Getting Your Health Care from G.M.--Government Medicine

After the over one thousand ninety page cap and trade bill served up to a lukewarm climate in the House, the next item on the White House Agenda is health care. What, you may well ask, is the plan for government health care delivery?

This blog's Medical advisers, Dr. Kay Vorkian and Dr. Les Kopey, have scrutinized the Obama plan with stethoscope and expensive medical technology--including the new diagnostic tool the DOGSCAN (Diagnostic Overview by Government's Scientific Computerized Algorhythmic System). This is their report on how the government will deliver services and save money. (The more money the government can save, the more businesses it can acquire!)

Government will keep overhead down by the use of existing facilities wherever possible. Annual check ups will occur at the post office branch nearest you. The good news is that the co-pay will only be forty four cents. However, in an effort to fight obesity, everyone will be assigned a target weight based upon height, age, body type, tax bracket, profession, and an algorithm that rivals the 2009 Federal tax regulations in complexity. For the second ounce and each additional ounce that a person is overweight, a fee of seventeen cents per ounce will be assessed. (That's $ 2.72 a pound.) If you are twenty pounds overweight, you will pay $54.40 (or fight).

The government has calculated that $ 2.72 per pound is not such a high cost--it is the equivalent of what you couch potatoes would pay for potato salad, for example. If lobster is $ 5.99 a pound aren't you at least the equal in value of a crustacean ? It's a decent price for a pound of hamburger--and haven't you been complaining that your current HMO already treats you like a piece of meat ?

If you need to be x-rayed, the government will send you to its facilities at the nearest airport, where trained Homeland Security officers at the gates will x-ray and ultra-violate you as needed. You can leave them urine and stool samples if you'd like--part of the "I gave at the orifice" plan. As you might suspect, many people are more than happy to leave the government a stool sample.

Now that the government owns G.M., (soon to be renamed "Government Medicine") many of the repair shops that are maintained by dealerships will be able to offer you preventive maintenance or put you up on a lift, check your underside, and lubricate your squeaky joints as needed after one year or ten thousand miles, which ever comes first. They will install computerized modules in your epidermis, and when your "checkin' G.M." light goes on, it's time to come in for a computerized diagnosis. You can have some of your fluids replaced if needed, all your belts checked (and tightened or loosened), and your shoes rotated. Have you got back pain? Come see Mr. Good Wrenched Back--a certified technician.

As with all G.M. warranties, items not covered by Government Medicine include " damage due to accident, misuse, alteration, insufficient or improper maintenance, contaminated or poor quality fuel... For complete details refer to your Warranty and Owner Assistance Information booklet."

The ambulance system will be run by Amtrack with regularly scheduled excursions (peak fares higher during holidays), and some ambulances may have a scenic observation deck. Check with the National Transportation Safety Board for the class of service available to you.

Malpractice claims will be handled by FEMA--which can also offer you a great deal on a slightly used trailer if your mortgage was recently foreclosed.

Congress has expressed some reluctance to institute this plan--until our solons thought it through. Then it dawned on them that pharmaceutical company representatives will be calling on them to request that the government purchase billions of dollars in erectile dysfunction medications. Just as with doctors, the drug company reps can offer your Congressperson pens, mugs, tissue boxes and scratchpads with the name of drug companies on them--and also provide lavish junkets to exotic resorts and dinners at four star restaurants.

So a toast is in order --à votre santé!