Republicans Coming to A City Near You Soon--Take Precautions

Like traveling snake oil salesmen of yore, the Republican Debating Society has packed up and beat a hasty retreat from Iowa, and has now been spotted in New Hampshire, where the debates will continue on Saturday.  What did the Iowa Republicans get for the holidays?  The same thing you and I got-- an ugly tie.

Michele Bachmann will not be among them.  She questions the theory of evolution and survival of the fittest, and having noted that this country's history includes  the Lincoln-Douglas debates (she called them the Founding Fathers debates about the Constitution)  over a century ago, and comparing those rhetorical encounters to the recent Republican candidate debates, she has successfully refuted the theory of evolutionary progress; so she and has retreated to her Congressional district in Lake Woebegon, Mini-Soda-- where all the men are straight, all the women are subservient, and all the children are not sexually active.

Mitt Romney, trying to appear to be statesmanlike has chosen to be Lincolnesque in the debates (minus the beard because he's Mormon) .  He has adopted the motto "You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, and that's good enough for the primaries."

Rick Santorum is the big government conservative in the bunch and will urge New Hampshire to build a wall with Canada  to keep our borders safe from socialism.  While "big government conservative" seems like an oxymoron (like" progressive Republican"),  it is really a description of the presidency of George W. Bush--who is the ghost in the room at all the debates.  No one claims to be the party's next George W. -- who is treated as if he were the crazy uncle in the attic that no one speaks about.

Rick Perry has been invited to the debates because they are an hour long and are in need of some comic relief in the middle.

Jon Huntsman has adopted the persona of the adult in the room, which in the Iowa Republican party caucuses will garner a response in the single digits percentage wise.

Ron Paul is seventy-six, but his age has never discouraged college kids, some of whom may have confused him with Ronald Reagan. They are not distressed by his newsletters because they know that no one reads anything that is not delivered electronically. Paul has disavowed reading the newsletters, which were meant to counteract the contents of the liberal New York Times, by containing all the news that was not fit to print. He has vowed that his presence will cast a Paul over the Granite State--so called because it is famous for its many polished kitchen counter tops.

Newt Gingrich has been sharpening his vocabulary in preparation for his next encounter with Mitt Romney.  Gingrich was Professor of Adjectives at Upper Middle Southern Georgia State College ("One of America's Leading Directional Schools"), where he taught the course " Corporately Subsidized American Political Thought From Reagan through Reagan."  Newt has taken a solemn oath (but see his prior wedding vows) not to attack Mitt per se, but only to "tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth-- and then some."