We Need Another Awards Show

If there is anything this country needs to lift it out of its economic/summer doldrums, it is another award, and another awards show. Awards shows are one of the few growth industries, and are a mainstay of our economy. It won't matter if there are other awards and award shows for the same endeavor-- aren't the Academy Awards, the Golden Globes, the People Choice Awards, the Emmies, the Oscars, the Tonys, The Country Music Awards, the Ace Cable Awards--(I'm getting tired just typing them) all duplicative, and cover overlapping fields of endevor to some extent?

So here's my proposal. There is currently the Mark Twain Award for humor. The Kennedy Center Mark Twain Prize for American Humor recognizes "an artist who has made a significant contribution to the world of American comedy." But that prize is given for one's life work--as if it were over. Unfortunately, the last recipient, George Carlin, actually died before the formal ceremony to honor him. Do you remember Coach Jim Valvano, who got a lifetime contract, but was fired some years later when his employer declared him dead?

We need another award for living humorists, and, if we are to live in the era of truly big government, Uncle Sam will fund everything, Socialist Nightmare Utopia that the Conservatives are kvetching about on TV ad nauseum, the Government must step in. We have a Poet Laureate, so why not a Comedian Laureate as well ?

Comedians serve a useful function. Why do you think there are about five late night talk shows hosted by comedians who start off with a funny monologue ? It's to lighten your mood before you go to sleep (after all, you just heard plenty of local and national news--enough to depress you and enrich the pharmaceutical industries' peddlers of chemical mood enhancers). Comedy makes for sweet dreams.

Details would need to be worked out. A laureate gets a leafy wreath-- made from laurels--Greek for victory. Humorists don't really achieve victory-- maybe a wreath of raspberry leaves would be more appropriate? Or poison ivy? Too controversial would be a crown of marijuana leaves--but in many instances more gigglingly appropriate.

The next issue to be resolved is the term. Poets Laureate of England serve for life--or good behavior. Poets Laureate in the United States serve a term of two years--with time off for good behavior. {ASIDE: Good behavior would be a problem for some potential humorist laureates. Just this week Dave Letterman had to apologize to Sarah Palin. I do not believe it appropriate to make fun of 14 year olds who happen to be in a family with politically prominent parents, nor do I think it was appropriate to make fun of 12 year old Chelsea Clinton, or the Bush twins. Billy Carter, however, was another matter.) Perhaps it would be appropriate if the humorist laureate only held the position during good ratings.

The next thing we would need to resolve is the motto for the laureate. How about "Lighten Up?" in Latin--to give it class. Of course, once the "English is the Official Language of the United States" people get a leg up, even "E Pluribus Unum" will disappear from our coinage. [ASIDE: Doesn't the phrase "get a leg up" make you think of a dog and a fire hydrant ?]

Duties of the laureate will include to provide the president with humor when it's needed for Gridiron Club appearances and Al Smith dinners, when the president is expected to be the Monologist in Chief; and win the coveted Supremecourtjester Humor Award--the Shecky.