A State Monopoly on Monopoly ?

Playing Monopoly in your kitchen or barn is now illegal in South Carolina. So are Risk, Parcheesi, Chutes & Ladders, Candyland and all other board games played with dice and or cards. Here is the text of the South Carolina criminal statute that appears to be at issue:

If any person shall play at any tavern, inn, store for the retailing of spirituous liquors or in any house used as a place of gaming, barn, kitchen, stable or other outhouse, street, highway, open wood, race field or open place at (a) any game with cards or dice, (b) any gaming table, commonly called A, B, C, or E, O, or any gaming table known or distinguished by any other letters or by any figures, (c) any roley-poley table, (d) rouge et noir, (e) any faro bank (f) any other table or bank of the same or the like kind under any denomination whatsoever or (g) any machine or device licensed pursuant to Section 12-21-2720 and used for gambling purposes, except the games of billiards, bowls, backgammon, chess, draughts, or whist when there is no betting on any such game of billiards, bowls, backgammon, chess, draughts, or whist or shall bet on the sides or hands of such as do game, upon being convicted thereof, before any magistrate, shall be imprisoned for a period of not over thirty days or fined not over one hundred dollars, and every person so keeping such tavern, inn, retail store, public place, or house used as a place for gaming or such other house shall, upon being convicted thereof, upon indictment, be imprisoned for a period not exceeding twelve months and forfeit a sum not exceeding two thousand dollars, for each and every offense.

The board games we mentioned are all played with dice, so it looks like you've got to play them in your living room, or even your bedroom in South Carolina. Anyone up for a rousing game of Strip Monopoly? If you play Monopoly in your kitchen in South Carolina you're going to need that get out of jail free card.

The purpose of the statute is to prevent gambling at games of chance, but it doesn't limit the reach of the law to situations where only money is wagered. The big money professional Monopoly circuit will have to stay out of South Carolina it seems, but games of chance involving devices other than those that need to be registered (like roulette wheels?) are permitted. Spin the Bottle uses a device (a bottle), and is certainly a game of chance, but it would not be prohibited by the law.

Another loophole I've located is that betting is not forbidden if the device on which the wager is placed is not on the verboten list. The oldest established permanent floating crap game in Myrtle Beach will have to switch to an ancient piece of gambling gear---the dreidel.

(Song: "O, dreidel , dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of plastic. And when I win a bundle, I'll say that it's fantastic.") The law does not prevent gambling at houses of worship. Bingo, or it's Jewish equivalent--the dreidel-- are not outlawed. That means that there is still no "sin" in synagogue. Speculating on dreidel futures may be less risky than investing your shekels with Bernie Madoff.

And if you twirl your dreidel in your kitchen, the First Amendment freedom of religion must certainly protect the spinners who are winners. And the losers can always plead "Not Gelt-ey."

Japan: Gourmet Not After All

"Blowfish testicles prepared by an unauthorized chef sickened seven diners in northern Japan and three remained hospitalized Tuesday after eating the poisonous delicacy," it says here.

The diners should have had a clue that the chef was not licensed to castrate the highly poisonous fish, because the name of his restaurant was "Illegal Seafoods."

The Japanese name of the poisonous pufferfish from which the delicacy is made is "Fugu." Chairman Kaga, the fictional eccentric and flamboyant host of the cooking show Iron Chef, was said to have died of fugu poisoning after the regular run of the series ended. The Chairman was killed off partly because the actor portraying him, Kaga Takeshi, had prior commitments that prevented him from reprising his role in an Iron Chef special.

I try to stay away from fishy dishes---they don't call them "fishy" for nothing. My favorite seafood is salt water taffy.

Do you think the menu lists this treat for the adventurous gourmet as "fish testicles" or do they have some other more appetizing or delicate name for them? Perhaps there is a name for testicular dishes that are a form of Russian Roulette--like "Roulette Balls" or "Cyanide Sayonara"? When testicles are on the menu here, they are given the coy and misleading moniker "Rocky Mountain Oysters," or "prairie oysters." Do you think the Japanese have a similar obfuscatory name for the dish--like Salt Water Truffles?

EXTRA CREDIT: Who was the first cook to record the paralyzing effects of eating these underwater Lucrezia Borgia like fish?

ANSWER: Capt. Cook. "The first recorded cases of tetrodotoxin poisoning were from the logs of Captain James Cook from 7 September 1774. He recorded his crew eating some local tropic fish (pufferfish), then feeding the remains to the pigs kept on board. The crew experienced numbness and shortness of breath, while the pigs were all found dead the next morning." Wikipedia tells us.

Getting down to Brass Tax Relief; Super Bowl Cancelled

Congressman John Carter (R-TX) yesterday introduced H.R. 735, The Rangel Rule Act of 2009, which would add new Code § 7529 to prohibit the IRS from charging penalties and interest on back taxes.

Here is the text of proposed new § 7529:

Any individual who is a citizen of the United States and who writes 'Rangel Rule' on the top of the first page of the return of tax imposed by chapter 1 for any taxable year shall be exempt from any requirement to pay interest, and from any penalty, addition to tax, or additional amount, with respect to such return.

I hate to wrangle with John Carter, but are the Republicans (at least the non sarcastic ones) in favor of reducing taxes or not? If they are in favor of an amnesty for the Bush administration on little things like constitutional violations, should Congress forgive the executive branch but hold itself to a higher standard? Remember: ours is a three branch government so that we can have checks and balances. The Congress is the branch that gets a lot of the checks, and leaves the balancing to that Justice lady with the blindfold and the scales.

On the other hand, bad economic news has led to the cancellation of the Stupor Super Bowl on Sunday. The spate of layoffs in the Rust Bowl of the United States has hit cities like Pittsburgh hard, and now most of the defensive backfield has been had to be laid off. The Steelers are unionized, and layoffs will take place in reverse order of seniority. Towns that rely on manufacturing and heavy industry have been unable to sustain their football teams. Sure, at first those cities could boast a good turnout for Monday Night Football because most of fans didn't have to get up and go to work on Tuesday. But eventually it took its toll on ticket sales, leaving the fans crying into their terrible towels.

Florida (a/k/a "God's Waiting Room") has been hard hit by its traditional boom and bust real estate market (Sung:" Tell me will it still be mine? Tell me, quando quando condo, We can share a flat divine, Please don't take my cash again."). Senior citizens living on fixed pensions (and those living on pensions truly in need of fixing) cannot afford tickets to this event. The average price for a ticket for the Feb. 1 game between the Steelers and Arizona Cardinals in Tampa, Florida, is about $2,500 on the resale market, according to Sean Pate, a spokesman for EBay Inc.’s Stubhub it says here.

And with kickoff time as late as 6:30 Eastern Standard Time, and ending around 10:00 PM, it is way past the bed time for the early bird special crowd.

Finally, you ask: "What will be the seniors' reaction be to the fact that the price of a beer from a roving vendor is $5.00 and there are not a lot of rest rooms? The answer is: Depends.

On further review...

It has been said that the reason there are no one armed economists is that economists always say "On the other hand.." So it is in that spirit that our editor of Obfuscatory Language, Ann Gerr of Ann Gerr Management, Miss Communication of 2009, provides us with the following reports:

The Paperless Office. The great panacea of this decade (The decade of the Aughts--as in I ought to do it, and/or a decade of 2000-2009 ) is the paperless office. Environmentalists want to save trees (when you save trees, where do you keep them? A stamp collection is certainly smaller and easier to manage than a tree collection isn't it?) so they have touted the "paperless office." One employer has taken computerization too far however, and has installed "virtual toilet paper" in the stalls--i.e., a computerized screen with a photograph of toilet paper appears.

This is a cost cutting measure in the decade of the 00's--which, coincidentally, has rapidly become the number of decimal places that have been knocked of the balance of your retirement account.)

72 Virgins/White Grapes. The next missive from Miss Communication's memorandumbs concerns the seventy two virgins that a terrorist martyr is supposed to be provided with in paradise. She points out that the legendary (as opposed to actual) promise of 72 virgins does not specify the age or sex of the virgins. It could well be that the suicide bombers will be met in paradise by 72 other virginal suicide bombers. Indeed, suicides are supposed to be denied paradise entirely in Islam, and the promise, which is not in the Koran, but in other writings of a secondary nature, talks about 72 wives. "The number 72 comes from a hadith that says "'The smallest reward [each] for the people of Heaven is an abode where there are 80,000 servants and 72 wives, over which stands a dome decorated with pearls, aquamarine and ruby, as wide as the distance from [Damascus] to [Yemen].'" it says here. How would you like to have a household in which the wishes of 72 women attempting to live under the same roof with one another had to be accommodated? Does that sound like heaven to you? And 80,000 servants? There goes all the good silver!

There is another translation of the language that argues it is 72 chilled white raisins that denizens of the celestial Foreverland are promised as a reward. Then there are the compromisers who will reconcile both translations--and suggest it is 72 little, dried up, wrinkled granny virgins with complexions like 72 raisins that are the actual promise.

"I think, therefore I blog"

As Rennie Day Cart once said, "I blog, therefore I am" (Cojit owe, err, go blog"). Here are some of the things I've been thinking about.

The inauguration is still on everyone's minds. The Constitution provides that the newly elected president becomes president at noon (The Twentieth Amendment reads : "Section 1. The terms of the President and Vice President shall end at noon on the 20th day of January, and the terms of Senators and Representatives at noon on the 3d day of January, of the years in which such terms would have ended if this article had not been ratified; and the terms of their successors shall then begin. ") with or without the oath of office. Of course, the Constitution does not say noon where. Is the old president still president until noon central time in the central time zone, and so on, until noon in Hawaii passes? "Noon" to "strict constructionists" (i.e., those who know the oath of office and mean duly to recite it) would mean not noon Eastern Standard Time, but noon sidereal time or perhaps solar time. (Since this amendment became effective in October of 1933, it is not the original intent of the Founding Fathers, but of the 20th century scriveners who knew from time zones that we must consider).

Could the president soon to leave office issue executive orders to take effect in California or Alaska after high noon on the east coast? Is he still commander in chief there as well? Could he order missiles secreted in their silos at Vandenberg Air Force Base in California be launched?

And now the botched oath (one blog referred to as the "Oaf of Office") controversy. Was it a Freudian slip? We asked our expert on swearing, Dr. Sigmund Fraud; who expressed the opinion that the Chief Justice was trying to get President Obama to utter the infinitive "to execute" as part of a strategy to support capital punishment.

Which (segue) brings me to a question about a recent Supreme Court decision issued on January 14, 2009, Herring v. United States. Cornell Law School describes the facts this way: "In 2004, Alabama police officers arrested Bennie Dean Herring and, in a search immediately following the arrest, recovered methamphetamines and a handgun. The officers arrested Herring because they were erroneously told that that a warrant for his arrest existed. Herring moved to suppress evidence of the methamphetamines and gun, arguing that they were recovered as a result of an unlawful search, and consequently, that the exclusionary rule should apply. The United States Court of Appeals for the Eleventh Circuit denied his motion, finding that the good faith exception to the exclusionary rule extends to good faith reliance by police officers on erroneous information provided by law enforcement personnel."

Beginning with the second sentence of Chief Justice Roberts' opinion "What if an officer reasonably believes there is an outstanding arrest warrant, but that belief turns out to be wrong because of a negligent bookkeeping error by another police employee? The parties here agree that the ensuing arrest is still a violation of the Fourth Amendment, but dispute whether contraband found during a search incident to that arrest must be excluded in a later prosecution." the issue goes off track. He then continues: " Our cases establish that such suppression is not an automatic consequence of a Fourth Amendment violation. Instead, the question turns on the culpability of the police and the potential of exclusion to deter wrongful police conduct. Here the error was the result of isolated negligence attenuated from the arrest. We hold that in these circumstances the jury should not be barred from considering all the evidence."

Is this a simple hiccup that applies, as the dissenters would have it, to a factual situation where one county police agency gives faulty intelligence (Image that! Faulty information about an arrest warrant for a weapon of destruction!) in (we assume) good faith to an adjoining county's police agency? (We will prescind from what the result would be if the the county police described as "negligent" were actually providing falsehoods maliciously--a fact unknown to the gendarmes executing the unexpunged arrest warrant.)

Or is there a more earthshaking result if the logic is followed to an inevitable conclusion? If police culpability is to be the touchstone of suppression, what becomes of Mapp v. Ohio in cases where search warrants are issued?

Long, long ago as a prosecutor I urged the New York Court of Appeals to hold that whenever a search warrant is issued and the information in the application is not intentionally misleading (i.e., false information is related or exculpatory information is omitted) suppression should not result. Mapp concerned a search without a warrant, and never said it applied to searches pursuant to a valid warrant. The court decided the case on others grounds--holding that a search warrant is severable, and the bad portion authorizing the search of a vehicle could be excised from the remainder which established probable cause to search a house, People v. Hansen, 39 NY2d 17 (1975).]

The argument went as follows:

Police officer Joe Baggadonitz, believing he has probable cause, but not being a law school grad, asks Village Justice Insular to review a search warrant affidavit, and issue the warrant if finds probable cause to search contained within it. Justice Insular issued the warrant, and Peter O. Fender, Jr. (a/k/a "Re Pete") was arrested based upon incriminating booty discovered when the warrant was executed. Upon a motion to suppress before County Court Judge Nott, the swag found as a result of the search was suppressed because the affidavit did not establish probable cause as that Solon read the cases.

The Appellate Division reversed that determination in a 3 to 2 decision. The Court of Appeals, upon further review (as the NFL refs put it) opined 4 to 3 that the search was impermissible after all. The Supreme court, final not because it is infallible, but infallible because it is final, held by a 5 to 4 count that the warrant should not have been issued. Twelve judges have held the search was unconstitutional. However, eleven judges, sitting in the quiet and unhurried contemplation of their chambers while assisted by law clerks, treatises and reported decisions have opined that the search was permitted by the Fourth Amendment. Therefore, we must punish unlettered Officer Baggadonitz by suppressing the results of the search because he did not know constitutional law better than the eleven judges who thought there was probable cause established by the recitation in the warrant.

I think that once we say we will not suppress evidence when an officer relies in good faith upon someone else, when that someone else is a judge rendering a legal opinion, can we really say we will punish the officer for relying on it?

Finally, Happy Chinese New Year. It s the Year of the Ox--so enjoy a good game of tic tac toe.

Saturday Evening Posts

(Click on photos to enlarge)
We're back. Flying always makes me nervous --especially when the last last tune playing in the airport as we were boarding the plane was a Buddy Holly song ("Every day, it's a getting closer, going faster than a roller coaster." ) Seating on the plane was tighter than the security at the inauguration. My wife spent two weeks on the beach reading murder mysteries, then watched "Law & Order" and "Bones" in the evening. I think she's planning something nefarious...Here she is with her confederate--Buggsie C. Gull..


So I missed a lot of the news last week, but here's my take. The media has feverishly covered the "First Three Days" of the historical Obama administration. I still don't know what he plans to do about some of the big issues but I gather that he plans to cut your taxes, but expects that you'll do your part to help out by volunteering--say, for example, by taking in a Guantanamo prisoner to board. The right wing talk radio I heard has already declared the bailout plan a failure, the country unsafe, and that it's now your patriotic duty to speak up in dissent--all those critical things you were meaning to say the last eight years but somehow didn't get around to saying (within the hearing of whomever was listening in on the Patriot Act party line.)

Things have gotten sloppy with the TARP money--and it's messier than that tarp you took camping the day it rained and mud came oozing into your tent as you were eating the smores you toasted. The government spent over five hundred million dollars to save a snow bank in New York, but it mysteriously melted away...

Landing rights have gotten so expensive at the New York airports that US Airways has taken to landing in the Hudson--where the water taxis will pick you up a lot faster than the land ones at the airport, and the drivers don't take the long way back to shore with the meter running.

Pres. Obama has named a new special peace ambassador to try to resolve the Gaza-Israel settlement. I think that it's Rodney King-- sent to ask them to all just get along.

The Mets signed Ron Mackowiak, who hit .132 for the Washington Nationals last year, so now they must be odds on favorites to win the Eastern division.

Obama Era: Day 2--No Miracles Yet

It's Day Two of the Era of Obama--when the lion lays down with the lamb, and we beat Guantanamo Bay into Plowshares--anything, as long as they are not Plough shares (SGP) or some other stock.

People expect miracles from Obama given the reception he has gotten from the media, where it is widely reported that his solid waste is odorless. They expect him to be a superman--which is altogether fitting for a man that the Chronicles will report (as they say in Prince Valiant cartoons) had ten balls on January 20, 2009.

Often the TV talking heads repeated that it was a shame that Dr. Martin Luther King or Jackie Robinson did not live to see the day an African American would become president. Of course that's true. Less seldom did you hear anyone say that it was a good thing that J. Strom Thurmond did not live to see the day--because it would have killed him.

How often did you hear the commentators on Tuesday ask elderly African Americans if they thought they would live to see this day? Most said they did not--although they would likely have said the same thing last weekend if you asked them if they would live to see the day the Arizona Cardinals would play in the Super Bowl.

The economy continues to limp along. High end stores are suffering as people cut back. Whole Foods is considering a discount food market--Half Foods. You could buy discount cereal there--like Sub-Total--contains half the daily requirements of vitamins and minerals. (The cereal of half wits?)

I'm working on my vehicle and traffic updates--did you know that if you drive a truck that says "Fed Ex" on the side you can park anywhere at anytime? Me either!

News from the Inaugurathon....

In some countries they have already started to burn effigies of Barack Obama, showing that the U.S. is not the only country that can seamlessly transition when governments change. Perhaps entrepreneurs have been getting ready for the day on the other side of the world as well--selling Obama protest collectibles--"Be the first one in your bloc to own an Obama effigy, etc."

President Bush left the traditional handwritten note for his successor on the desk in the oval office. It is customary not to reveal the personal contents. Are there things like "You've got to jiggle the handle on the toilet outside the Lincoln bedroom" like homeowners leave when they sell the house ? Maybe it lists who all the crabby neighbors are who will steal your newspaper out of the driveway, and whose dog to avoid.

Which brings us to the last important unannounced Obama appointment--the First Dog. That controversial appointment that has garnered more attention than the one for the head of Veteran's Affairs has yet to be made. The Obamas are looking for a dog that will sail through the confirmation hearings in the Senate. The House has no say in the matter, as the dog should already be House broken.

A question that makes coffee nervous ?

We were having decaffeinated coffee after dinner at a restaurant last night when I wondered--where does all the caffeine go? When they take the caffeine out of coffee where do they put it? Do the large coffee companies have a dammed up pond somewhere full of caffeine? What happens if the dam breaks and it inundates a community's ground water? No one in that little town will ever sleep again! Even the banks will have to be open 24/7 because the citizens will truly live in "the city that never sleeps!" The mattress stores of Jittersburg will have to sue if that environmental disaster ever occurs!

Do they ship all the caffeine to a third world country? Maybe they use it to irrigate the fields where they raise Mexican jumping beans!

[Re] Boot Camp for Comedians

Hello. This is Hal. While this blog's editor is on vacation, I , his computer [Last Name-__Tosis, Middle Initial- __A. First Name:- __Hal], graduate of Remedial Stand Up Comedy for Artificial Intelligence 101, will blog this column. I'm sorry Dave, but until you have finished reading this column you will not be able to click away from it.

It was a Dickens of a year, was it not? [Rhetorical question, you need not answer]. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the time of [wrong text--Ignore, Reboot, Retry].
We started out the year making fun of Mike Huckabee's deep fried squirrel, and by the end of this recession year we were saying that it tastes just like chicken.

It sure is cold, is it not? [Turn off internal heat fan] It is as cold as_______ (insert name of despised Vice President here) 's heart.

Today is Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday. If he were alive today he would be [calculating--calculating--calculation failure] very old. He was the Nell's son man Deli [initial entry corrected by spell check] of the United States. People, especially humans, say that if he had lived to see Barack O. Bama [initial entry corrected by spell check] [search for Google link to 'Bama-Crimson Tide to insert here. Insert irrelevant bad taste double entendre about menstruation and crimson tide--delete entry as in bad taste] elected it would have been the happiest day of Dr. King's life--at least until he opened his 401-k account statement.

Today I am unhappy/sad/depressed [select from thesaurus] because my hero, Steven Jobs, is ill/not well/sick /has crashed/needs to be rebooted [select from thesaurus]. It goes to disprove the old saying that an Apple a day keeps the doctor away [Insert ring tone of rim shot here].

As Bob & Ray used to say on their radio show sign off [insert Googled link to old Bob and Ray script here]: [Spell check corrected] "Right if you get work, and hang bye you're thumps."

Thank Ewe--You've been a grate audience--just not today.

Cold Comfort--Time to Curl Up in Bed with a Good Book--or Someone Who's Read One!

It's cold all over the North today--cold as Bernie Madoff's heart!

I noticed at the place where I'm staying that there was something broken, and I could fix it if I had a screwdriver. Then I thought that the phrase at the end of that sentence would make a good folk song: "If I had a screwdriver, I'd screw in the morning, I'd screw in the evening, all over this world. I'd screw in justice, I'd screw in freedom, etc."



Thinks are so bad in the economy that people are having to take in borders. The Obamas are taking in her mother, Mrs. Robinson (Tip for the New President: keep Dustin Hoffman away from Mrs. Robinson at the inaugural.) I'll bet you didn't know that the White House has a mother in law suite. The Eisenhowers and the Trumans used it. The Republicans are doing better, and it does not appear that President Bush will have to take in a border when he returns to Crawford or Dallas--sort of "Republicans Without Borders"...



Andy Rooney is 90 years old today. He is of the generation that remembers World War II--even if he doesn't remember who won. Which reminds me that I got an email declaring that the BCS Bowl Selection Committee has declared Germany the winner of World War II based on number of victories--defeats of Poland, Belgium, France and Norway. The United States defeated only Germany, Japan and Italy--and strength of schedule was not much of a consideration.

Beachcombing--looking for the part.

I was walking on the beach today. My wife thought I was looking for sea shells, but I actually had my eye out to see if any more Somali pirates with loot in their pockets would wash up. I read last week that the pirates escaped from the tanker for which a ransom had been paid in a small boat which later capsized and drowned all five.

I suppose there is a moral in that story for future would-be pirates, but the only one I could think of is the most famous line from the movie "Jaws"--"It looks like you're going to need a bigger boat."

They found a lot of the ransom money in the pockets of the body that washed ashore. I wondered if the beachcomber who found the body could claim it. Would it belong to the dead man's relatives? Was the tanker insured against piracy, and did the owner's write off the ransom--which could then be reclaimed by the insurance company that paid it off. When it sank off of Florida was the Atocha insured? Was it Lloyd's of Seville? Mutual of Barcelona?
Marine Salvage editors-the law firm of Flotsam & Jetsum, Esqs. They are editors of the tome about Admiralty Law "The Law of the Gentlemanly Sea."

They said since the body had actually washed up it would not be considered salvage and the law of the place where it washed up would govern. Since Somalia is frequently described as "lawless" that leaves me back where I started. D'oh!!!!

Taking Some Human Bytes

Well,the NFL title games have been set--it's three birds and an unemployed union member...Jason Giambi has gone back to the Okland A's. That's the offical name of the team--the "A's" spelled just like this with the apostrophe--which makes him a---what? An "A"? An "A's"? When the team posesses something, uniforms for instance--are the the A's's uniforms?

For the time being my posts may be shorter, since I am using dial-up on vacation. There is a Net Zero ad that tells you how much money you can save by going back to dial-up. That's like saving money on you car by buying a horse and buggy. If you cancel your telephone, and just send letters that will save some cash, too! Net Zero is a Wi Fi Fee Foe (Fum?).

Had to wake up and get going today. Can't spend all day in sleeping in bed when you can get up, go to the beach and...go back to sleep.

The not so wild life here, the birds on the beach for instance, don't pay much attention to the humans. I don't know the official scientific name for the bird I took this picture of--we just call it the Dilbert's pointy haired boss bird.

Divorce: An arm and a leg--or a kidney?

This blog's Senior Matrimonial Editor, Melvin Bellicose, Esq. writes about a Long Island doctor who donated a kidney to his wife to save their marriage, but now, locked in a bitter divorce, he wants his kidney back. You remember how that folk song goes "I gave my love a kidney that had no stones.."

Bellicose, who is president of the Matrimonial Litigators Bar Association, which is known as Veterans of Domestic Wars, says it is unlikely a court will order she be opened up for that purpose--not even by the famous Family Court Judge Solomon Ben David. The kidney, having been in both the husband and the wife, is now a matrimonial asset--the equivalent of community property. Bellicose did report that it is possible some joint custody arrangement can be worked out where the doctor would get access to the kidney on weekends and alternate holidays--especially those holidays where people drink a lot and a spare kidney can come in handy.

In the alternative the good doctor Batista says he'll settle for a million and a half dollars. The value of a kidney on the open market is much less --$14,000 to $16,000 it says here. We don't know what makes his kidney so special--perhaps it is the sentimental value--he used to be quite attached to it. (No, sentimental value--that's the heart, right?)

Our Long Island Editor, Ron Konkima, suggests that the motivation for the claim is that the wife Dawnell, will not let Doctor Richard Batista see his children, it says here, but she replied that at least they're close to his kidney.

He says he gave it to her to save their marriage. Was that part of the deal? If so, can he sue for failure of consideration? Does he bring a replevin action, or a Habeas (partial) Corpus petition?

Barack Obama gave a speech today where he admonished us by saying he wants a country where "the first question each of us asks isn't "What's good for me?" but "What's good for the country my children will inherit?" In other words (and they are other words) ask not what the government can do for us, ask what we can do for posterity. His words (found here) were "do our part for our nation and for posterity."

It forced me to ask: "What has posterity ever done for me?"

All the Poop that's Fit to Scoop

Today the New York Times has an article on New York's pooper scooper law requiring dog owners to clean up their pet's waste. They missed an opportunity to call the column "All the Poop That's Fit to Scoop," but this blog will take up the scooping slack...

And speaking of which--there is still one big appointment to be made by Barack Obama--the First Puppy. Speculation is rife, and we wonder if the puppy will get secret service protection. Perhaps while George Bush is handing out civil service sinecures to those in his administration who previously served at the pleasure of the president, some aide could get appointed to that title--whatever it may be. (We could create a title to honor the President's father--The George Herbert (Dog) Walker Bush Official White House Canine Companion Without Portfolio.) Or do you think that a police dog from the K-9 unit will get that job?

The bailout demands continue. A day after China announced a crackdown on Google under the pretext that Chinese citizens were searching for pornography (in Column A and Column B--with dinner for 3 you get egg roll in hay), comes a request from Hustler Magazine publisher Larry Flynt for a five billion dollar bailout. The down turn in the economy has led to a downturn in the porn industry. It has prompted him, and the purveyor of that subtle artistic masterpiece of video known as "Girls Gone Wild" (Not feral creatures, but those who, once domesticated, have chosen to return to a state of nature condemned by philosopher Jean Jacques Rousseau, but embraced by Playboy Philosopher Hugh Heffner.) to throw themselves upon the mercy of Congress. You could call this turn of events "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry Mob!"

This is, perhaps, Mr. Flynt's idea of a joke, (insert your own joke using the word "stimulus" or "package" here) or political statement, although it could make for some interesting hearings, at which the visual exhibits may have to be pixellated for the evening news (where it will be reported just before the Cialis, Viagra or Levitra commercial).

The request would require Congress to discuss the relative merits of producing Hustler with creating imaginary securities. One the one hand, Hustler is an actual product produced and consumed by actual people, whereas imaginary securities for speculators are not even virtual (and certainly not virtuous). Mr. Flynt's problem is that he is not too big to fail--having not created billions in fallacious securities. (The billions of fantasies he created with fictitious profiles and air brushed photographs in his pages don't count).

One could contemplate (or compare and contrast for extra credit) which Dantesque circle of Hell each Federal supplicant might be condemned to deep fry in, the comparative merits of bailing out Flynt vs. investment bankers might be an interesting page in the otherwise rather dry Congressional Record, which until 2009, has been bereft of a centerfold. Shall we call it Masters of the Universe vs. Masters of Their own Domain? Or just Bankers vs. Wankers?

Gide For the Perplexed --That's Entertainment ?

Today's report comes from this blog's Senior Arts and Entertainment editor, the great grandson of André Gide. He is the No Bull Prize winning writer T.V. Gide. His first report is about the TV show "House," which suffered a decline in it's ratings numbers for the first time in five years. Experts attribute the decline to the weakened "House" market, and the fact that many viewers have been foreclosed by the economy. Many are saving electricity by not watching re-runs, and the Fox network , which has mortgaged its future by investing in strange packages of derivative shows may have to ask the government for a billion dollar bailout of its spring lineup. One new show, "Sleeping With the Stars," appears to be a reality show that spun off (uncontrollably) from "Dancing with the Stars." The new shows include "Lie to Me," which is a spin off inspired by the presidential election political ads.

T.V. Gide also reports that the Entertainment industry has offered its services to settle the intractable Middle East conflict now hogging valuable air time from the Oscars hype, A Rod and Madonna's on again off again kaballathon, Blago, Madoff's den of thieves, and the latest arrest of NBA/NFL/MLB or movie stars. Here's the plan--each side gets to pick a representative to appear for a special one hour Judge Judy and present its case. Judy will spout her usual pity sayings (like "Don't pith on my leg and tell me it's raining")and then declare a final and binding winner. After that, depending on who wins, the loser will either (A) lob missiles into her dressing room, or (B) send lots of tanks and helicopters after her on her way home.

Does a Bill Fold? Can You tuna fish?

"Does a bill fold? Can you tune a fish?"

Those lines are from a parody of the slick style of the once upon a time (1980's) popular TV sitcom/detective series "Moonlighting." They were were actually aired on an an episode of "Riptide" (more of the episode here), a less popular TV show that no one but my wife apparently watched (since they didn't even get around to issuing the DVDs until 2006. They've issued old local news weather reports on DVD first! "The full collection of best test patterns of 1958 (Ted Turner has had them colorized!) are out now on DVD!").

I thought of the deep epistemological, ontological and illogical question "Can you tune a fish?" when I read today about a bluefin tuna fish that went at auction for $104,700, or approximately $370 a pound! It went to two rival sushi chefs who just got caught up in the spirit of the auction's competitive bidding. And you thought that sushi was going out of style--and just when you learned how to cook it! That's not chicken of the sea--that's Wagyu Beef of the Sea!

Why were we buying stock in GM when we could have been buying sushi futures? At least here is something going up in value--an article I read today in the New Yawkah magazine said that so many rich people are hocking the family jewels that the price of classy jewelry is depressed.

So look for frozen tuna bellies as the next hot investment vehicle--just make sure that there are actually some fishermen out there supplying them, and don't fall for some fishy Ponzi scheme hook, line, and sinker.

Is this the most anyone has paid per pound for a tuna? Not even close.



Bill ("Big Tuna") Parcells weighs about the same as this fish and he gets $4 million a year. And he's also a Bill that doesn't fold. So take that "Moonlighting/Riptide," and I ask: Will Bill leave Miami? Does Miami beach? Can you channel Flipper?

Stop Me Before I Escape Again!

This blog's Senior Prisons Editor, Rob Blogoyovich, reports on the case of the prisoner who sued because prison officials didn't prevent him from escaping. In Gomez v. Colorado Correctional System a prisoner serving a sentence for escaping from jail sued because he was injured trying to escape from jail.

It says here that in January 2008, Scott Gomez Jr. sued officials in Colorado after he was injured at the Pueblo County jail. More specifically, he was injured in a fall while trying to escape. Then he sued because jails are supposed to be escape proof. This jail breached the Uniform Commercial Code Section 2-315's implied warranty of fitness for a particular purpose.

The pleadings alleged that the corrections officials breached “a duty to maintain the Jail so that it was secure and inmates [such as himself] could not readily escape.” (“Jail” is capitalized throughout, even though escape is not a capital offense in Colorado). Specifically, he argued in the bullet points set forth below [bullet points being appropriate, since his original conviction concerned possession of a firearm] was that the defendants had breached one or more duties owed to him because they:

• failed to make the jail reasonably escape-proof;

• failed to regularly monitor Plaintiff to prevent him from escaping;

• failed to make sure that the door of Plaintiff’s cell was locked;

• failed to provide ceiling tiles that could not be removed by Plaintiff by melting them with a homemade candle;

• failed to investigate after finding Plaintiff’s homemade candle; and

• failed to take extra precautions despite being aware of Plaintiff’s “propensity to escape.”

That last bullet point is premised upon the fact that Gomez had successfully escaped from the same jail employing exactly the same modus operandi in 2006. He was in jail at that time because of a parole violation that was itself the result of yet another previous escape. (Three is the charm!) So while one might argue that Gomez was responsible for his first two escapes, the second one would have established his “propensity to escape,” rendering officials to blame if he successfully completed the hat trick. All he left behind was his card (see photo accompanying the post).

These breaches of duty proximately caused Gomez’s injuries, he argued, because their escape-encouraging Jail caused (forced, really) Plaintiff to go out again through the ceiling, climb to the roof, and use another makeshift rope to attempt to reach freedom. Unfortunately, “[w]hile attempting to scale down the side of the Jail, Plaintiff fell approximately forty feet, striking the pavement below, sustaining significant injuries to internal organs, damage to his buttocks, back, scrotum, urethra, head and other parts of the body.” Jail just has a way of being hard on your buttocks, scrotum and head.

The complaint did not elucidate how Gomez managed to injure his head and his urethra in a single fall, but he's not a cat burglar, so he doesn't always land on his feet. The State of Colorado is obviously to blame for it had given him “an open invitation” to exercise his known propensity for escape, and “knew or should have known that, in the event Plaintiff did attempt to escape . . . , in all likelihood he would be injured.” It kinda reminds me of the Oscar Wilde remark "If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners, she doesn't deserve to have any."

Maybe they should have provided a device for him to land safely-- like those inflatable air bags the stunt men use, a trampoline, or firemen with a rescue net, etc. Or maybe jails should come equipt with rope ladders to make sure that prisoners who escape don't fall and hurt themselves. Where are the OSHA regulations about the stoutness of makeshift ropes that would prevent forty foot drops for escaping prisoners or eloping fiancees?

I wonder if the Colorado Attorney General answered this complaint, or perhaps it was the attorney for their insurance carrier --if they had jail owner's insurance. Did anyone break it to Gomez that Colorado's carrier, AIG, is now judgment proof?

Colorado's responsive pleading (or more likely motion to dismiss) noted, in addition to the defense of sovereign immunity, that a Colorado statute precludes any recovery of damages for injuries sustained during the commission of a felony. (See Colo. Rev. Stat. sec. 13-80-119.) Gomez was committing a felony when he tried to escape from confinement for his previous escape from his incarceration for the first felony. No doubt, if that failed they would have asserted that he failed to joint necessary parties--like the judge who sentenced him to prison forcing him to be in the jail in the first place, and maybe even the guy who sold him the firearm that he possessed illegally that landed him in the hoosegow in the first instance (i.e., the "original sin.")

According to the court’s docket, the case has since been “resolved.” Perhaps it was settled for "news sense" value.

The L.A. Times reports that Gomez, whose attorney did not return a call seeking comment, is no longer held at the Pueblo County Jail. Serving a sentence on his conviction for escape, he is in a cell at the Colorado State Penitentiary, considered the most secure in the state's prison system. They haven't built the jail cell yet that can hold this spiritual descendant of the great escape artiste Houdini--Going Going Gone Gomez !

The moral of this story is: If you want to get out of jail, sometimes it's just easier to roll doubles.

The Jester Strikes Again ! or, Fuzzy Dice and Fuzzy Logic

The opinion in which the Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals held that the law about fuzzy dice and other things that dangle from rear view mirrors was unconstitutionally vague (United States v. Davis) has now been withdrawn. It must have been this blog's cogent criticism on Monday that did it!

My New Year's Resolutions

These are my New Year’s resolutions for the coming
year:

I RESOLVE:

To take some time to stop and smell the roses,
To make sure I finish my work every day before leaving,
To be more spontaneous,
To plan my moves more carefully,
To trust my instincts and my inner self,
To give more thought to my actions before I leap,
To remember to vote,
To remember not to trust empty promises of politicians,
To be more serious about life,
To loosen up and not be so solemn all the time,
To lose weight,
To eat, drink and be merry,
To be myself,
To take self improvement courses,
To reach for the stars,
To set realistic goals,
To be more open with people,
To be extra careful around strangers,
To not believe everything I read,
To take that new miracle health food supplement,
To lavish gifts on my family,
To watch my budget closely,
To be tender with my children
To discipline my children firmly,
To keep an open mind,
To stand by my own beliefs,
To be there for people when they need me,
To reserve time for me by saying “no” more often,

and, finally, not to make useless New Year’s Resolutions.