grand Ole Oprey, it probably still has a price tag hanging from it that we won't get to read--but will get to pay. Rumor has it that part of the deal is that the Dems will not permit anyone to run in their primary against Espada--something he was not so insistent on during the two fortnights or so that he was a Republican.

But, as winning litigants in a lawsuit always say when they are counting the cash, "It was never about the money." {As an attorney, I have found that to be true about my clients--it's never about the money--until it comes time to talk about the money, that is.}

The Republicans, apparent losers (but who knows what deals have been cut) insist that it was about reform of the Senate rules. And they say "it's about time the rules were changed to allow the minority more say", since during the forty years the Republicans were in charge of the Senate that was an often heard complaint from the Democrats. Unfortunately, the Republicans never quite got around to turning their attention to that matter until they became the minority party.

In European sports, in Pamplona a young man running before the bulls was gored to death. Why do people do that? Don't they realize that sometimes you toss the bull, sometimes the bull tosses you? And in France, Lance Armstrong has been diagnosed as being in the early stages of the Tour de France.

And for tonight, that's the last laugh.

People are Always Dyin' to Get on TV

In February 1958 when Hollywood mogul Harry Cohn died, a classic comment (usually attributed to Red Skelton) was uttered when the wit saw the large number of people showing up for Cohn`s funeral: Give the people what they want, and they`ll turn out for it!

The Michael Jackson memorial service was such a big hit in the TV ratings that one network is thinking of making it into a series next year. Many people were wondering how an aging pop star of the rock era would be able to make money now that there's a new generation out there "who knew him not" as they say in Exodus 1:8. The nostalgia tours were wearing thin-- The Rolling Stones Jumpin' Geriatric Tour was not raking in the cash as their fans aged along with the stars. Many former celebrities, too old for "I'm A Celebrity--Get me Out of Here" found themselves between a Rock Cafe and a Hard Place.

The answer may be to sell exclusive rights to cover their memorial services and funerals. One network is planning a show tentatively called "America Had Talent." Death appears to be a good career move for some older stars of yesteryear. Instead of cops and cowboys saying to their sidekicks "Cover me" as they rush the bad guys, aging rock stars will be requesting the newer peripatetic bands of the current era to "Cover me."

Week after week gold caskets covered with Swarovski crystals and more flowers than gangster and/or Princess Di sendoffs will grace America's screens. We need something to boost the economy--and this might be it! Can't you just see the headline in Variety: "Fossils Fuel the Economy! " ?

Throwing the Overdue Book at 'Em ?

From the desk of The Smallest Claims Court Judge, Dee Minnie Moss, sitting in the Village Justice Court of the Village of Picayune, came an unusual masterpiece recently.

It involved a lawsuit by the Picayune Library against a patron, Casey Deetch, concerning an overdue DVD of last year's World Series Highlights-- such as they were. (You can see the Tampa Bay Rays' single victory at their website --Rays' Ipsa Loquitur). The lawsuit was to collect the fine for an overdue item-- a $1.00 a day fine for seven days from Deetch. Nowadays libraries lend out DVDs and other visual media in an attempt to stay relevant, even though it tends to discourage actual reading. They become libraries of incongruous matter. Friends of the Library, a band of citizen-patrons organized to support the library in its time of need (which is always, when it comes to libraries), occasionally volunteered to assist with administrative tasks at the library. The organization took no formal vote to do so, but, from time to time, members sent out postcards with overdue notices like the one in question that asked the purported miscreant Casey Deetch to pay up.

The defendant has a few startling assertions to make when he appeared at the bar of justice. He said it was illegal for the library to charge him anything for this overdue DVD. His argument was that a warning at the beginning of the DVD (not the FBI Warning that if you copy this DVD your name will go on the terrorist watch list--even if this is not the kind of entertainment that is on the lists of what terrorists watch) was placed there by major league baseball. It said that charging a fee for watching this video without the expressed written consent of major league baseball was prohibited. He challenged the library to come up with a letter of expressed consent authorizing it to charge him a fee.

The library countered that it was not charging him for watching the DVD--and it did not care if he watched it or not. Indeed, it preferred him to read a book. It was charging him for not returning the DVD on time.

This was a specious argument, the court ruled. If you go to a movie but you fall asleep, the court noted, you cannot get a refund on the basis that you didn't actually watch the movie, since viewing the production was your avowed intent in coming to the theater. If you take a DVD out of the library, your avowed intent is to watch it--whether or not you get around to it. If this argument were taken to its reductio ad absurdum conclusion, the library would never be able to charge overdue fines on any of the Great Books series, which patrons always take out with the best of intentions, and inevitably return unread.

Justice Moss queried, if you did not charge people to come to your bar to watch the World Series on your 56 inch flat screen HDTV with surround sound, but you charged them a fee to leave the bar, could you circumscribe the major league baseball prohibition on fee charging?

And while the case was nominally about the paltry sum seven dollars, much more could be at stake for Deetch. In Wisconsin you can be jailed for not paying your library fine, as Heidi Dalibor, seen in this mug shot was not long ago. Your credit rating can be affected if the unpaid fine is reported to an agencythat monitors deadbeats. While New York City Mayor Jimmy Walker famously said that he had never yet heard of a girl being ruined by a book, some womens' credit scores have been ruined by overdue ones.

But Casey Deetch was not finished. He had a cross claim to assert against the organization that sent the postcard--the Friends of the Library. (It is not a religious organization--those Quaker "Friends" do hold services where it is as quiet as a library, and may go to the library religiously--but they are not connected with this organization.) Libraries are institutions that could use friends nowadays--what with the cuts in municipal services engendered by the recession.

Yet, there are organizations that have libraries in their gun sights--trying to snipe at them for certain controversial and suprisingly non-controversial books on the shelves that members of those groups find offensive to their morals or tastes. An entire week dedicated to banned books is a result of those people who would censor our reading. These organizations should be known as "Enemies of the Library," but aren't--yet.

Casey Deetch charged the Friends of the Library with being a debt collector under the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act (FDCPA), 15 USC Section 1692. The act prohibits, inter alia, anyone who assists a creditor from contacting a debtor using a postcard. Reluctantly, Justice Moss found the Friends of the Library guilty, and fined them seven dollars. She indicated she would stay her fine until the Friends appealed. She also noted that as an unincorporated not for profit association that had not registered under the New York Not For Profit Corporations Law, they were free to disband. Casey Deetch had only sued the organization and not its officers or members. Since unincorporated groups act only through a majority vote of their general membership, (which in this case, did not take place), there would be no entity left to pay the fine or be liable.

I would have liked to present the Justice's opinion verbatim, but she noted on the bottom of it that it could not be quoted without the expressed written consent of the the official New York State Law Reporting Bureau.

Found: Lacking in Common Census

Al Franken has been elected after a longer election night than they have in Alaska. On Ground Hog Day in Minnesota, when the eponymous rodent sees Norm Coleman's shadow, it means six more months of litigation. Minnesota's congressional delegation will range from Franken on the left to Michele Bachmann on the right, that, is from the former intentionally comic, to the current unintentionally humorous legislator.

Recently Bachmann has been carrying on about the census. She says it has been used in the past to round up the Japanese to place them in internment camps. (Did Lou Dobbs respond: "Not that that's a bad thing!"?) So she will not be filling out much of her census questionnaire. "I know for my family the only question we will be answering is how many people are in our home," she said. "We won't be answering any information beyond that, because the Constitution doesn't require any information beyond that," the maverick Congresslady said. Since she works for the government, you think they'd know where to find her when the round up begins. Maybe where Uncle Sam sends her paycheck would be a god place to start looking.

If she tells her employer, Congress, that she lives in a post office box (but wait--isn't the post office part of the government conspiracy to acquire knowledge about you--like the size of your zip code?), the sneaky Dems can just put a piece of legislation on the floor to replace the FBI with ACORN and then conduct a quorum call; the equivalent of yelling "Marco," and waiting for her "Polo" in response.

What she said was : "Take this into consideration. If we look at American history, between 1942 and 1947, the data that was collected by the Census Bureau was handed over to the FBI and other organizations at the request of President Roosevelt, and that's how the Japanese were rounded up and put into the internment camps." She is against that, because she does not want the government to force her office to employ a Japanese intern.

She has also voiced concerns that AmeriCorps, created by FDR, will result in mandatory reeducation camps for American youth. On Hardball, she said members of congress should be investigated for being “unamerican”. She has courageously taken a position insisting that the dollar remain the currency of the United States--something that currently is the law of the land (31 USC Section 5103). No one has suggesting replacing it with the yuan yet.

She remarked to the media: "I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president Jimmy Carter. And I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence." The 1976 swine flu scare happened on Gerald Ford's watch.

She is also against the census because she says that ACORN will be doing it. Even if that were true, which it isn't, wouldn't she be better off raising her concerns in some legislation to block it, since that's what congresspersons do, rather than by committing civil disobedience, and risking a one hundred dollar a question fine (13 USC Sec. 221) ? Or does she suspect that not enough of her colleagues share her rampant paranoia about this issue, because they think her elevator doesn't go all the way to her penthouse?

She told Sean Hannity about the census: "They don't ask, "Are you an American citizen?" They don't ask if you're here on a visa or when it expires. We have no real idea how many illegal aliens are in our country. But wouldn't you think, here they are asking every personal question about our lives, they could at least ask if we're an American citizen? They don't bother to ask for that.

Here is where they ask the question on page 18 of the long form census questionnaire. The census has asked that question since 1850.

As we have noted before in this profile, this year the census will nominally be headed by a celebrity--Sesame Street's Count Von Count, the first openly Vampire-American (Blood type V Positive) to have a prominent place in national politics. Vampires are a group traditionally under represented in government (at least on the day shift). (We could only find one. According to this web encyclopedia, he is Karl Rove).

What would be the ultimate irony of a Minnesota census boycott urged by Bachmann ? " The Minneapolis Star Tribune ran a fascinating editorial [last week], which pointed out that by urging her constituents not to take part in the 2010 Census, Bachmann may end up costing herself her own House seat, because if Minnesota does lose a House seat, Bachmann seat is a prime candidate for absorption."

And for tonight, that's the last laugh.

HAVE A GOOD 4th OF JULY

Happy 4th of July. Click of Images to enlarge:

BREAKING NEWS STORY: MICHAEL JACKSON STILL DEAD !

Here are two proposed modest memorials to Michael Jackson:

That Geese May Safely Graze.....

Click to enlarge

The Senate that's Not Worth its Salt

Many of the laws of New York set to expire July 1 have had the sun set on them because the New York State Senate refuses to meet and act on them. New York City's school system has expired like a carton of milk with last month's date on it, and they're plenty of sour milk to go around.The State Comptroller estimates that the failure of the State Senate to meet has cost taxpayers three billion dollars.

The New York Senate makes the "do nothing Congress" look like FDR's first hundred days.

Woody Allen is quoted (perhaps incorrectly) as having set that 90% percent of life is showing up. (The other ten percent he doesn't address--it's probably New York State Income Tax.)

The New York State Senate is a house divided against itself, and cannot....be paid? The Senate is not worth their salt. As you know, the word "salary" comes from the time Roman soldiers were paid in salt. Should New York Senators get paid? Can they?

The first problem is who verifies the payroll. The presiding officer in the Senate is supposed to sign the payroll, verifying to the Comptroller that these people on it should be paid. But neither party can agree who the presiding officer is.

"Our belief is that the controller can't really verify that it's an authorized [payroll] form because there is no known authorized presiding officer," the governor said. "It's in dispute right now.

"It is a technicality that - finally, around here - works in the public's favor," the Daily News notes.

The State Comptroller has refused to process vouchers for the Senators, so he will stop their pay. He can't do that, can he ?

Maybe he must. In People v. Ohrenstein 77 NY2d 38 a state senator was charged with creating no show jobs for campaign workers. He defended on the grounds of legislative immunity, but the Court of Appeals wrote :

" But no matter how far the immunity may extend under the State Constitution, it cannot be said that it was intended to provide a sanctuary for legislators who would defraud the state by knowingly placing on its payroll employees who were never intended to do anything but receive state moneys."

Is it larceny under false pretenses when someone claims to be a legislator, but refuses to legislate? Is it criminal impersonation of a State Senator to hold yourself out to be a senator, yet refuse to vote on anything ? Stay tuned.

July--like a Rug ?

Today is July 1--the beginning of the Fiscal New Year! So happy Fiscal New Year to those of you who have a fisc left to celebrate with. It is also the birthday of my youngest son and two eldest grandchildren--so happy birthday all. . . .

It is the twentieth anniversary of WFAN as well. Do you think that all talk sports radio is a blessing or a curse ? "Sports Radio: Threat or Menace" is an article I'm considering. In art, first there was the Age of Modernism and then Postmodernism--whatever that is (probably nothing to do with the New York Post. The New York Post is an institution that disproves the theory of evolution, it's editors/publishers having begun with Alexander Hamilton, but whose current publisher is Ruppert Murdock.) By analogy, we have just lived through the Information Age. With the web, talk radio, a plethora of talking head cable news stations, instant messaging, twitter and You Tube, Face book, My Space, and text messaging, can we call this the Age of Too Much Information? If you don't think so, wait until you get bombarded with the sex lives of Michael Jackson and Mark Sanford at the same time. Do you expect to see a tabloid headline "Mark Sanford is Father of Michael Jackson's Kids?"

If you don't think this is the Age of Too Much Information wait until you get your next discovery motion with an "information hold" request all all emails, IMs, and correspondence. Is an "information hold" that space at the bottom of your ship ?

Today on WFAN someone referred to the Mets as "scrappy." "Scrappy" is a contraction of "It's" and "Crappy." "Scrap" is what is left over after you've made something valuable.

Getting Your Health Care from G.M.--Government Medicine

After the over one thousand ninety page cap and trade bill served up to a lukewarm climate in the House, the next item on the White House Agenda is health care. What, you may well ask, is the plan for government health care delivery?

This blog's Medical advisers, Dr. Kay Vorkian and Dr. Les Kopey, have scrutinized the Obama plan with stethoscope and expensive medical technology--including the new diagnostic tool the DOGSCAN (Diagnostic Overview by Government's Scientific Computerized Algorhythmic System). This is their report on how the government will deliver services and save money. (The more money the government can save, the more businesses it can acquire!)

Government will keep overhead down by the use of existing facilities wherever possible. Annual check ups will occur at the post office branch nearest you. The good news is that the co-pay will only be forty four cents. However, in an effort to fight obesity, everyone will be assigned a target weight based upon height, age, body type, tax bracket, profession, and an algorithm that rivals the 2009 Federal tax regulations in complexity. For the second ounce and each additional ounce that a person is overweight, a fee of seventeen cents per ounce will be assessed. (That's $ 2.72 a pound.) If you are twenty pounds overweight, you will pay $54.40 (or fight).

The government has calculated that $ 2.72 per pound is not such a high cost--it is the equivalent of what you couch potatoes would pay for potato salad, for example. If lobster is $ 5.99 a pound aren't you at least the equal in value of a crustacean ? It's a decent price for a pound of hamburger--and haven't you been complaining that your current HMO already treats you like a piece of meat ?

If you need to be x-rayed, the government will send you to its facilities at the nearest airport, where trained Homeland Security officers at the gates will x-ray and ultra-violate you as needed. You can leave them urine and stool samples if you'd like--part of the "I gave at the orifice" plan. As you might suspect, many people are more than happy to leave the government a stool sample.

Now that the government owns G.M., (soon to be renamed "Government Medicine") many of the repair shops that are maintained by dealerships will be able to offer you preventive maintenance or put you up on a lift, check your underside, and lubricate your squeaky joints as needed after one year or ten thousand miles, which ever comes first. They will install computerized modules in your epidermis, and when your "checkin' G.M." light goes on, it's time to come in for a computerized diagnosis. You can have some of your fluids replaced if needed, all your belts checked (and tightened or loosened), and your shoes rotated. Have you got back pain? Come see Mr. Good Wrenched Back--a certified technician.

As with all G.M. warranties, items not covered by Government Medicine include " damage due to accident, misuse, alteration, insufficient or improper maintenance, contaminated or poor quality fuel... For complete details refer to your Warranty and Owner Assistance Information booklet."

The ambulance system will be run by Amtrack with regularly scheduled excursions (peak fares higher during holidays), and some ambulances may have a scenic observation deck. Check with the National Transportation Safety Board for the class of service available to you.

Malpractice claims will be handled by FEMA--which can also offer you a great deal on a slightly used trailer if your mortgage was recently foreclosed.

Congress has expressed some reluctance to institute this plan--until our solons thought it through. Then it dawned on them that pharmaceutical company representatives will be calling on them to request that the government purchase billions of dollars in erectile dysfunction medications. Just as with doctors, the drug company reps can offer your Congressperson pens, mugs, tissue boxes and scratchpads with the name of drug companies on them--and also provide lavish junkets to exotic resorts and dinners at four star restaurants.

So a toast is in order --à votre santé!

View of New YorkCity from Palisades Today

Click on image to enlarge

The Case of the Missing Case

Recently an unreported decision of the upstate Margueritaville Justice Court came to our attention just in time for next week's holiday weekend:

VILLAGE JUSTICE COURT OF THE VILLAGE OF MARGUERITAVILLE
APPLEKNOCKER COUNTY: STATE OF NEW YORK
_________________________________________________x

PEOPLE OF THE STATE OF NEW YORK


- against-

PERRY MATERIA,

Defendant.
________________________________________________x

HON. GORDIE N. KNOTT, Associate Village Justice

This is one of several prosecutions of convenience store clerks for selling beer to a minor.

Penal Law Section 260.20, Unlawfully dealing with a child in the first degree, provides: " A person is guilty of unlawfully dealing with a child in the first degree when:... 2. He gives or sells or causes to be given or sold any alcoholic beverage, as defined by section three of the alcoholic beverage control law, to a person less than twenty-one years old..." with statutory exceptions not relevant here. The crime is a class A misdemeanor.

Prior to the case at bar, a dreary parade of bedraggled minimum wage clerks humbly besought mercy from the court and were fined accordingly. I am not opposed to this kind of case, for were it not for such manufactured crimes in this sleepy community, there would be little need for my services as the Associate Village Justice.

This case, refreshingly, did not result in a plea of guilty. It concerns a local deli clerk, the defendant Perry Materia, who was employed as a counterman at the Kindest Cut of All Delicatessen. Materia is a first year law student clearly on his way to a stellar career in the defense bar. He opted for a trial at which he appeared pro se.

The prosecution's only witness was the agent provocateur Mister Marshall Javert. While he appeared clean shaven, on cross examination it was extracted from him that, on the date in question, he had a two day growth of beard, and was six feet tall and weighed two hundred pounds. He testified that when he was asked by the defendant how old he was, Javert replied untruthfully that he was twenty-two. In fact, he testified, he is but 19, and produced a birth certificate which he displayed in court. In this type of prosecution the "born on date" of the purchaser is more important than the born on date of the beer. While what he responded to Materia was a prevarication, the falsehood certainly appeared to be true. His attempt to mislead Materia has led me to question the veracity of his answers to any questions, given this propensity to deceive.

The prosecutrix, Asst. District Attorney Anna Metronick, convincingly argued that how old the purchaser appears to be is not a defense to charge of sale of an alcoholic beverage to a minor, People v. Werner, 174 NY 2d 132 (1903), because this is a malum prohibitum offense. Perry Materia replied that such a categorization meant that the offense was not malum in se, hence the sale was only illegal because the United States government, with the enactment of the National Minimum Drinking Age Act in 1984, had chosen to ride roughshod over the superior judgment of the People of New York that there was nothing wrong (and perhaps something salutatory) in the sale of beer to a nineteen year old.

Indeed, when the Werner case was decided the drinking age was eighteen, the people of New York having chosen to believe that the soldiers it would send off to defend the rights and liberties of our nation in the following decade should be able to relax with a beer if they so chose. ("Old enough to fight, old enough to drink" was a rallying cry against the intrusion of a paternalistic federal government.) Materia offered to brief the issue of whether the 1984 Federal law, imposed by coercion upon a recalcitrant New York legislature (a body infamously unwilling to act on much of anything), was a violation of the Ninth and Tenth Amendments to the Constitution. Happily, the outcome of this decision will obviate that need.

The undercover stool pigeon testified that on July 1 Materia sold him a case of a beverage that was labeled "beer" somewhere on the cardboard exterior, but which had unaccountably vanished from the evidence locker at the Margueritaville police station shortly after the police department's annual 4th of July picnic. However, the witness did produce for the court a register receipt with the words "Carton-- R. Beer" on it, and identified the defendant as the person who sold it to him. Javert returned to the store immediately with uniformed police who arrested the would be lawyer. Mr. Materia protested that his opportunity to be admitted to the bar might be at jeopardized. "Javert: It's a pity the law doesn't allow me to be merciful."

Materia's attack started with the first question to the witness, which was "State your name for the record." Materia's objection was that it was hearsay. The witness had to concede that he believed he was named Marshall Javert because his parents told him that it was the name they had given him . This is, of course, classical hearsay as the defendant (who recently was awarded a grade of "A" in his evidence class) properly observed.

The prosecution went down hill like a runaway beer truck from there. Materia noted that Javert was himself an accomplice to the alleged crime. Because Javert was an accomplice, his testimony needed to be corroborated. This observation is correct, as the Criminal Procedure Law states:

 § 60.22  Rules of evidence; corroboration of accomplice testimony.
1.  A defendant may not be convicted of any offense upon the testimony
of  an  accomplice  unsupported  by  corroborative  evidence  tending to
connect the defendant with the commission of such offense.
2.   An "accomplice"  means  a  witness  in  a  criminal  action  who,
according  to  evidence  adduced  in  such  action,  may  reasonably  be
considered to have participated in:
(a)  The offense charged; and
3.  A witness who is an accomplice as defined in subdivision two is no
less such because a prosecution or conviction of himself would be barred
or  precluded by some defense or exemption,

Therefore, the fact that Javert was an undercover agent hired for the purpose of creating a violation of the law where none existed previously imposes on the prosecution the burden of corroborating his testimony. While each and every element need not be corroborated, and, indeed, the fact that Materia committed a crime need not be corroborated; the law requires that minimally there be corroboration that a crime did occur. Since it is no crime to sell beer to someone over twenty-one years old, the age of the purchaser is a crucial element to establishing a violation of law.

Here there is no proof that Javert was, in fact, under twenty-one. It is not an element of which the court could take judicial notice--indeed, I have judiciously noticed that Javert looks like he is over twenty-one. When the issue was raised ADA Metronick, to her credit, produced a certified birth certificate properly attested to, with a raised seal engrossed upon it. While it does prove beyond a reasonable doubt that there is a Marshall Javert born only nineteen years prior to the date of the sale of the items in question, Mr. Materia pointed out that the fact that the witness was the Javert to whom the certificate referred was proven solely by his own hearsay evidence, citing as persuasive authority the made for television movie "Switched at Birth."

Ms. Matronick pointed out that such a ruling would be unprecedented, and rightly so. However, Mr. Materia perceptively replied that when an argument is raised for the first time it is always unprecedented until a judge issues a ruling.

More damning, however, was the failure to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the item in question was an alcoholic beverage. The witness Javert described the item in question as having the word "beer" emblazoned on the cardboard carton he brought to the counter and on the metal containers in which the liquid in question was contained. Materia elicited on cross examination that he never opened the carton himself when Javert brought it to the counter, and only cursorily scanned the bar code on the carton, briefly glancing up from the Richardson on Evidence text he was studying.

The courts' exhaustive reaseach at The Beer Site reveals that there are several hundred beers with names that begin with the letter "R," ranging from Raccoon Lodge Badger Blond Bock to Royal, with brands like Ramapo Valley Passover Honey Beer and Rolling Rock in between.

However, Perry Materia produced several cans which Javert had to concede were also located in the deli that said "Root Beer" on them, and which did not list any alcoholic substance in the ingredients label on the containers. Neither was" beer" or "alcohol" mentioned as an ingredient on a bag of snack food labeled "Beer Pretzels" introduced as Defendant's Exhibit B, nor was there any "ale" in the ginger ale the deli sold.

The receipt created by Materia on July 1 listed " carton R. beer" as an item purchased, the prosecutrix pointed out. On cross examination of Javert, Materia proved that he scanned the bar code on the carton with a laser, and the receipt was automatically produced as a result. The words on the receipt were not written by Materia, and were not an admission against penal interest, nor was he given Miranda warnings by Javert before the latter demanded a receipt.

Moreover, upon cross examination, the "minor" Javert (after having been given his Miranda warnings at the insistence of Mr. Materia) denied that he had actually sampled the beverage he bought. The word "beer" on the receipt was, therefore, also a classic illustration of a hearsay declaration by an unknown and unidentified party who had programmed the cash register to produce the receipt. Neither the reliability of the computer code that resulted in the receipt nor the person who wrote the program to create it was proven.

While the carton manufacturer (who may or may not have been the beverage manufacturer) may have designated the item as "beer," Mr. Javert did not know of his own knowledge that the item, in fact, contained the requisite volume of alcohol to bring it within the Penal Law prohibitions. The items in question disappeared from the evidence locker before gas chromatograph mass spectrometer tests could be run on the contents, which, in turn, would have required a confrontation with the toxicologist who produced it (Melendez-Diaz v. Massachusetts (07-591)__US ___(June 26, 2009) for any report so generated to be admissible.

Had but one can in this "case of the missing case" remained, the court could have taken sample quaffs of the beverage in order to assure itself that a conviction would not result in an injustice; but, alas, the Margueritaville police did not have the foresight to preserve a can for the court. This is an omission that they are urged to rectify in future prosecutions of this nature, and it shall become "the law of the case."

All charges are dismissed.

Summertime---and the Livin' is Sleazy

Now the investigations begin about the death of Michael Jackson--and whether he will following in the footsteps needle tracks of Elvis and Anna Nicole Smith--pop icons who died of prescription drug abuse. No one has yet suggested that Michael was deliberately murdered--although the person who benefits most from his death may be Gov. Mark Sanford--who gets several news cycles off for bad bad behavior.

He joins the list of recently disgraces governors--like Elliot Spitzer, who once called Sex and the City and asked if they had take out.

Fox News has an annoying habit when it comes to covering sex scandals. Well, they would call it a mistake, but how many times do you make the same "mistake" and get to say it was unintentional? On their chyron they label the pols who stray as democrats.

When presidential aspirants were suggesting that John McCain was not a true Republican because of some of his stances on issues, Fox News "accidentally" labeled him a democrat.
After Mark Foley was caught soliciting teen aged boys for a Close Encounter of the "R" Rated Kind, it got rated "D" instead by the Fox denizens:


Before Arlen Spector decided he's rather switch than fight, he was labeled a Democrat in a Fox mistake. Joe Lieberman, after he switched from being a democrat was I.D.'ed four times as one by the network that says "We distort, You deride" or something like that. When Michael "You're Doing a Great Job Brownie" Brown was horsing around while New Orleans flooded, the FEMA head was labeled a democrat on the Fox news crawl.

In their defense, Fox points out that when John Edwards was revealed to be an adulterer, Fox never once mislabeled him as a Republican.

So it comes as no surprise that when Republican Mark Sanford's marriage and credibility went south of the border this is what came spinning out of Fair and Balancedland:




So now you see why Fox News is one of my bête no "R" s.

The Sanforized Governor--Last Tango in Argentina ?

Department of O, What a Tangoed Web we Weave..Argentine Division.

OK, the Supremecourtjester, the patron saint of loused causes, has come up with a defense for Gov. Mark Sanford. It seems that Republicans were telling him that, as a governor who wanted to run for president, he needed some experience in foreign affairs. He just misunderstood what they meant. And they misunderstood what he meant when he said he was especially interested in a satisfying relationship with Southern hemisphere contacts.

Meanwhile, the tax and trade bill that would impose a tax on out of wedlock relationships (one of the grossest national products (blooming on legislative branches like a parasitic mistletoe plant)) seems to be headed nowhere again this session of congress. The bill (another sin tax")would impose a surcharge (why is it misspelled "sir charge" in the bill?) on illicit affairs by legislators. As usual, the confusing language of the tax bill with subsections of subsections, qualifications and exceptions would impose an assessment on a sliding scale, depending on length of the affair, rank of the politician, number of tearful press conferences, and a surcharge on the surcharge for recidivists. Husbands and wives having separate affairs can file jointly, but the term "joint return" would have a wholly different definition for tax purposes.

Although Congress is desperate for something to tax that as yet is not subject to government revenuers, somehow this bill just never seems to be able to make it out of committee.