THE VERY MODEL OF A MODERN MAJOR GENERAL RELEASE

This form was produced by the Multinational Corporation Protective Council, to protect heartless and bloodless corporations (which are creatures of statute without pride of ancestry or hope of posterity). It was written in cahoots with the Trilateral Commission, and crossed our desk recently with a paltry settlement check.
UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER TO AND GENERAL RELEASE OF LARGE MULTINATIONAL CORPORATION

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN AND OTHERS WHO ARE JUST NOSY::
General Release executed this day of , by Releasor ____________ ( hereinafter "Really Sore") whose address is 000 Northchester Drive, Nouveau Riche on Hudson, New York, and Humungous Multi National Corporation Inc. (hereinafter "Really Seize") of everywhere and anywhere (Internet address biglie@voracious.org), In consideration of the sum of What Seems Like A Lot To You but is Petty Cash to a Corporation Like Us ($00,000,000.00) less applicable withholding, and other deductions which greatly diminish it (hereinafter "Government's Cut") in (hot little) hand which nowadays is considered FAIR AND ADEQUATE VALUABLE CONSIDERATION, and other good and sufficient consideration too illegal to mention received from Really Seize, receipt of the legal portion of which is hereby acknowledged and the illegal portion of which is hereby denied, the Really Sore for himself, his alter egos, super ego, id, inner child, his clones, image, reputation, good name, his ghost, shadow, aliases, his A/K/A's, D/B/A's and IOUs, his C.B. handle, all his domain names, his various on line identities, his avatars, all of his multiple personalities, his DNA or any mutation thereof, his immortal soul, his aura, and his heirs, his executors, administrators, children as yet unborn to the extent that guardians ad litem have not been named for them, his wife to the extent he is permitted to speak for her, his conservators, trustees, committee (including any sub committees), his proxies, his predecessors, closely held corporations, very limited partnerships, his assigns and Zodiac sign,
FOREVER RELEASES, DISCHARGES AND UNCONDITIONALLY SURRENDERS to the Really Seize, its parent corporation and sibling corporations (legitimate and illegitimate), and all of their present, former, and future subsidiaries and affiliates, partnerships, allied foreign entities in strange forms, hidden trusts and tax dodging mechanisms in tax havens, and foreign governments and/or politicians who are in their pockets; and each of them;
ALL OF THEIR PRESENT, former and future officers, directors, employees, agents, representatives, partners, successors, failures, flunkies, sycophants, yes men, henchmen, lackies, toadies, go-fers, toe kissers, brown nosers, apple polishers, boot lickers, lap dogs, myrmidons, spinmeisters, flacks, hacks, buttboys, briefcase carriers, scrubs, bench warmers, retainers, spear carriers, supernumeraries, subordinates, beasts of burden, office temps, per diems, menials, wannabees, hangers on, freeloaders, time servers, water cooler jockeys, clock watchers, photocopy machine romeos, wage slaves, pencil pushers, nit pickers, officious middle managers, bean counters, number crunchers, data processors, computer networkers, amanuenses, navel contemplators, interns, outterns, bureaucrats, wool gatherers, alibi Ikes, no shows, factotums, underlings, serfs, vassals, peons, pawns, indentured servants, pissants, varlets, valets, hirelings, puppets, quislings, parasites, fall guys, duffers, novices, greenhorns, schlemiels, sacrificial lambs, Judas goats, scapegoats, stooges, cannon fodder, straw men, drones, clones, schmoozers, snoozers, boozers, losers, receptionists, deceptionists, eye candy, mercenaries, goons, finks, scabs, operatives, informers, stool pigeons, jackals, hit men, condottieri, front men, tortfeasors, accomplices, co-conspirators, chums, cronies, retinues, poker buddies, entourages, posse, apologists, spinmeisters, caddies, astrologers, money launderers, shills, Swiss Bankers, mouthpieces, pettifogers, consigliari, scriveners, sophists, rogues, flotsam and jetsam, significant others, insignificant others, dependents, co-dependents, independent contractors including their undocumented aliens working off the books, and assigns, RICO, ERISA, OSHA, and each of them jointly and severally,
FROM AND AGAINST any and all claims, demands, causes of action, alleged dues and/or don'ts, obligations, onuses, requirements, mandates, accounts, extents, exposures, jeopardies, or liabilities of any kind whatsoever (whether legal or equitable, illegal or inequitable, moral or immoral); be they contractual, tortious or tortuous;
WHETHER (OR NOT) SUCH CLAIM IS PURSUANT TO common law, canon law, maritime law, case law, or federal, state, local, international, and interplanetary law (or anarchy) created by statute, Constitution, Administrative agency or Authority, regulation, rule, covenant, by law or by-law, charter, house rule, treaty, compact, concord, tontine, deal, pledge, perk, privilege, habit, custom, fashion, protocol, dogma, public opinion, prevailing style, usage, birthright, heritage, religion, societal norm or established pecking order, or because mom says so and she's your mom; no matter how they are alleged to have arisen which Really Sore now has or has ever had, or ever imagined to have against Really Seize by reason of any act, occurrence, omission, transaction, transgression, infraction, booboo, shakedown, rumor, insinuation, innuendo, thought, perceived slight (Real or imagined, conscious, subconscious or unconscious presently known or unknown, even if the memory of the same is presently psychologically repressed or known only to God), of Really Seize whether compensable or preposterous, from the time when the Universe was just a twinkling in the Creator's eyes up to and including the date of this release and until the cows come home and thereafter,
ARISING OUT OF OR RELATED TO the claim against Really Seize in a summons and complaint dated the day of 20__ or any claim which arises from, was made or could have been made, or could not have been made upon the facts related therein, or is in any way related to that claim by any stretch of the imagination; now and forever, to have and to hold (and to release), for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer,
AND FURTHER RELEASES AND WAIVES any claim concerning this agreement and the contents hereof, including but not limited to claims that this release was procured by fraud and deceit, overreaching, coercion, creative accounting, a media campaign, or because of the mental condition of the Really Sore (or lack thereof) that could be made in any forum including but not limited to in therapy or on a talk show. Really Sore is advised pursuant to the Older Workers Benefits Protection Act, the Age Discrimination in Employment Act (29 U.S.C.§ 621), and the Lawyer and Accountant Full Employment Act you have a right to consult with an attorney before signing this agreement. You have twenty one (21) days from the date of receipt of this agreement to consider your fate. If you sign this agreement you have seven (7) days in which to revoke this agreement, and if you do this agreement will be of no force and effect, and your attorney and Really Seize will descend upon you with both feet. No payments will be made to you until this seven (35) day period has expired. Really Sore affirmatively represents that before signing this agreement he has consulted an attorney, at least three legal advice websites, a physician, a psychiatrist, a substance abuse counselor, a spiritual leader, the Psychic Hotline, a guru, a palm reader, his know-it-all brother-in-law, the Oracle at Delphi, N.Y. and a registered Astrologer. Really Sore affirmatively asserts that he is not suffering from any condition that would prevent him from understanding what he is doing any more than any of the rest of us, and that he is not currently under the influence of any drug (legal or illegal), any alcoholic beverage, a sugar high, or any charlatan, guru, cult leader or radio waves generated by alien beings in a manner that prohibit him from comprehending in excruciating detail all the multi-layered nuances of this agreement.
Really Sore AGREES THAT this release is in Plain Language AND BIG ENOUGH TYPE TO READ. Really Sore represents he has read this agreement thoroughly and diligently, looking up all of the big words he did not understand in a dictionary approved by the American Librarian's Association, agrees with all the provisions of it, and is tickled pink to sign it just as it is. Really Sore affirmatively states that he has been told by an astrologer/chiropractor that Really Sore is signing on an auspicious day when the stars and his spinal column are properly aligned. Really Sore promises to think only kind thoughts about Really Seize. The parties agree that nothing contained herein is an admission of anything whatsoever by Really Seize, including but not limited to admissions that Really Seize exists at all, and anyone who says so is itching for a fight.
REALLY SORE agrees to cooperate fooly with REALLY SEIZE in its defense of any claim in any forum by perjury if necessary, and to hold REALLY SEIZE harmless for any and all claims. REALLY SORE AGREES that the terms of this settlement are CONFIDENTIAL and are on a need-to-know basis. Since there are some provisions of this general release that REALLY SEIZE believes REALLY SORE does not need to know, REALLY SORE has not been shown them. Should the terms of this agreement leak to the public even if it is not the fault of REALLY SORE, then REALLY SORE will forfeit the VALUABLE CONSIDERATION mentioned herein to Really Seize together with inflated costs and the exorbitant legal fees and unjustifiably padded expenses paid by Really Seize to several unctuous firms of attorneys.
THIS RELEASE may not be modified orally, in writing, electronically, telepathically or any other way. It shall be effective immediately upon its execution nunc pro tunc. WORDS USED in their singular sense shall also encompass the pluralistic and vice versa. Words of the male gender shall also include malefactors where appropriate, as well as refer to the female gender without gender neutering. Words used in the present tense shall also include the past and future tense, but not the conditional or subjunctive tense unless so interpreted by Really Seize. Rules of Grammar shall apply only where they are applicable. Rules of Punctuation and Capitalization shall apply RANDOMLY. There are no section headings in this release. If there were section headings, they would be illustrative only, and would not form a part of the agreement. The provisions of this agreement are severable (as is Really Sore). If any portion of this agreement is held to be unenforceable or invalid (or Really Sore is held to be an invalid) it will not affect the unconscionably of the remaining portions thereof.
REALLY SORE agrees that this agreement was drafted jointly even though it was not, and that REALLY SORE shall be deemed a scrivener for purposes of this agreement, even though he does not have the foggiest idea what that term means and could not spell it on a bet.
REALLY SEIZE may then pick and choose which portions of this agreement it will honor. Should Really Seize believe that Really Sore has violated, will violate, or is thinking of violating the terms of this release, Really Seize may commence an action. Venue for such action shall be the Court of the Star Chamber. The Laws of the Pack shall be the only law applicable to this agreement. Really Sore waives service of process in any such action, waives trial by jury and consents to trial by wombat,the entry of an immediate default judgment in favor of Really Seize, and immediate execution of any judgment obtained therefrom by seizure of all of Really Sore's assets in the middle of the night by human waves of repo men.
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IN WITNESS WHEREOF after profusely swearing an oath the REALLY SORE has hereto and thereto etcetera, etcetera, yatta yatta yatta set REALLY SORE'S hand and seal, made his mark and affixed his logo with the blood out of his veins this ______day of _____ in a manner notoriously public.
I REALLY MEAN THIS:
__________________________
REALLY SORE, his mark
Before me this___day of _____20 appeared_____________, the REALLY SORE herein who showed me three (6) forms of photographic identification and left me a DNA sample and 25 cents (two bits) and who acknowledged that he is the REALLY SORE herein, and that he is absolutely thrilled with this settlement which I witnessed him sign.
____________________________

Notary Public


INSTRUCTIONS TO REALLY SORE: Please execute yourself in front of a notary, and return to us in triplicate in this envelope.