Bain Capital Sues Gingrich For Emotional Distress

Bain Capital, once the lair of Mitt Romney, has sued Newt ("I only fly Southwest Airlines so I don't get Charged for all that Baggage") Gingrich and Rick Perry for intentional infliction of emotional distress.

As you know from the infamous Citizens United  Supreme Court decision, more reviled at the moment than Dredd Scott and the Japanese internment cases put together (which you can do if you're teaching in a course on minorities in America) corporations have constitutional rights.  Bain's onetime head Mitt Romney has declared that corporations are people, too.  Thus, his old stomping grounds where he dissolved some corporations and laid off people when he became The Bain of Their Existence, was attacked by those anti-capitalists Gingrich and Rick "Remedial Math" Perry.  Perry was unable to help himself, because he was taught in anger management (which is not a consulting firm) to count to ten when he got mad before he said anything, but he gets lost after two.  He has hired The Count from Sesame Street to help him brush up his counting skills.

So Bains's feelings have been hurt and they have sued because of it.  They have hired a well known Jewish lawyer to argue their case.  His brief will contain the following:

I am a corporation. Hath not a corporation ayes? Hath not a corporation hired hands,
pipe organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with the same
food deductible as a business expense, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases,
heal'd by the same means, warm'd and cool'd by the same winter
and summer, as a candidate appealing to Fundamentalist Christians is? If you are a prick to us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not blog? If you prepare a poison pill for us, do we not die?
And if you wrong us, do we not revenge--including but not limited to seeking compensatory and punitive damages?