THE SUPREME COURT JESTER

Headlines make my headache

2012-01-19T09:01:00.001-05:00

Rick Perry Drops Out of Presidential Race, Endorses Al Gore for Nomination, Promises to Eliminate Three Texas Departments: Education, Motor Vehicles and One Picked At Random
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President Rejects Keystone XL Pipeline; Gingrich Declares if He Were President He would Lay Some Pipe

OOooOo

Recount Shows That Santorum Won Iowa Caucuses-- Supreme Court Declares Romney The Winner. Eight Iowa Precincts Still Undecided--Will Get Back To You Later.

No Wiki No SOPA

2012-01-18T08:57:00.001-05:00

To honor the boycott of content on the web today to protest the possible passage of SOPA there will be no post today. I guess I'll just have to be on vacation. I'm going to the beach now. It's a tough sacrifice but someone's got to do it.

NPR Names Kermit T. Frog As New President

2012-01-17T06:51:00.001-05:00

Borrowing one of the famous faces of public television, NPR has chosen to rebrand itself by making Kermit The Frog its new president. Click and Clack have been named Vice Presidents.

Kermit was chosen because he has been an excellent fund raiser, so he is already familiar to the do good crowd; and since he is green, is believed to be able to remind them to send some green from their wallets. "It's not easy raising green," Kermit has famously said.

"NPR's image has been that of a serious, long winded, and overly detailed know it all professor for too long," a board member noted. "We needed to choose someone with more of a fun image, but who our listeners thought of as an entertaining teacher when they were still young. Kermit fits that bill. We ignored all the rumors about his dalliance with Snookie after his longtime affair with Miss Piggy (to whom she bears a resemblance). Kermit's first move will be to have a muppet anchor "All Things Considered." He has hired Edward R. Burro, luring him away from Comedy Central's "Jackass" show.

Brian Williams of NBC was rejected for the job because he failed his audition when he employed the phrase "You won't believe what happened" four times going into a break.

Click and Clack, also adapt at fundraising, are part of the NPR entertainment lineup. "When you think of trouble with your car, you think of entertainment and laughter. Click and Clack can fix anything, so we've brought them aboard to fix our income stream," the head of the search committee, Art O. Darkness, told this blog. "They've given us an estimate that just happens to be the cost of a new boat," he said, something their producer has confirmed.

Hostess With The Leastess?

2012-01-16T10:59:00.002-05:00

News that Hostess Cupcakes, perpetrators of Twinkies, Sno Balls, Zingers, Ding Dongs, and Ho Hos has filed for bankruptcy has been viewed as bad news by most commentators. When even the established makers of beloved empty calorie lunchbox fillers cannot make it in the American marketplace what does it say for the future of the our economy, talking heads of the Republican persuasion ask.

The pending layoff of white sugary filling makers sends a shiver through the job market. And those of us who grew up with an affection for these confections are nonplussed. We are all well preserved because of all the preservatives found in Twinkies--which can be stored for up to a millennia and still retain their original shape and taste. A visit to any flea market will confirm that immaculately preserved lunch boxes that used to contain Twinkies, Ho Hos and Ding Dongs are not rare at all, thanks to the presevation power of the desserts they used to contain.

Physicists and Confectionmologists are concerned that there will be a dearth of white matter, formerly produced by Hostess, to offset the dark matter in the Universe, thus upsetting the Universe's Ying and Yang. It is well known that it is impossible to find naturally occurring (i.e., organic) white stuff with which to fill this type of dessert. Joseph Conrad's little unknown and spectacularly unsuccessful sequel Heart of Whiteness spins the tale of a search for the elusive filling. Alchemists have, since the Middle Ages, sought a magical recipe to convert lead to white sugary filling to no avail.

The Supremecourtjester, however, has a different spin on this news. Not surprised? For years we have bemoaned the disappearance of the Mom and Pop enterprises, squeezed out by the Corporate behemoths. But, have you noticed the proliferation of artisanal cupcake shops? They have multiplied like ~~rabbits~~ reality TV shows--even worse like Starbucks --muscling each other out for corner locations with heavy traffic. I trace the demise of Hostess to the rise of the artisanal cupcake shops that have sprung up like --well like the mushrooms with which their cupcakes share a familiar shape.

Is this an instance of Moms and Pops driving out the national corporations of the world? Does the appearance of gourmet cupcakes and the disappearance of Hostess disprove Gresham's Law in the world of just desserts? Stay tuned.

Bain Capital Sues Gingrich For Emotional Distress

2012-01-15T11:52:00.000-05:00

Bain Capital, once the lair of Mitt Romney, has sued Newt ("I only fly Southwest Airlines so I don't get Charged for all that Baggage") Gingrich and Rick Perry for intentional infliction of emotional distress.

As you know from the infamous Citizens United Supreme Court decision, more reviled at the moment than Dredd Scott and the Japanese internment cases put together (which you can do if you're teaching in a course on minorities in America) corporations have constitutional rights. Bain's onetime head Mitt Romney has declared that corporations are people, too. Thus, his old stomping grounds where he dissolved some corporations and laid off people when he became The Bain of Their Existence, was attacked by those anti-capitalists Gingrich and Rick "Remedial Math" Perry. Perry was unable to help himself, because he was taught in anger management (which is not a consulting firm) to count to ten when he got mad before he said anything, but he gets lost after two. He has hired The Count from Sesame Street to help him brush up his counting skills.

So Bains's feelings have been hurt and they have sued because of it. They have hired a well known Jewish lawyer to argue their case. His brief will contain the following:

I am a corporation. Hath not a corporation ayes? Hath not a corporation hired hands,
pipe organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with the same
food deductible as a business expense, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases,
heal'd by the same means, warm'd and cool'd by the same winter
and summer, as a candidate appealing to Fundamentalist Christians is? If you are a prick to us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not blog? If you prepare a poison pill for us, do we not die?
And if you wrong us, do we not revenge--including but not limited to seeking compensatory and punitive damages?

Pat Robertson: "I've Got A Secret!"

2012-01-09T14:24:00.000-05:00

Pat Robertson said God revealed the next president’s identity to him. He didn't say how. Does God have a twitter account with the hash-tag @GodinHeaven? @BurningBush? Did God friend Pat on his Facebook page?

How does Pat know know God is not just messing with him like He did with Harold Camping, who predicted that the world will end last May 21st? Billboards sponsored by Camping's Oakland based "Family Radio" group up all over the area proclaimed "The LORD is Coming May 21, 2011." Why has God chosen Pat to be his modern day ~~profit~~ prophet?

As you no doubt recall, God is alleged to have done the same thing he did to Camping with Abraham, when he told him to sacrifice Isaac, and then admitted He was just messing with him.

Pat Robertson will not reveal this confidence --at least not until he decides to write the Book of Pat, which will be added to the New Testament books since it missed the deadline for Prophets by a couple of millennia. It may be the first holy scripture released in electronic form first, and won't the knowledge of who the next president will be have a lot of people offering their credit card information to find out--unless the book's publication is delayed until December?

No divine input was available to Robertson in 1988, or he would not have been a candidate for president himself that year. In 1988 Robertson finished second in the Iowa caucus, ahead of George (Not Burning) Bush, but he faded in subsequent primaries. Do you think Pat will be revealed as the the Creator's Choice this year?

Proof that Civilization is Progressing

2012-01-07T11:23:00.000-05:00

Even though the Republican candidates will be trading platitudes this evening in their debate, there is proof that civilization is progressing.

Two millennia ago Romans they used to throw Christians to the lions. However, tonight the NFL plans to throw the Lions to the Saints.

Ricky, Don't Lose That Number!

2012-01-07T08:22:00.003-05:00

Rick "The Constitutional Scholar and Numerologist" Santorum has come up with an interpretation of the Constitution that is unique, even in the age of publish or perish law school professorships. (You may recall the old joke that Jesus could not get a faculty position at a Catholic Law School because, although he was a great teacher, he never published!)

Santorum is quoted in the Huffington Post as follows:

"Our founders intended for them to be the least consequential of the three branches of government," said Santorum. "How do I know that for a fact? Because it's Article III. Article I is Congress, Article II is the president and Article III is the courts. If it was the most important, they wouldn't have put it third."

That is an interesting interpretation of the Constitution--but Justice Scalia believes that the judiciary is three times more important than the other branches, because it is in Article III and therefore has 3 "I's" not just one I. (The judiciary's third "I" is an inner eye, and in the land of the blind the I eyed may be king, but what good does that do if the courts can declare all of his acts unconstitutional?)This is the John Marshall "They Saved the Best For Last" theory of Constitutional interpretation.

It is a constitution, Ricky, not a race. The articles are numbered, and are not designated gold, silver, and bronze. If he were elected president, would Santorum defer to the legislative branch because they are in Article I ?

If he is elected president Santorum will try to get the Constitution amended because what are foreign numerals doing in our constitution anyway--why isn't it Article One?

Since the legislature can override a presidential veto there is some support for the proposition that the Legislative is the most powerful branch. But the Supreme Court can then rule that the legislation passed as a result of the veto was unconstitutional. Congress can remove Justices through impeachment and conviction-- because our government is really modeled on a game of rock paper scissors.

That concept may be troubling for Santorum and Ginrich (who would like to do away with the courts entirely and rule by Divine authority.) The reason is that Wikipedia notes that the game is not American in origin. According to the Chinese Ming Dynasty writer Xie Zhaozhi's (谢肇淛) book Wuzazu (五杂组), the first known mention of the game, the game dates back to the time of the Chinese Han Dynasty (206 BCE – 220 CE), it was called shoushiling (手势令). Li Rihua's (李日华) book Note of Liuyanzhai (六砚斋笔记) also reveals this game, calling it shoushiling (手势令), huozhitou (豁指头), or huoquan (豁拳).

In the 18th century these games were popular in Japan. It's known in Japan as Jan-ken-pon (じゃんけんぽん), more commonly called janken (じゃんけん) and sometimes called rock ken (石拳 ishiken). The origin or the derivation of the name is unknown. Ken (拳 ken) is a fist in Japanese and Jan-ken-po is categorized as a "ken (fist) games" (拳遊び ken asobi.

Starting in 2002, the World Rock Paper Scissors Society standardized a set of rules for international play and has overseen annual International World Championships. These open, competitive championships have been widely attended by players from around the world and have attracted widespread international media attention. WRPS events are noted for their large cash prizes, elaborate staging, and colorful competitors.

I digress.

Meanwhile, in New Hampshire Newt Ginrich has captured the endorsement of the arch conservative newspaper the Manchester Anti-Union Leader. Mitt Romney (the Bain of Newt's existence), using his business experience and acumen, has prepared a spreadsheet of where he stands on all the issues in New Hampshire to replace his Iowa one.

Republicans Coming to A City Near You Soon--Take Precautions

2012-01-06T08:55:00.005-05:00

Like traveling snake oil salesmen of yore, the Republican Debating Society has packed up and beat a hasty retreat from Iowa, and has now been spotted in New Hampshire, where the debates will continue on Saturday. What did the Iowa Republicans get for the holidays? The same thing you and I got-- an ugly tie.

Michele Bachmann will not be among them. She questions the theory of evolution and survival of the fittest, and having noted that this country's history includes the Lincoln-Douglas debates (she called them the Founding Fathers debates about the Constitution) over a century ago, and comparing those rhetorical encounters to the recent Republican candidate debates, she has successfully refuted the theory of evolutionary progress; so she and has retreated to her Congressional district in Lake Woebegon, Mini-Soda-- where all the men are straight, all the women are subservient, and all the children are not sexually active.

Mitt Romney, trying to appear to be statesmanlike has chosen to be Lincolnesque in the debates (minus the beard because he's Mormon) . He has adopted the motto "You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, and that's good enough for the primaries."

Rick Santorum is the big government conservative in the bunch and will urge New Hampshire to build a wall with Canada to keep our borders safe from socialism. While "big government conservative" seems like an oxymoron (like" progressive Republican"), it is really a description of the presidency of George W. Bush--who is the ghost in the room at all the debates. No one claims to be the party's next George W. -- who is treated as if he were the crazy uncle in the attic that no one speaks about.

Rick Perry has been invited to the debates because they are an hour long and are in need of some comic relief in the middle.

Jon Huntsman has adopted the persona of the adult in the room, which in the Iowa Republican party caucuses will garner a response in the single digits percentage wise.

Ron Paul is seventy-six, but his age has never discouraged college kids, some of whom may have confused him with Ronald Reagan. They are not distressed by his newsletters because they know that no one reads anything that is not delivered electronically. Paul has disavowed reading the newsletters, which were meant to counteract the contents of the liberal New York Times, by containing all the news that was not fit to print. He has vowed that his presence will cast a Paul over the Granite State--so called because it is famous for its many polished kitchen counter tops.

Newt Gingrich has been sharpening his vocabulary in preparation for his next encounter with Mitt Romney. Gingrich was Professor of Adjectives at Upper Middle Southern Georgia State College ("One of America's Leading Directional Schools"), where he taught the course " Corporately Subsidized American Political Thought From Reagan through Reagan." Newt has taken a solemn oath (but see his prior wedding vows) not to attack Mitt per se, but only to "tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth-- and then some."

The Jester is Not a Talking Head-- But a Blogging Head

2012-01-04T17:24:00.002-05:00

As I am not a person who has to wait until Fox News pundits tell me the significance of what happened in the state where ethanol is more important than ethnic, I have my own spin on what happened at the cauci last night. In Iowa, where unlike in Florida, every vote counts, Mitt Romney won by a whatever the opposite of a landslide is-- perhaps a soil conservation project. His eight vote smashing victory caused jubilation in his camp despite the fact that it is so narrow a margin you would not be able to write your comments in it if it were in a book (which you can't do anyway anymore because people only read and write on line).

Last night's democracyfest has confirmed that 75% of the Republicans in Iowa wanted someone other than Mitt Romney to be their candidate. Many blabbermouth commentators on the TeeVee say this makes him the leading contender for the nomination, because he is likely to wear down everyone else by his relentless Chinese Water torture of commercials, until all his GOPeers simply throw their hands in the air and surrender.

Santorum, who became the flavor of the week in the right week (the flavor of the week in the week that follows New Year's Eve is Alka-Seltzer I believe) finished in a photo finish with Romney (Santorum was wearing a sweater vest in the photo--and all he needed was a bow tie to go with it to resemble a Jimmy Olson emeritus). His good finish is attributable to his extreme views, because in Iowa the more extreme your views are the more the Fundy-mentalists love you. (Ironically, there is no "Fun" in "fundamental," and very little "mental" as well!)

Please note we are not talking about libertarian anti-government views-- we are talking about imposing the views of the right on the rest of the country via the Federal government everyone loves to hate--including one Ron Paul who hates the federal government so much that he would like to head up one third of its branches).

What extreme views are we talking about? Well, it's one thing to be anti-abortion--but Santorum is anti-contraception. "As he told CaffeinatedThoughts.com editor Shane Vander Hart in October, “One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country. It’s not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”

How popular that view will be with people other than the Duggars of "19 and Counting" who refuse to keep it in their pants, will be an interesting question when next week Republicans are searching for a new and different flavor. Duck Fat plum ice cream, anyone?

Chicago Tribune Declares Thomas E. Dewey Surpise Winner of Iowa Caucuses

2012-01-03T22:32:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year's Day

2012-01-01T12:53:00.001-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2011-12-30T17:11:00.000-05:00

Click on the image to enlarge it

Raucous Caucuses

2011-12-29T17:10:00.007-05:00

News From the GOP's ("Garrulous Old Plutocrats") PACs with the Devil:

The Republican candidates, campaigning in Nowhere, Alaska, have promised the citizens there they will build that darn bridge that some of them, Rick Santorum being one, have voted to construct.

Mitt ("His Grinchitude") Romney has told Iowans (who are apparently against educating their young--not just in science but also in basic literacy) that he would cancel subsidies to PBS, and "Sesame Street" in particular, so that we can spend more money on mending our fences with Mexico (i.e., making them Immigrant proof). "Sesame Street" will then be forced to layoff the Muppets, or sell them. Butterball turkeys have had their eye on Big Bird for a long time ("The Bird that's Duggar Family Size!"), but Oscar the Grouch may find employment as a judge on "American Idol" replacing Simon Cowell's replacements.

The Count has found the perfect job for him-- bookkeeper at a blood bank. ("One withdrawal, two withdrawals, three withdrawals--Ah ha ha ha! I'm having withdrawal symptoms!") Miss Piggy will follow in the footsteps of Paris Hilton (only she'll leave hoof prints instead), and simply become famous for being famous, until no one will be able to tell her from Snookie (already a difficult task), or about half of the Kardashians. The ~~Porcine~~ Divine Miss P. already has a perfume-- "Moi."

Elmo, who is currently red, will be tickled pink. The letters F and U will go on to star in R Rated cable productions on HBO, and be frequent guests of Bill Maher because they have Ari Gold as an agent.

If I were an Iowa Republican ( is" Iowa Republican" a redundancy?) I would be careful with my kids around those candidates. The way they are going after one another in attack ads it is clear that the Republican party is beginning to eat its young. Make sure their is plenty of food at those caucuses you GOPers.

Poor Iowa, first Khrushchev, now the Republicans!

2011-12-28T08:13:00.002-05:00

The FDA announced today that alphabet soup has been found to contain DDT, HGH and HPV.

Merry Christmas to All

2011-12-24T14:10:00.001-05:00

Please click on the GIF below

Posts I Did Not Make III

2011-12-22T09:59:00.006-05:00

Ron Paul is still denying that he was aware of racist comments made in newsletters named Ron Paul Investment Letter and Ron Paul Political Report. In this solicitation with his name on the top and a signature at the bottom reading "Ron Paul" there are similar comments about a "coming race war" and the "Israel Lobby that plays Congress like a cheap harmonica.". Paul denies that he ever subscribed to those newsletters.

The solicitation is eight pages long, and who has time to read all of that paranoid gobbledygook when you are crusading for the return of the gold standard? Perhaps he only read the last page, which starts with a denunciation of the tooth fairy (and the plan to substitute children's teeth for currency backed by silver or gold? After all, you can't spell "gold" without "God." Ironically, Glenn Beck, you spell "God" by getting the "L" out of gold, which is the opposite of what you are telling people to do! )

Finally, I must note that if you did not like this post, do not blame me--I never read it.

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Jerry Sandusky , out of work with Penn State, is seeking temporary employment to tide him over. He's looking to become a ~~maul~~ mall Santa. His plans to act as a spokesperson for AXE Shower Gel have fallen through.
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I decided not to make the following post because I was afraid people would not take it in the spirit of satire in which it was intended and become offended. If you are easily offended read no further.
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Iranian President and Holocaust Denier In Chief Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has denied that the Maccabees were rededicating the Temple when they found oil that burned for eight days and eight nights, and has insisted instead that they were attempting to burn the Temple down for the insurance money.

Jester Elected President of Procrastan Nation

2011-12-19T21:30:00.003-05:00

Newt Gingrich, the former Speaker who has never stopped speaking and goes on and on and on like a slinky on an escalator, announced over the weekend that he intended to ignore the law of the land when it suits him. Specifically, he will ignore Supreme Court decisions with which he disagrees because he will be the law of the land; and not liberal, egotistical judges (which should come as a relief to the egotistical judges that agree with the the Gingrinch who stole checks and balances when in Congress).

The Constitution established three co-equal branches of government, but as the Newster will tell you, some branches are more co-equal than others. If Newt is elected the Executive Branch will be the last word and the most powerful, a shift from when the Legislative Branch was the most powerful when Newt was Speaker.

At least that's how Newt used to teach it back when he was the Overly Endowed GOPAC Professor of For Profit Civics Lessons at the Georgia College of Historical Truth, Upholstery, and Taxidermy.

Gingrich threatened to send judges who disagree with his constitutional views to the lunar penal colony he intends to set up to mine the moon with child labor from families in debtor's prisons. While it is not illegal to mine the moon, it is unclear under present international treaties who would actually own what was mined according to experts. But to Newt that's just a legal technicality like the ones that got him in trouble as a Speaker, or those technical violations of his marriage vows that people keep harping on and on about.

However, it was pointed out to Gingrich that 2011 has not been kind to all powerful dictators--bringing with it the deaths of Kim Jung-il, Mummar Quadaffi, Osama Bin Laden, and Steve Jobs.

Strip mining the moon would certainly give those poor West Virginia mining families employment-- as long as the UMW is kept out of the picture. Newton Leroy Gingrich for President of the Moon! And as they say on Lunar Tunes cartoons "theah theah theah that's all folks."

NEWS FLASH: Kim Jung-il Now Kim Jung-ded

2011-12-19T09:07:00.003-05:00

2011-12-17T13:49:00.001-05:00

This is a menorah I carved from a nice piece of tiger maple. When it has no candles in it, you can grab the opposite corners and spin it because the Mount Sinai in the middle has the appropriate dreidel Hebrew letters for a dreidel found outside Israel.

Click to enlarge it or visit an even larger version at www.flickr.com/photos'/supremecourtjester

Inadvertently Correct

2011-12-16T08:21:00.000-05:00

Some ad campaigns are inadvertently correct -- not unlike a stopped clock that is right twice a day only by happenstance (whereas a slow clock is never correct. Perhaps we should stop calling it a slow clock and be more politically correct--calling it a chronologically challenged clock. I digress.).

Since I bought a shirt from an on line store in England that will remain nameless because it doesn't need the plug, I have gotten an email every day advising me of a sale. After I reordered I got two emails a day advising me of a sale--which in itself is a good reason not to reorder a third time.

Today I got an email advising me of a "last chance to save." I certainly hope it's the last.

I place that slogan with the one the New York Lottery uses "Hey, you never know!" That has been my problem with the lottery--I have never known, and do never know.

In other news, Newt Gingrich will be honored later this week for his work with the overprivileged.

Spelling "News" Without "Newt," and Dis CERNing.

2011-12-13T20:42:00.004-05:00

Although you cannot spell Newt without "new," we will be one of the few news blogs to abjurer from politics to cover more important news.

A team of scientists deep in the bowels of their underground hideout under the Swiss Alps, where you might expect to find a Bond villain, have a very expensive lair full of neat gadgets. The multibillion dollar Large Hadron Collider is the kind of toy that separates the men from the boys (if the difference between men and boys is the cost of their toys). Both men and boys like to smash things-- but there the difference is just the opposite. The boys like to smash large and larger things whereas the men like to smash subatomic particles together. (In the case of CERN, you could call them subAlpic particles, n'est pas?)

So today there was an announcement concerning the search for the Higgs Boson particle -- the so called "God particle." And why not-- we celebrate miracles around the time of the solstice--like a little oil lasting eight days. But this blog is not sure that God wants His particle to be discovered, because he seems to have disguised it very well. To paraphrase the old conundrum-- If God is all powerful ("O Sovereign Lord! You have made the heavens and earth by Your great power. Nothing is too hard for You!" (Jeremiah 32:17).); can He hide a particle so well that even He can't find it?"

So today CERN's (European Organization for Nuclear Research) director-general Professor Rolf Heuer said that two experiments have independently figured out where not to look, and have also found some promising hints in the most likely hiding places. And that's worth a couple of billion, don't you think? They now know, for example, not to look in MF Financial's bank account where apparently there is absolutely nothing.

So the announcement was the ~~earth~~ atom shattering revelation that there is a definite possibility that maybe there is a possibility that the Higgs Bosson possibly exists-- or doesn't.

The Higgs Boson particle is the one that gives mass to other particles whether the mass is in Latin or English. The frantic search for it is on; for once scientists can find the Higgs Boson and tinker with it (reverse engineer it as if they were Iranians picking apart a rogue drone) they may be able to construct the anti-Higgs Boson particle that removes mass from particles. Big Pharmaceutical is anxious to get its hands on that particle, because it would be a great weight loss tool. However, like the unsolvable problem connected with the theoretical "universal solvent," if you had an anti-mass pill, what could you keep it in?
In other holiday news, several college sorority sisters from Kappa Kappa Gamma made off with a creche, and were subsequently arrested for the theft. A quintet of Monmouth College students allegedly stole statues of Mary, Joseph, baby Jesus, and several stable animals during a drive by looting last week, according to police. You can see their mugshots here.

It is difficult to understand what they wanted with the statute of Mary, for when I was in college The Kappa Kappa Gamma house was no place for a Virgin.

Jester in The Nick of Time

2011-12-08T20:41:00.000-05:00

Jon Corzine was in front of a Congressional committee today trying to explain how MF Global somehow lost $1,200,000,000 of other people's savings; and (like Little Bo Peep's sheep) doesn't know where to find them. The plan to leave them alone and they'll come home has not panned out yet. He gave the committee a sophisticated and elaborate explanation that this blog can summarize as follows: "Shit happens."

They've looked between the seat cushions of the couch in the reception area where customer funds sometimes went to take a nap after lunch, but nothing has turned up except a couple of used condoms. They've called the offices of the Black Hole Hedge Fund, where some of the money was sent, but no one answers. They've tried to check out the Hotel California where they left some money in the hotel safe, but didn't even get so much as a "by your leave."

And speaking of expensive things that are lost and cannot be recovered (great segue!), a very expensive ($6 million) stealth drone sent to spy on Iran has crash but, alas, not burned! The CIA "pilot" of the drone who was operating it remotely has been severely reprimanded, and sent to remedial X box training. He has been told he cannot play with any joy stick-- including his own-- until he passes the course.

The government is worried that advanced drone technology may be of use to the Iranians if they reverse engineer the drone. With it they could steal America's most heavily guarded and valuable technology now in development--the iPhone 5! Speculation has already begun that the Iranians may sell the drone to China. Analysts posit that we will not know whether the Chinese have been able to duplicate the technology until next Christmas-- when millions of Chinese made fly it yourself spy plane drones show up at Radio Shack and Best Buy for $299.95. With spy technology like this--reminiscent of the x ray glasses of my youth offered for sale in the back of comic books ubiquitously and coveted by teen aged boys for use in spying on teen aged girls-- teen aged boys will be able to spy on teen aged girls, and post the results on You Tube.

And speaking of disasters (mediocre segue), Once and Future Presidential Candidate Donald Trump has put together his own version of the Republican Presidential Candidates debate-- combining the former boring public service aspects of serious debates with his hit TV show "The Apprentice." Although people have suggested that Herman Cain's presidential bid was only a poorly disguised vehicle to increase the sales of his book, a serious person of the statute of Donald Trump couldn't possibly have any ulterior motive to hold a debate ("The Apprentice"Season Premiere Sunday, February 12, Sundays 9/8c).

His debate will not be called "The Presidential Apprentice," because that would be a shameless plug--or because he hasn't thought of that possibility yet. Besides, the word "apprentice" calls to some people's minds an association with unions, and the Republicans do not want to be associated with a word that might even make some people think favorably about unions.

At the end of the ~~rump~~ Trump caucus, The Donald has reserved the right to fire all the candidates at once, and declare himself the superior choice for president as an Independent. Not as a Republican, because he is bigger than just the Republican Party. Even his ego is bigger than the Republican Party, not to mention his hair (which we have chosen not to mention--even though he has opted to have it gold plated--even ironically).

We''ll stay tuned.

What I've Been Up To (My Kishkes in Paperwork)

2011-12-07T15:40:00.034-05:00

The reason that I haven't blogged much recently is that I am working on my first Comedy Central TV special. Not a lot of people know about my special yet -- starting with the Comedy Central Network.

Although another year has passed in which I have not been awarded even one of the Nobel Prizes, my wife, Mrs. Jester, has promised to award me a Pullet Surprise this evening -- a special chicken dish. That way I can list on my resume that I was a recipient of a Pullet Surprise-- although I admit it sounds a lot better when you say it, because reading it makes me look like an illiterate ("Orthographically challenged") or someone who has a lot of trouble dictating to Dragon Naturally speaking and then does not proof read. Kind of like the woman who IM'ed to her boyfriend she was giving up her diet and getting Pringles tonite--but the spell checker changed "Pringles" to "Pregnant."

I already list on my resume that I was Time Magazine's Person of the Year in 2006.

When people ask to see the actual cover of the magazine it does take a little off of the prestige of the honor.

Federal Fish: Roe v. U.S ?

2011-12-02T17:08:00.003-05:00

President Obama said recently that salmon present a difficult jurisdictional problem for the federal government. When they are in fresh water spawning they are under the jurisdiction of the Department of the Interior.

When they are in salt water off the coast, they are under the jurisdiction of the Commerce Department. (That part of the President's quip is at least partially true.)

When they are coming back into our territorial waters they are under the jurisdiction of the TSA, and subject to random searches to make sure they are not terror fish.

When someone smokes a salmon the smoker comes within the purview of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. Not to mention the Sturgeon General's warning about the consequences of smoking fish, which, of course, we are not to mention!

Salmon eggs while the fish is in shallow water are governed by the holding in Roe v. Wade.

When the salmon are lox, and are smoked on a bagel with a schmeer of cream cheese and are eaten after a bar mitzvah, the Federal Government has no jurisdiction over them at all because of the First Amendment freedom of religion, even if the salmon are capable of jumping over the barrier between church and state while swimming upstream.

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T13:29:00.001-05:00

Here is a picture of a wild turkey I took last Sunday at Marshlands Conservancy in Rye
Click on the image to enlarge it

The Blog that Asks: "Are You Smarter Than a Newt?"

2011-11-21T08:55:00.007-05:00

"Politicians must be allowed to panic. They need activity. It is their substitute for achievement." ..."Yes, Minister."

The Super Committee, meeting in the Capitol's Kryptonite Committee Room, is hopelessly deadlocked on who should pay for the lunch bill for the committee meetings. The Republicans want to pay for it by eliminating Medicaid from the budget, while the Democrats want to impose a tax on gated community second homes and yachts over 100 feet long.

They cannot agree on how much to tip the guy who delivered the pizza for lunch, either. Some Republicans want a flat amount, while others are opposed to anything that even resembles a tax on the millionaires in the committee, and think that poor delivery guys ought to get better jobs--like lobbying Congress. Others think that asking for a tip is lobbying Congress, and they don't want to be seen to be paying off lobbyists or assisting the poor with a handout.

Democrats are holding out for a sliding scale based upon the deliverer's income, and would like to establish a bureaucracy, The Federal Tip Calculation Commission, after some extensive study by economists with pointy heads, to impose mandatory tip amounts -- but are willing to hold the mandatory part in reserve until the Supreme Court rules on Obamacare. As you know, the Republicans would like to replace Obamacare with GOPDon'tcare.

Despite the fact that the president called in Chief Justice Roberts to give the Committee an Allen Charge, they have been unable to agree whether to meet at a round or rectangular table. If the Committee fails to reach an agreement by the end of today, the economy will go down the toilet, and the Soup or Committee will be responsible for "Soup or" Surplus Cheese lines all over America.

[Sarcastic rhetorical question] When the Congress was hopelessly deadlocked over the very same issues in August and agreed to put the whole thing off until Thanksgiving week, who could have possibly foreseen that they would be hopelessly deadlocked over the same issues in November? Thanksgiving week is the week when a plucked bird gets shoved into ovens all over America. If Hope is the thing with feathers, then hopelessness is a bird without them.

But never fear, for the Republican candidate with the self professed Big Brain, Newt Gingrich has the solution. He believes that the problems of America are all caused by crappy teachers (forgetting for the moment that before he became a lobbyist he was a teacher). His solution is to abolish child labor laws so that poor children can once again be sent to toil in the textile mills for pennies a day and we can compete with China and Viet Nam. How flooding the labor market with children would benefit the economy is a mystery to me, but my brain is not as large or as fertile as a Newt's is.

He also told the Occupy movement to go out and get jobs, apparently because the job they are doing--i.e., lobbying Congress -- is his job; and he can't stand the competition!

Newt now thinks that the collapse of the Super committee is a good thing. Maybe it's good for Newt, but those of you who have money in the stock market or are planning to actually collect on your pensions some day will most likely disagree. Newt's Third Law of Economics states that a dysfunctional Congress is good because it will eventually lead to a functional one-- and that's what happened (he suggests) when he caused the government to shut down and the state of perpetual animosity without compromise came to Washington.

We don't know where Newt's money is invested -- perhaps in wife futures. Maybe you ought to keep your money in jewelry like Newt does.

A League of Their Own?

2011-11-17T09:15:00.002-05:00

Syria has narrowly missed being kicked out of the Arab League, where they were first in War, Last in Peace, and who knows where in the hearts of their countrymen. Instead, they have been put on double not so secret probation. Many countries prefer just to pay a fine.

The cause for the League's action is recruiting violations -- recruits to the Syrian Army with suspiciously high SAT's-- ("SAT" standing for Sadistic Attack Tactics.)

If Syria gets kicked out of the Arab League, there is always the Big East, which seems desperate for new members with the old ones scattering to different conferences. If Syria joins they could call it the Big Middle East. Just how well Syria would fit in is a matter or conjecture, since the Big East is composed of a large number of Catholic Schools -- Georgetown, Saint Johns, Providence, DePaul, Notre Dame, Seaton Hall, Villanova, and Marquette. The Big East has also invited Southern Methodist University to join, so there would a be a Methodist to their (March) madness. Or they may add Brigham Young University (it says here) -- in an attempt to make the Big East more interdenominational. (There is no word yet on whether they will throw Yeshiva University into the melting pot.)

If Syria gets kicked out of the Arab League, the Arab League (which does not go by the initials "AL"-- and you can't call them "Al") might recruit Boise State, which is intent on going to some other league. Maybe the Big Ten-- which now has twelve members, or the Big Twelve, which now has ten, would consider the boys from Boise. If the Big Ten takes in any more members it will have to change its name, I suppose. To save money redoing all their logos and chachkas, they could just add a "T" to the end and become the Big Tent.

And that's just an idea of my ideas!

Something There is that Likes A Wall

2011-11-15T08:44:00.003-05:00

Sorry, Robert Frost, but Americans actually like walls. They like the one they plan to build about as high as the Tower of Babel along the Mexican border, and then electrify to keep out workers who will actually pick their crops now rotting in the fields.

I found another wall Americans like this past weekend. Ms. Jester and I went to Times Square to see an exhibit of the Dead Sea scrolls-- which now travel to locations near you courtesy of the Discovery Channel. The Dead Sea scrolls are a discovery they are currently channeling, and since Ms. Jester is fond of ancient things -- like the Jester himself-- we went to take a look.

There are more than scrolls on display-- there must be close to a hundred old jars constructed from shards found at archeology sites from all over Israel. They have more cracked pots than on all the Fox News broadcasts. The scientific term to describe a crack pot is "psychoceramic" for inquiring minds that want to know.

Anyway, they had a reconstruction of a section of the Wailing Wall of the Temple in Jerusalem. People were writing little notes and sticking them in the cracks just like the people who send post-it notes to Heaven at the real wall. But this isn't the real Wall-- its a reconstruction on 44th Street in Manhattan!

That gave the Jester an idea. If people who want to send "To Do" lists heavenward cannot afford to go to Israel or New York, I can start an iWailingWall. For a slight fee you can send your tweet like requests by typing them out on a form on my website, clicking on the button marked "fold," and then electronically drag them with your mouse, and tuck them into the crevice of your choice.

And we'll have the traditional one where you can send your requests to Santa as well.

Word has come abut the progress being made by Congresswoman Gabby Giffords. She says she would like to return to Congress when she is better.

Her husband says she is making strides in her speech capabilities.

"Now I'd say it's week to week. So she's improving all of the time. We can have a conversation — it's difficult for her. She struggles; she gets frustrated. I have to remind her that that's a good thing. Getting frustrated is — from what I understand — one of those things that's helped rebuild those connections in her brain. So we try to make sure that she's frustrated," he says."

It seems to me that if she needs to be frustrated, Congress would be the perfect place for her.

A Round of Apologies on The House

2011-11-11T08:35:00.002-05:00

I appologize to my readers (both of them) for not posting since last Saturday, but there are three reasons why I have not done so.

1. Very busy. 2. Writer's block (It must be on my street-- because I've been occupying it! That, and a lot of my mail comes addressed to "occupant.") 3. Ummm, ah, errrr---- what the heck is three? Maybe the Environmental Protection Agency.
o0o
This article urges the embattled Herman Cain, who longs to be the Silvio Berlusconi of America, to "release everything." Everything?? Charles Montgomery "Monty" Burns,would urge him to "release the hounds."

This website would urge him to release a large and flatulent fart. Even one of the Founding Fathers, Benjamin Franklin, would endorse that advice. It was only by a narrow margin that the Founding Fathers rejected an Eleventh Amendment guaranteeing the right to fart, instead concluding that the First Amendment covered it as symbolic speech--since a lot of people talk out of their hindquarters all the time. Certainly some presidential aspirants do ("Putting the "Ass" back in Aspirant"--what a slogan to slap on your opponent!).

The Horse Says The Guy Cain Do!

2011-11-05T07:03:00.008-04:00

From the Horse's Mouth Dept.

Our Senior Political Analyst, The Foxy Talking Blond Head Amber Waisoff Grayne, has been following the Republican primaries and the newest frontrunner of the month Herman Cain -- who has certainly put the "her" back into Herman. When they get to twelve former forerunners, the Republicans are thinking of putting out a photo calendar. Herman Cain was Mr. October, eclipsing Reggie Jackson (momentarily) for that title, just barely edging out Michael Jackson's doctor.

But now it seems that Mr. Cain, former head of a group that lobbied on behalf of restaurants, may have lowered the good image of the Washington lobbyist in the eyes of the public. (Care was taken not to say "darken the image," least the Supremecourtjester get sucked into the mess recently created by Ann Coulter in describing Mr. Cain: "Why Our Blacks Are Better Than Their Blacks" here. It seems that the Aryan from Darien almost has the makings of a great campaign button slogan if Mr. Cain runs against Pres. Obama, but it could be better: like "Herman Cain is the New Black." I wouldn't put it past some folks.)

But, like a Burger King Whopper, Restauranteur Cain is now embroiled (not fried) in a controversy; one in which he is accused of telling a whopper. He is accused of sexual herassmeant (sp?). (Possible Daily News headline: "Her "Ick!": Cain"?) At first he was confused because he thought that an agreement was not a settlement. I can understand that -- he thought a settlement had something to do with Hull House and the settlement movement. Being able to split hairs-- like the ability to give two different definitions to the word "is," and being accused of sexual harassment definitely make Cain presidential material-- just ask Paula Jones.

Apparently Mr. Cain said something to a younger female who worked for the Restaurant Association that she just misinterpreted. Perhaps he was just trying out a new slogan for the Restaurant Association when he said to her "When I suggested eating out, the women all loved me." It was for an advertisement about getting women out of the kitchen -- a laudable feminist goal.

Or perhaps he had said something about a close look at what made Hooters so attractive to a male demographic.

The Hermanator could not remember the agreement/settlement at first, because he has been diagnosed as being in the early stages of the Republican primaries.

Also this week came news of a boxing match between two disgraced middle aged ex ballplayers ("sluggers?")-- Jose Canseco and Lenny Dykstra. Watching these men box is like watching a bear ride a unicycle-- The attraction is not that it's done well, but that it's done at all (How many bears compete in the Tour De France, after all?). Jose Canseco, winner of baseball's prestigious Michael Jackson Trophy for best performance enhanced by a pharmaceutical (until Barry Bonds retired the trophy), will face off against Dykstra if the latter can get his probation officer's approval. This is a ~~grunge~~ grudge match, because Dykstra has accused Canseco of lying about him in his book Juiced ( A "non-fiction" book often mentioned by critics as a contender for the Great American Novel). Perhaps Dykstra should have called Canseco a "sleeping dog." (see this post below.) From sluggers to slugs in one giant leap?

On the under-card, if you can get any lower than a Canseco-Dykstra bout) is a match between OctoMom and Amy "Long Island Lolita? Remember Me?" Fisher in the Celebrity (!!) Boxing Federation. (Videos of the press conference available here (warning--preceded by ads) if you are the one person in America who cares to watch press conferences). Fisher is now seeking pugilistic glory to enhance her career as an x rated actress, since there is a natural progression from appearing on pay per view porno in hotel rooms to appearing on pay per view fighting events that only the lonely voyeurs in hotel rooms might purchase. Octomom will have the larger cheering section if her kids can stay up that late.

Have we gone from "Being famous for being famous" to "being infamous for being infamous"?

Every forgotten Multiple birth Mom, every young girl who shot her lover's wife in the face, and most Republican pols are saying "I could've been a contender. I could have been somebody."

It's All Greek to Euro Zone -- Here Comes Drachmania !

2011-11-02T17:24:00.000-04:00

Just when you thought it was safe to back into the market, comes news from Greece (the runner came in, shouted "Nike" and died--we don't know what his news had to do with a shoe company) that Greece wants to pull out of the Euro and go back to the drachma. For those of you who know small Latin and Less Greek (or a small Latina and Less, the Greek), "drachma" used to be the currency that Dionysus used to buy his carton of ouzo in springtime. (For some reason that escapes us at the moment, "drachma" is a contraction for Dracula's mother.")

So those of you who kept a couple of drachma in the back of a dresser drawer waiting for its inevitable return when the Euro Zone people realized they couldn't all get along, despite the imprecations of Rodney "Philosopher" King are in luck. The Greek government has proposed scuttling its debt and returning to its old currency as a way of avoiding austerity. The former Greek plan to achieve solvency was to greatly increase the taxes that no one pays in Greece anyway, but there is a hole in that plan somewhere.

So now the plan is to go back to a currency that the Greeks can print lots and lots of, and pay off their debts in wheelbarrows of beautiful drachma. It will be worth slightly more than Monopoly Money from the Parker Bros. mint. It's fool proof, and if you don't believe me, ask any fool for the proof. They can pay off all those government workers in discounted drachma (pick up a carton or two at Wal*Mart). It's reminiscent of the cynical description of the old Soviet system: They pretend to pay us, and we pretend to work."

Some economists oppose the plan, but then it is well known, in the words of George Bernard Shaw, that if you laid all the economists end to end they would still not reach a conclusion. (Parallel corollary by J. K. Galbraith : "If you laid all the economists end to end it would probably be a good idea.")

2011-10-31T12:21:00.000-04:00

Mother Nature Came Trick or Treating Today With An Early Snowfall

2011-10-29T16:56:00.001-04:00

Click on the picture to enlarge it

"Curses, FOILed Again"

2011-10-26T20:38:00.003-04:00

Eric "Stake" Holder, the Obaman Attorney General, had a kernel of a thought. "Curses, FOILed again," the Snidley Whiplash of the current administration (not seen above) uttered. The Justice Department doesn't want to share it's files with you when a Freedom of Information Law (FOIL) request is made, apparently because the A Gee believes his department's name is spelled "Just Us."

A proposed rule change to the Freedom of Information Act would allow federal agencies to tell people requesting certain law-enforcement or national security documents that records don't exist—even when they do, Mother Jones reports. Currently the government will respond to requests for information it does not want to be made public that it cannot confirm or deny the report, like a weaselly politician when he is asked about an embarrassing issue. It's as if you asked "Is there such a record?" and you got the answer:" It depends upon what the meaning of the word is means. You'd never get that answer from a government official -- would you?

What kind of a proposition is the new rule? It's only a slight change in a single preposition-- replacing "of" with "from" in the name of the FOIL law.

But now the government that promised you transparency wants to tell you the records don't exist even if they do. The new proposal – part of a lengthy rule revision by the Department of Justice – would direct government agencies to “respond to the request as if the excluded records did not exist." You and I would call that a lie. The Supremecourtjester suggests the prevarication regulation be known as "The Sleeping Dog Rule."

In "The Greasy Pole" , the eleventh episode of the BBC comedy series Yes Minister first broadcast March 16, 1981 a confidential secretary is attempting to get the minister to avoid an inquiry on a hot topic that will embarrass the government by similar dissembling. The minister asks, "Are you suggesting we lie?" "No, Minister, we should not lie." "Who should lie, then?" "Sleeping dogs should lie, Minister."

Just how should our government lie? Perhaps by responding: "I have been directed to respond to you as if the records did not exist: The records don't exist."

The Obama Campaign, in a moment of foolishness brought on by a bad case of presidential ambition, promised us transparency. Now, years later, the Obama Administration has a bad case of inflammation of the Executive Branch. Sure, you're disappointed, but as the Family Court Judges say when handing down an order of protection to one spouse against the other "you only hurt the ones you love."

But to fulfill his promise of transparency the president will have Justice Dept. bureaucrats respond with a transparent lie -- one so clearly preposterous you can see right through it. "Files? Reports? Folders? The Justice Department doesn't have any of those, and it never did. Especially the FBI --The FBI in particular never had any of those things. But then again, we're permitted to lie to you, and we often do."

Is This True, or Are They Just Pulling Your Lever?

2011-10-21T13:39:00.001-04:00

Writing here on the loHud blog, the local Gannet chain newspaper asserts:

DiBella has the Republican, Democratic, Conservative, Working Families and Independence party lines. Borrelli has the Republican and Conservative lines. Marx has the Democratic, Working Families and Independence lines.

It's might be crowded on the Republican line, what with DiBella and Borrelli both there. The same is true for the standing room only Conservative lines that they share. DiBella and Marx are both on the same Democratic and Working Families lines -- apparently an acknowledgement that you have to be working two jobs and two lines these days just to make ends meet as a judge. Perhaps the article should have minded its definite articles and said "a line" and not "The line" since there are two of each, and not just one.

If you think whoever wrote this was snorting a couple of lines, too, you can see that the report is accurate if you consult the League of Women Voters site. Because you can vote for any two candidates to fill the vacancies, you can vote for two alleged Republicans or two alleged Democrats. Even though Rob DiBella is apparently all things to all people--being both a Democrat and Republican; and a Conservative and a Working Families party nominee, you can only vote for him once (although you can bullet vote by voting for him and no second candidate.)

But when people oppose him, DiBella does not get the full benefit of a cross endorsement, because there is still a chance that he could be defeated. When you run unopposed that doesn't happen. And you you don't have to buy as many attack ads either when your unopposed.

How could DiBella be all things to all people-- kind of like Herman Cain, who appears to be pro-choice and pro-life at the same time? Well, it's more like being no things to all people because the canons of judicial ethics prohibit a judicial candidate from telling you what he stands for. That's why we elect judges rather than have them appointed -- the public gets to pick between several candidates who are not allowed to give you intelligent answers to your questions about their judicial philosophy. This makes about as much sense as blindfolding you, spinning you around three times and then letting you depress several levers on the judicial candidates' lines.

But, after all, it's a secret ballot -- and what could be more secret than not letting you know who you really voted for?

Lion Down With Calf?

2011-10-20T08:43:00.005-04:00

Another sign that the Apocalypse is upon us will be when the lion lies down with the calf according to Isaiah 11:6-8. One assumes that will happen in Jerusalem and not in Zanesville, Ohio where the lions were running in the streets yesterday. For people who cannot afford a safari to Africa, Zanesville offered a less costly alternative for the Francis Macombers of the world. Running with the lions may be an even more dangerous pursuit than running with the bulls in Pamplona, although perhaps less dangerous than running with the bulls on Wall Street this year.

Lions in the street are not without (fictional) precedent. In Shakespeare's Julius Caesar Act I Scene 3 there is a lion roaming in the street whose name, the commentators tell us was listed as "Portentous" in the original Dramatis Pantheri. It is not clear what the lion was doing in the street, but when I was an English Major, I explicated the text by suggesting he was looking for the nearest Lions Club. That is when Prof. Grossman suggested that I become an American Civilization major instead.

In Julius Caesar the lion may be joining the discord between the plebeians and the richest 1% who controlled all the slaves, vestal virgins, and vomitoria, and so perhaps the lions that roamed Zanesville, OH yesterday were off to join occupy Wall Street where they could lie down with the bulls and the bears.

Woody Allen has remarked that when the lion lies down with the calf, the calf will not get much sleep.

Limited Blog This Week

2011-10-17T21:18:00.002-04:00

I will not be blogging much this week. My mother, Lucile Tabak Rose Stone died this morning at age 91.
Here is a picture of her many years ago.

Recently when I spoke to her, mother said to me she had led a good life. And it was true. She was a stockbroker when few women were pursuing that profession. She had be a weekly newspaper publisher.

She had been all over the world-- Russia, China, Africa and Europe. She had been on a diplomatic mission with my father to India and to Mexico. How many people can say they've been to the market in Ouagadougou in Burkina Fasso? There were family vacations with the extended family in the Caribbean and Mexico, and frequent trips to London and Geneva.

She had been to dinner at the White House, had tea with Golda Meir in Jerusalem, had cocktails with friends in the Members' bar at the House of Lords in London.

But she was happiest when she was with family. She was a devoted daughter, sister, wife, mother, grandmother and great grandmother, guiding all of us along the way. She was content with her new friends in Florida but missed the family and longed for news of what was happening elsewhere. And though we shall miss her greatly, we do know it was a good life.

What I've Been Shooting Recently Instead of My Mouth Off In This Blog....

2011-10-16T20:19:00.002-04:00

As usually double click on the image to view it in a larger size:

The Library Gazebo in Fall

The View From the Purdy Station Bridge

An Intricate T Rex Carved from Pumpkins at "The Blaze"

To view it in its largest size: first click on the image, then right click on it and click on "view image," then click on the image again. Too complicated!

Big East Grows Like It's Big Yeast

2011-10-16T20:09:00.003-04:00

In our sports roundup this week:

The Big East, like many sports conferences, is undergoing a bit of Continental drift. Teams are declaring themselves in conferences and teams are quitting like it was the Republican presidential nomination. And for the same reasons --money and popularity. In the latest round, the Big East, primarily a basketball league with a football conference on the side for when it's too nice to play games indoors (but with a BCS bid-- almost as valuable an inchoate possession as a New York Taxi medallion or a seat on the stock exchange of your choice), has swollen up like a Superpac's coffers during the the political season.

Now the "Big East" is going to look geographically challenged, because it may add three teams from sunnier climates, two that are west of the Mississippi. Houston, S.M.U. and Central Florida would be added in all sports. It's like when a proud papa takes in the next generation. So the name "Big East" just won't do anymore to describe the league with new warm weather teams --so I suggest Big East & Sun.

What is the Devil's Area Code?

2011-10-12T12:22:00.003-04:00

In a fascinating and head scratching moment of the Republican debate ( the Who knows what number in a series of a seemingly infinitive number) Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann claimed that Herman Cain's Nine Nine Nine plan would give legislators in Washington "a pipeline" to raise taxes in the future. Until that moment Republicans were thought to be in favor of pipelines because of their oil company allies.

She complained it would give the government too much money to spend, and instead proposed a corporate tax plan of her own with a 0% tax rate ( A single" nein" plan!), a nice (very) round number. Her reaction to his plan is "Nein, nein, nein!"

"When you take the 9-9-9 plan and turn it upside down, I think the devil's in the details," she said. By that she no doubt means that if you turn 999 upside down it becomes 666. As we all know, that is the area code for the Devil Himself-- which is why the devil is in the details. And not only the details--in the very name for the program (upside down) ! The whole plan has the mark of Cain about it, some Biblical numerologists would say.

Six Six Six is the mark of the Devil, which used to be 616, but then it increased because of inflation.

But why turn the plan upside down? Is something going to fall out of it, like a check one of Cain's donors gave him (Koch Industries?) that he was using for a bookmark? If you turn the Devil's number upside down does that make it the mark of Heaven? Is there a Biblical Bill James (a SABR--Society for American Bible Research) that can help us crunch these numbers?

If you turn this nine ---

upside down you get a b; and three give you bbb--the Better Business Bureau, who may endorse Cain's plan, But Cain is sticking to his 9 9 9 plan, an idea he got from pricing his Godfather's Pizza. If you want special toppings on your government programs it will be extra, but the 9 9 9 program maybe an offer from the former Godfather Pizza Capo di tutti capi that you can't refuse.

Note: For those of you who do not speak Italian "Capo di tutti" refers to a trumpet mute.

Occupy Wall St. Wins Nobel Prize in Economics

2011-10-10T08:41:00.000-04:00

The Nobel Prize in Economics was awarded this morning to the the movement known as "Occupy Wall Street." The citation reads in part that the group's almost cogent and comprehensible proof has conclusively established that capitalism is not perfect has demonstrated to the world that something needs to be done. That is clearly demonstrated by the fact that the symbol for Wall Street euphoria is a bull. (It sounds better in Swedish).

The prize was immediately met with skepticism because the group has no intelligible plan and has not actually achieved anything. However, that was no impediment to awarding the Peace Prize in the past which has frequently gone to noisy dissidents whose primary achievement has been to bring the attention of the public to the fact that they are noisy dissidents.

Barack Obama won the peace prize while pursuing two wars and prior to his engagement in a third one in Libya. The prize was awarded to him because of his peaceful aspirations, and so Occupy Wall Street award mirrors the economic aspirations and lack of achievement that has been the hallmark of recent Nobel Committee thinking.

Because of the size of the Occupy Wall Street movement, it is expected that each member will get an amount that will be quite insufficient to pay off his or her student loans. Nevertheless, one member of the group said that the prize would look cool on his resume when he goes to get his first real job.

The committee noted that there has been an historical anti-Wall Street sentiment in America politics going back to the progressive movement that failed to elect many representatives, and was exemplified by the Cross of Gold Speech by three time loser William Jennings Bryan --the "Boy Orator of the Platte." He got the nickname because he resembled the Platte River -- very shallow and a mile wide at the mouth.

Runner up for the prize again this year was Billy Beane, inventor of Moneyball. Prior to the advent of the philosophy of Bill James, baseball philosopher and intellectual descendent of William James, scouts actually went out and looked at baseball players to assess their talents. Now a room full of MIT PhD geeks who have never actually seen a dugout and could not spit sunflower seeds if you gave them a week to learn how, crunches a vast stream of data and applies abstruse formulas in order to sign cheap baseball players. That allows small market teams to compete.

Of course the flaw in the plan is that if everyone applies the same arcana to select the best players, the rich teams will still be able to offer them more money to sign; and the advantage of employing mathematicians is lost. However, it does allow those Republicans who say that you can't solve a problem by throwing money at it to point to the Yankees and the Phillies this year as an illustration of their point.

I Drone On and On, or Killer Drones: Threat or Menace?

2011-10-09T09:24:00.000-04:00

Our director of Editorial opinion, Eddie Torriale, has asked Guest Columnist and Merchant of Death E. Piffany to discuss an editorial that appears in the Sunday New York Times about an impending killer drone arms race. Here goes:

This is deja vu from the 1950's when the U.S. suddenly realized that other countries less stable and less democratic than ours (we're talking about YOU Pakistan) could develop nuclear weapons, and could start a thermonuclear war without first freely electing a lunatic to put in charge of its launch button. That same cheery thought pervades this beautiful and quiet Sunday morning -- but now it is killer drones that the U.S. has suddenly realized is technology that can be used to kill the person of your choice without the benefit of due process of law, and a trial by twelve persons of average ignorance who were not intelligent enough to be able to evade jury duty.

According to the article, the Chinese already have twenty five different models (One from column A and One From column B including a sweet and sour drone that comes with an egg roll). If I were the Dali Lama, I'd keep an eye peeled towards the sky.

However, American capitalist entrepreneurs (job creators) see a real opportunity here. Libertarians and Civil Libertines note that the killer drone is just another form of arms you can bare, and hence is covered by your right to own one enshrined in the Second Amendment. If we ban killer drones armed with short range tactical nuclear weapons, soon only criminals will have them.

Moreover, the untested theory goes, if everyone had a killer drone with short range tactical nuclear weapons, then criminals and lunatics (who are unencumbered by the thought process or an understanding of cause and effect) will be deterred from using them; and we will all be ensconced safely in our abodes and would be able to sleep at night without the aid of whatever pharmaceutical that they advertize for that purpose on the evening news. Arming everyone from age 5 to 95 regardless of their mental abilities is a scenario that has not been tested in this country, however in Iraq shortly after the fall of Saddam Hussein pretty much everyone had a weapon -- and used it.

Think of the boost it will give our economy if everyone had to buy an expensive made in America killer drone for his own protection (until Wal-Mart starts selling the much cheaper Chinese brands).Years ago some Second Amendment besotted conservatives wanted to pass a law requiring all Americans to own a gun in order to test their theory that if everyone bore arms everywhere they went, it would cause a peace to descend upon our communities such as had not been seen since the time of the Garden of Eden. They were not heard to advance doubts that such an individual mandate would violate Constitutional rights like they have with mandatory health insurance.

But don't get me going there--I guess I'm just droning on and on.

In Fall An Old Man's Fancy Turns to Baseball

2011-10-05T16:13:00.000-04:00

Major League baseball is in its playoff season, which, of course, it refuses to refer to as playoffs. That term it reserves for ties at the end of a 162 game season. Instead, teams which easily prevailed in the 162 game season must establish their prowess in a short best of three games divisional series.

In school you learned long division at an early age--but this is the opposite. It is a short division series. And unlike cell division, which leads to twice the number of cells there were before the cell division, (why don't they call it cell multiplication instead?) this division, a/k/a (÷), cuts the number of teams down by half. {Aside--the symbol for division, (÷) is called an obelus.} Of course baseball cannot call it reducing the teams to the Final Four, because that term, first used in the Cleveland Plain Dealer to describe the NCAA Basketball tourney, is trademarked.

Anyhow, yesterday A.J. Burnett pitched well for the Yankees, allowing only one run thanks to the spectacular circus catches of his outfielders. So now the "fans" that have spent all summer deriding him on talk radio sports shows can just shut their pie holes for awhile.

The Yankees have overpaid A.J. Burnett (because that's their thing). But they signed him because he had done well defeating the Red Sox and the Yankees the year before. It cannot be denied that he was successful this year, because Boston is not even in the playoffs. And once again this year Burnett frequently played a significant role in defeats of the Yankees!

The Fourth Grace of Greek Mythology Wasn't Nancy

2011-10-04T21:08:00.000-04:00

Nancy Grace, who was not too busy dancing herself out of her support garments to comment on a trial she did not see or hear, has declared that Amanda Knox was guilty, and her acquittal was a miscarriage of justice. Of course that is the Grace under fire M.O., her brand as a former prosecutor pretty much requires her to assume that everyone is guilty until proven innocent, at which time she's even more certain of guilt.

That is unlike the press and public, who presume all the people who are charged are guilty right up until they are acquitted, at which point it becomes clear that the person was innocent after all. For example, take the JFK assassination--please!

Nancy Grace is pretty sure you're guilty, too, even if you haven't been charged with anything yet. And when Amanda Knox drives home from the airport, Nancy Grace is pretty sure she'll be guilty of running at least one stop sign.

However, the pronouncement which Grace just couldn't restrain herself from making is not good strategy for her current gig. She is a contestant on a show called "Dancing With the Stars" in which she is supposed to represent the star half of the dancing team. Well, she is a star, of course. A star is defined as a giant ball of hot gas that gives off a lot of heat and is very dense.

But the point I am making is that in each of the cases Ms. Grace has criticized the ability of the judges. Grace will have to face a panel of judges on her terpsichorean adventure, and they may not take kindly to her constant judge bashing. If Grace wants a continence on the show, she may have to be more restrained in her criticism of the judging profession. Lawyers know that the wittiest rejoinder to any remark made by a judge is "Yes, your honor."

Court is adjourned.

A Train Enters the Frame and Leaves The Station

2011-10-04T20:36:00.000-04:00

White Plains Train Station

Now You Can Follow The Ten Commandments on Twitter!

2011-10-01T07:22:00.002-04:00

Chris Christie the larger than life governor of New Jersey has said that he won't run for President. He claims he does not have the fire in the belly that takes. From the looks of him it appears that fire is one of the few things he does not have at that location, but we won't be dusting off that William Howard Taft presidential bathtub any time soon.

The Florida Republican party has moved its primary up to January 31. New Hampshire will not be bested in the race to hold the first primary. It will now have to move it's primary to New Years Day, and call it the Republican Bowl. But Florida has an ace in the hole, because it has not indicated which January 31. It may move its primary to last January 31.

Wait? You Floridians didn't vote last January? No problem. Thanks to the Supreme Court's decision in Bush v. Gore, the Florida Secretary of State will be permitted to intuit which way your chad was hanging (so to speak), and discern who you would have voted for if there actually were a primary. Then the inevitable battle in court will occur. This process eliminates the middle man--you voters. Courts do that all the time with legislation, determining what the legislature would have done if it had passed a bill without the key section that the court is striking down. So its no great leap to decide who you would have voted for if you had voted a year ago. It's just transversing an abyss in two short hops.

After all, Florida already had a straw poll, so they don't need a brick and mortar one, because they've never read the story of The Three Little Pigs. The moral of that story, written by the American Brick Manufacturers Association, is that flimsy construction that doesn't comply with the building codes puts little pigs in danger from anything stronger than a stiff breeze. This message should resonate in Florida, where the weather is not the only thing that blows hard. Yet building codes are the kind of intrusive governmental legislation that the Tea Party and Ron Paul rail against. Once you can build a condo out of straw, look out for Hurricane B.B. Wolf.

Gingrich Proves that He And God Exist Because Newt Has No Horny Forehead

2011-09-30T13:45:00.001-04:00

The über-philosopher and Republican candidate for President of the United States Newt Gingrich is not a rhinoceros, or he claims. Not only is this big news in the 24/7 news spincycle it is proof that God exists, Newt claimed in a speech reported here.

In a reference to the play Rhinoceros (French original title Rhinocéros by Eugène Ionesco, written in 1959) that was so veiled even Newt himself may not have recognized it, he said God could have made us all rhinos, but instead he made Newt a Newt. And that, he believes, is a piece of luck. Gingrich did add this caveat “Now, that is if you assume it is lucky to be human rather than rhinoceros."

Hmmm. I once had a client I wished good luck, and she turned on me and hissed that luck is the work of the Devil. I didn't know that, but apparently she was vastly more familiar with just how the Devil works than I was.

Newt should ponder whether luck is the work of God or the Devil, or whether there is no luck--just A Divine Plan.

So, would you rather be a human or a rhino? Newt clearly thinks that he is in luck that he is not a rhino. Do you agree? I'm not sure I agree that I am lucky that Newt is not a rhinoceros. Some explicators of Ianesco's play may believe that Newt is a rhinoceros, don't you think? Do you think that the existence of Newt Gingrich is proof that God exists, too? Anyway, it's food for thought--and hand me a piece of that devil's food cake.

New York Times Wants Jersey Mocked

2011-09-29T20:29:00.001-04:00

Here is an editorial that posits that the First Amendment requires the state of New Jersey to give money to a show (Jersey Shore on the EmptyV Network) that will result in that state being mocked and denigrated in the media. Really? I mean, it must be true, because it was fit to print in the only newspaper that matters --to the New York Times. I think Snookie has snookered the Times.

If a group applies for a subsidy to make a TV show in praise of terrorists and Nazis, does it violate the First Amendment not to give them the money? I've mocked New Jersey in this blog before, but now I want New Jersey to cover my costs -- I can apply for a grant, and if New Jersey won't pay I can go to a judge who reads the New York Times (for the crossword puzzle) and sue under 42 U.S.C. 1983 because I have a constitutional right to the money! New Jersey is a state, not a corporation (and therefore not a person) and it has no First Amendment right to say it does not approve of the Jersey Shore TV show. Maybe the right to deny funds to people who are mocking your state is one of the rights reserved to the states by the Tenth Amendment to the Constitution. Shouldn't New Jersey be free to subsidize media that wants to shoot in New Jersey, but not those who want to shoot at it?

Without the $420,000 that taxpayers are coughing up so that the rest of the nation can hold them in less esteem than they do now, will poor Viacom with revenue of $3.3 billion, and profits of $376 million be unable to produce this show? Since Joisey Shore is one of the leading reasons for that revenue, I'm going to guess not.

On the other hand it does not say in the Constitution that corporations are people, but the Soupreme Court found that right somewhere in the interstices and penumbras of the First Amendment's emanations. Maybe states are people,too! I'll believe that corporations are people when Texas starts executing a few of them.

Apparently the president of the United States cannot speak his mind freely, either. At least Sarah Palin thinks so, because she said she may not run for president because then you cannot say the very first thing that comes into your mind (in the words of Click and Clack, the Tappit Brothers of Car Talk) unencumbered by the thought process.

She said in this somewhat coherent quotation:

Does a title shackle a person? Are they, someone like me who’s maverick – you know I do go rogue and I call it like I see it and I don’t mind stirring it up in order to get people to think and debate aggressively and to find solutions to the problems that our country is facing – somebody like me, is a title and is a campaign too shackling?

Apparently Teddy Roosevelt (the too liberal for her Roosevelt who was actually a Republican) was wrong about the "bully pulpit" from which she could bully the" lamestream" media. A person ought to be able to say what he or she wants to say without the media actually paying enough attention to see if it is true or makes sense. In other words, a person should be free to be a talking head on Fox.

Also in the news is word of the killer cantaloupes--which--despite the fact that it sounds like a rock band, is actually an outbreak of disease spread by a food crop that the current crop of Republican candidates thinks is over regulated. Security for our food may be transferred to the Department of Homeland Security. No word yet if Al Qaeda is claiming responsibility for the suicide melons (also not the name of a rock group).

New Format Jester 2.0

2011-09-27T21:31:00.000-04:00

Do you like the new format? With the new format you must click on an article when you reach the end to see it in its entirety, as it may continue on the next page. Otherwise I like it.

Well, I have been channel/blog skipping to get the news to report to you. This portion of the news is brought to you by Alieve-- because after the news you'll need some.

The financial news is brought to you by Xanax. Ask your doctor if Xanax is right for your portfolio.

Andy Rooney appeared on dancing with the stars, but suffered a wardrobe malfunction when one of his breasts popped out of his low cut attire. At least that's what I think happened from skipping through the blogs I read, but I may have been going too fast. Also Nancy Grace, aged 92 will retire.

President Obama has named Michael Jackson's last doctor to one of those death panels he keeps denying exist under the new Health Care Act.

Republicans are unhappy with their own death panel--the one that travels from state to state posing as the Republican candidates for president. How many are there? Moderate Republicans are shouting Nein! Nein! They may decide to draft Chris Christie a newly minted governor with even less experience than Barack Obama, who they attacked last election for a lack of experience. "President Wanted-- Little or No Experience Required." Rick Perry is soooo last week!

The fact that Christie has denied in no uncertain terms than he wants to run has not phased them a bit. Apparently he is larger than life to them, but his sheer size may make it difficult for him to run--at least for more than say 500 feet.

Michele Bachmann in a video available on the web has reported that she is aware of Hezbollah attempts to establish missile sites in Cuba. She is on the House Intelligence Committee-- which gives you some kind of idea what passes for intelligence in the House. Many of you are probably unaware that Hezbollah has mid range ballistic missiles, and thought that they were conspiring with Castro to send exploding cigars into this country. Since Hezbollah are Muslims, it is believed that the missile site will not be the Bay of Pigs. Perhaps they are there to compete with Major League Baseball for future pitching talent, since they are in need of a few southpaws with 90+ mph velocity to toss rocks in Jerusalem.

My Weekly Blogger

2011-09-26T17:19:00.002-04:00

The Obama administration has decided to give some exemptions to the application of the No Child Left Behind Law. One of the first exceptions was given to ABC, who, after 41 years, left "All My Children" behind.

Vladimir Putin has announced that he will run for president of Russia. The field is not expected to be as crowded as the Republican one, and Sarah Palin who lives close enough to Russia to see it, has been coy about whether she will vie for the job or just keep looking in on Russia, something she has ironically complained about when Joe McGinniss moved next door to her.

Parts of a falling space satellite as big as a bus demolished the vehicle owned by the GEICO gecko, who, ironically, was not insured for space debris damage. He is attempting to argue that it was a space vehicle, and therefore his no fault insurance covered the "accident" with another vehicle, but the geko's car was parked at the time. No word yet who insures NASA but since GEICO stands for Government Employees Insurance Co. you can guess maybe.

Herman Cain has won a straw poll in Florida. Straw polls are not, as the name suggests, to pick a straw man to run for president, although the winner can often scare crows or other birds. The GOP is really looking for a candidate who can deliver at the polls--- in thirty minutes or your pizza is free.

Faster Than the Speed of Light and Why You're Not Actually Reading This Post

2011-09-24T06:55:00.001-04:00

Neutrinos, we were told this week, travel faster than the speed of light. This has amazed scientists, who, until now, believed that only gossip could travel faster than the speed of light. But that's because they do not read the Bible.

If they did, they would know that the speed of dark has always been faster than the speed of light. First there was darkness, and then there was light--so obviously darkness got there first.

And it is no wonder that neutrinos travel faster than the speed of light. For one thing they were going from Switzerland where nothing happens to sunny Italy where Berlusconi has conclusively proved too much happens. No wonder they were in such a hurry. They are small and they travel light, so they are light to start with and they are also "neu" replacing the slower older "ol" trinos. Light, on the other hand, has been with us since the Big Bang --and perhaps even before.

In the Army were were taught to count from the flash to the bang to measure how far away distant artillery was. You can do this with a storm that features thunder and lightening, too. Counting the number of seconds from the lightening flash to the thunder bang and knowing, the speed of light and the speed of sound you can figure how far away that noisy and potentially lethal object is. Divide the number of seconds by 5 to calculate the distance in miles (or divide by 3 for kilometers).

Therefore, there must have been a flash (i.e., lightening-- and therefore light) before the Big Bang. Of course there was no one around to see it, hear the noise, or do the math.

This is is the ultimate "If a tree falls in the forest and no one sees it or hears it" conundrum. Also, since sound doesn't travel in space maybe there wasn't a bang after all. And if there was no Big Bang, and no one to see and hear it like the famous tree in the forest-- are we really here at all? Now my head hurts, and I need to go lie down somewhere.

The point I was trying to make before the quod erat demonstrandum proving conclusively that you don't actually exist (something often confirmed by the counter keeping track of visits to this blog) was that light is really, really old -- perhaps older than the Universe itself. And when you're that old of course you slow down, take it easy, let the youngsters run around for you. So neutrinos -- the "neu" kid on the block are faster than light because light has actually slowed down with age.
Q.E.D.

Another One of the Big 12 Defects

2011-09-21T16:53:00.002-04:00

After NCAA football conference teams pulled out of their long held associations with their conferences and the football stars realigned comes this new shocker. Another of the Big Twelve has left the fold.

By Big Twelve we mean, of course, the big twelve steps of the twelve step program that is the foundation of AA (Amateur Athletics?) The very first step is recognize the power that alcohol has over the enrollee in the program. But for years, Big Beer, a big sponsor of the Big 12, the Big Ten, the Big East, and the PAC Twelve has been chaffing at the bit to start the Bud Conference (leading up the the famed Bud Bowl. The Bud Bowl is a drinking game that requires participants to take a drink of an alcoholic beverage every time a football announcer spouts a cliche.). Now the first step ("We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.") has defected, and left the other eleven steps behind.

Said Step One "we are tired of being treated as a step child of AA when we know we are No. 1. We are looking forward to a rewarding and fulfilling association with the alcoholic beverage industry, one of the foundations of our nation's economy. We urge everyone, especially college students to drink ~~responsively~~ responsibly." When Anheiser Busch was asked if they expected more teams to come into the fold, they replied "We'll leave the lite on for them."

Now it is possible that some of the Twelve Traditions may follow and a realignment of the NCAA moral compass may occur. Stay tuned.

Sarah Palin has issued a statement blaming the breakup of the traditional American football conferences on the failings of the Obama Administration. "The failure to adhere to good old American values of "Football, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet" evidenced by the repeal of "Don't ask, don't tell" has resulted in the closing of some of our countries' historical football conferences in the American Heartland" she said in a press release. She suggested that the traditional football conferences would return only when corporations pay less taxes.

Rick Perry, a former Texas A &M yell leader, has noted that football is huge in his state which has also executed the most criminals of any state. "It is no coincidence, " he remarked, "but due to the fact that I was the longest serving Texas governor, that football has thrived in a state that honors power and brutality--American heartland values."

This Week At The UN

2011-09-19T20:23:00.002-04:00

This week leaders from all over the world descend on the UN in New York, causing the figurative gridlock that is usually just inside the building to be mirrored in literal gridlock outside the building as well. The United Nations, an oxymoron if ever there was one, will be taking up the bid of the Palestinians who want the International Parliament and House of Pancakes to declare them a state.

The Palestinians want a state in the worst way, and that's the way they've chosen to go about it. If they want a state, I, for one, am willing to give them Arizona, but others might not agree. Arizona has a similar climate, a similar belief that everyone should go about armed and dangerous, and a similar border policy to the one the Palestinians might want with the country that is its neighbor. There might be a little problem with the Sharia Law thing, though.

The U.S. politicians on both sides of the aisle have shown rare unanimity in opposing this move (the upcoming election year and the Jewish vote no doubt playing no role in this purely foreign policy matter). They have threatened to cut off $500 million in aid if the Palestinians go ahead with this mainly symbolic gesture. But Abba Eban once said that the Palestinians never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity, and once again they are fulfilling that role. The funny thing about cliches is that they are actually true.

At a time when the Arab Spring means that Israel is being placed in a more precarious position than the precarious position it was in already, it would seem to be an opportune time for the Palestinians to sit down at the table and negotiate. But they won't do it because the Palestinians are dedicated to the outright destruction of Israel, so they cannot sit down and talk about some ~~rational~~ other solution. That would be like asking a Tea Party member who is philosophically against any tax increases to agree to talk about closing loopholes for billionaires--i.e., anathema.

Palestine now has a permanent observer mission to the U.N. I am not sure what that means or involves. "Permanent observer" sounds like someone auditing a class for aspiring beauticians at a cosmetology school. Permanently observing the U.N. sounds as exciting as owning a TV set that only gets C-SPAN.

The United States has vowed to veto any resolution in the Security Council granting statehood status to the Palestinians, so other than cutting of their aid to spite their aggrandized face, it is unclear what will be accomplished from a practical standpoint. But then again, if they were practical rather than doctrinaire they could have had a state by now.

Whatever Congress does, it will have to wait until after the the recess for the Jewish holidays, which follows upon their Ramadan recess. Shalom/Salaam to you all.

Went to NYC Yesterday......

2011-09-18T11:19:00.003-04:00

Your Brain On Times²

Click to Enlarge

Mets Fans Want to Know.....

2011-09-17T07:33:00.000-04:00

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A Pussy Willow Grows in Brooklyn

2011-09-15T20:44:00.006-04:00

The print and television news were full of a falsely heartwarming story about a cat named Willow, which they would have you believe will be thrilled to be reunited with a Colorado family after five years of being free.

But no one in the media asks the big questions-- the searching ones that go beyond the obvious and shallow reporting we get from the 24/7 news cycle that demands a fresh story every day. But this blog asks the questions no one else asks just because they're whacky. Questionslike why isn'tmy space bar working tonite?

The superficial journalists reported that Willow ran out of the door in her owners' abode in Brookfield, Colorado when contractors left the door open. But no one has asked "Why?" Perhaps because cats don't need a reason to go out -- it's just what they do. And no one has asked why she did not come back, as cats often do time and again, maddeningly repeating the coming and going as if they meant to do it just to annoy their owners as in this Garrison Keillor song.

This cat put about as much distance (1800 miles) between her and the Squires family that keep her under house arrest as she possibly could. There is no proof she ever looked back, and left the rural high country for the bright lights of Broadway, where a cat could do well filming commercials or maybe with just a walk on part in a Broadway show. Or maybe she could just be kept in the lap of luxury as some billionaire living in a penthouse's favorite pussy. Look how Leona Helmsley's dog Trouble made out --inheriting millions.

Where is the proof that Willow wants to go back to a family from which she fled? Perhaps she doesn't want to live with the family dogs in a constant state of ferment. ( I think the state of Ferment is west of Missouri). Some cats (usually the cool cats) just don't like the house bound suburban life, and how ya gonna keep em down on the farm after they've seen Broadway? Cats are, after all, nocturnal animals, and would prefer the city that never sleeps to a Colorado suburb where the sidewalks are taken in at 9 PM. And that could be a legal question in a brief for a court to answer. On average, according to the Department of City Planning, 1,715 Coloradans per year moved to New York City from 2007 to 2009.

What Willow needs is a good guardian ad litem appointed for her. That way the extradition to Colorado could be explored (perhaps in Family Court where domestic disputes of all kinds involving custody and living arrangements are adjudicated), and the court could determine what is in the best interests of the cat.

Other cat journalists just scratch the surface of a story -- but we ask the bold, the restless, the provocative questions that always get the response "Are you kidding me?"

Perhaps Willow, not to be confused with one of the Palin siblings of the same name, will be able to afford high priced New York legal power. She is in negotiations with the Disney people to sell the rights to her perilous and adventure filled journey from Colorado to New York to that studio to do a major animated picture with Angelina Jolie to do the cat's voice. Willow has asked the Disney people to meet with her people to do lunch -- most likely at Grand Central Oyster Bar.

Death Becomes Them --And Vice Versa.

2011-09-14T10:39:00.001-04:00

If you're looking for the real death panel, look no further than the line up of Republican candidates presented by CNN and the Tea Party ("Now, M'am, can you identify the one you say pinched your bottom?"). There were eight candidates for Obama's job, somewhat less than the number who line up for most jobs at job fairs, although to be fair, some, like Tim Pawlenty have stopped looking.

While ironically claiming to be pro-life, the Tea Party seems to believe that the right to life exists only until a child is born -- after that not so much.

When Rick Perry was asked if executing a man believed to be innocent bothered his conscience ( It didn't), it was clear he favored executing the possibly innocent. Certainly, as a modest proposal, if we executed a lot of poor, unemployed people, it would bring the unemployment rate down considerably, and be in line with the thinking of the founding fathers that only certain men of property were equal. The Tea Partiers cheered the fact that Texas executed 234 people while Perry was governor -- because that apparently has nothing to do with the right to life.

If the poor baby is born without health insurance then Ron Paul says let it die, and that, too, got a big cheer from the Tea Party faithful. No one on the Republican Death Panel of candidates seemed to disagree, because if the poor cannot afford health insurance then they can't have health. Certainly these people would embrace the the theories of Malthus if only they knew who he was.

Perhaps, for those who want to vote but have trouble reading, the symbol of the GOP on the ballot should be replaced with a skull and cross bones. Disaffected Republicans are saying "til death do us part." The Coffee Party has yet to be heard from, but I'm sure that they've begun to stir.

2011-09-11T09:03:00.000-04:00

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A Discovery: Perry Leads in South Polls, but May Find North Polls Tough Sledding

2011-09-09T09:17:00.000-04:00

In the Republicans' debate, Rick Perry said (I'm paraphrasing here) "The U.S. Supreme Court has made us let some guilty men go free, so sometimes we have to execute an innocent one to make up for it." Perry and the cheering Republicans for more executions in the audience were oblivious to the irony of the analogy to the story of a mob demanding Jesus' execution at the heart of the New Testament. The same people who sneered that Barack Obama was a community organizer prefer executions to community service despite the fact that it is seemingly encouraged in that same Testament.

Perry excoriated President Obama for putting Bernard Madoff in charge of the Social Security Administration, and suggested that churches ought to start excommunicating the Galileos among them that insist that there is global warming. These views found a warm acceptance in the crowd.

The fundamentalist preachers who have called the Hurricane Katrina and Irene floods the wrath of God because of displeasure with the locations where they occurred have been strangely silent about the heatwave and fires ravaging Texas. Perhaps they know little Bible and less science, and forgot that in Genesis 9:11 (yes--9:11!) God said He would no longer use floods to express his displeasure. But, in the words of the spiritual:

"God gave Noah the rainbow sign,
No more water, the fire next time!"

[EXPANDED] Life in the Alternative Universe of Comics: Truth, Justice, and the American Way

2011-09-07T09:02:00.017-04:00

Shortly after Rupert Murdock bought the Metropolis Daily Planet he fired the editor, Perry Materia White and hired Lex Luthor to replace him, since both have plans for world domination. Luthor gave intrepid reporter Lois Lane, winner of the Brenda Starr Female Reporter Pewlister Prize, a task of tracing down the origins of Clark Kent, who had been stalling when asked to produce his birth certificate for the H.R. Department. Somehow she was able to produce recordings of cell phone telephone conversations between Clark and his father Jonathan Kent back in Smallville that revealed that Clark was an undocumented alien masquerading as a native born American. Luthor later claimed a rouge agent of Homeland Security had provided them as authorized intercepts made under the authority of the U.S.A. Patriot Act.

The Daily Planet and it's evening tabloid the Daily Voyeur snatched paparazzo Jimmy Olson from his normal assignment hiding in the bushes outside the dwellings of his cousins, the Olson twins who were partying at the time with Lindsay (You Know Who But I Can't Use her last Name or She'll Sue Me), to get pictures of a supposed vessel in which the infant now known as Clark Kent was smuggled into this country.

It was revealed that Clark's real father is named Jorel El and he was initially named Kal El, Lane wrote. "We're not sure just where he came from because there is an obvious lie about him coming from outer space. But the name Kal El sounds very Muslim, and we have our doubts."

The citizens of Smallville were duped into providing a free public education for this undocumented alien, and the TV talking heads on the Faux Network (also owned by Murdock) were appropriately outraged.

As a result of the crusade by the Daily Planet it is expected that Kal El, a/k/a Clark Kent will soon be deported as an undocumented alien by a cowed Obama Administration unwilling to stand up to Congressional critics and promote the Dream Bill. "Eternal ~~Vigilantes~~ Vigilance is the Price of Liberty."

Lois Lane, who has been romantically linked to Superman in the past ("We're just close personal friends who have often been drawn together"), has attempted to get a quotation about the situation from the Man of Steel who is alleged to be a friend of Clark's as well, although no one has ever seen the two of them together in the same room. But Superman has been said to be spending some time in the Fortress of Solitude -- and nobody seems to know just where that is, because, like the island in" Lost" after it jumped the shark, it keeps shifting locations.

When this blog's Senior Gossip Columnist, Paige Sixx, asked Lois about her seeming estrangement from Superman in the past six months all she replied was "Man of Steel? Ha!"

The Supremecourtjester: The Sane Alternative to Reality

2011-09-05T09:16:00.003-04:00

In an era when television seems to be running out of real housewives ("The Real Housewives of the South Bronx"?), nothing on television seems real any more. As readers of this blog know, I am not a big fan of reality TV. As readers of this blog know, I am not a big fan of reality, and so, along with Senior Unrealist Vera Similitude, I am one of the founders of photoshoppers against reality.com.

Click on image to enlarge it

Reality is about as popular with this blog as the Congress seems to be with voters. So here are your unreal headlines for Labor Day:

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who rose to fame as the subject of a song by the Singing Nun, returns to France without incident on an Air France flight with an all male cabin crew.

The United States Postal Service has lost $9.2 billion dollars it says here. Perhaps they should look in the dead letter office, where that hat Ms. Jester knitted for our youngest son and mailed to him that never was delivered may now be gathering dust. In order to counter this dire state of affairs, the postal service will now offer overnight delivery of e-mail, guaranteed to arrive by noon the next day.

Mitt Romney, speaking to Tea Party members in New Hampshire, promises to be against what ever they want him to oppose.

Fires are raging in Texas where it is drier than the 25 counties that ban booze, and where it is hot as Hell but less attractive.

Libyan Leaders searching for Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi have hired the cold caller firm that works for Verizon and manages to find you at dinnertime asking whether you want to switch your phone or cable service. "They can find anyone at the most convenient hours." Failing that, they may have the Alumni Association fund raisers from his alma mater, The Libyan Military Academy, Alumni Association track him down to phone him for a donation.

Corporations are people -- but they are more important people than you.So Sarah Palin has suggested a Zero percent tax rate for corporations, "To eliminate any loss of federal revenues from this tax cut, we eliminate corporate welfare and all the loopholes, and we eliminate all the bailouts.” That's the ticket -- we reduce their tax rate to zero and make up for the lost revenue by plugging the loopholes that let them pay no taxes. With a brilliant mind like that it is hard to understand why she got a "D" in economics at a community college.And by the way,if you are wondering on Labor Day why there are no Management Days -- they are the other three hundred and sixty-four.

Goose in Motion

2011-09-04T13:19:00.000-04:00

I took this photo yesterday

Click twice on the image to enlarge image it

There, But For the Grace of Grace, Goes Monday Night Football

2011-09-03T07:32:00.001-04:00

Nancy Grace, the fiercest advocate for lynching Tot Mom CaseyAnthony has been rewarded for her belligerence by a turn (two senses of the word) on the floor of "Dancing With the Stars".

Many commentators jumped on her for her vitriol, but apparently the dissed Grace is not disgraced enough to keep her talking head off of network TV. Now to round out the contestants they ought to bring out Tot Mom Casey Anthony herself who is know to be an advocate of dancing the night away at clubs to compete against Grace womano-a-womano. Anthony cannot stray far from Florida where she is on probation, but perhaps the show could partner her with her probation officer.

Grace (never to be confused with "the grace of God") will dance with the same style with which she comments --full speed ahead with elbows flaring.

Nancy has not been kind to judges in the past -- now is their turn for revenge. Dancing against her is another person famous for being famous but not for Terpsichorey -- Chaz Bono née Charity Bono. Chaz will be dancing with a woman partner -- not Nancy Grace but a professional dancer.

Those viewers who are looking for actual grace under pressure, and graceful athletic performances on Monday nights may wish to switch from DWTS to Monday Night Football.

Happy Labor Day

2011-09-02T20:45:00.001-04:00

Click on image to enlarge it

Muammar Moves Capital of Libya to Engelwood, N.J.

2011-09-02T09:23:00.000-04:00

Almost thirty years ago, in 1982, the Libyan government paid a million bucks for a three-story, 10,000 square foot, 25-bedroom mansion, which they inexplicably named “Thunder Rock,” on Palisade Avenue in Englewood, a suburb in Bergen County. Perhaps the mansion is named after his favorite rock band. Muammar Qaddafi unsuccessfully tried to pitch his tent on the lawn when he visited the UN. Rumor now has it that he has declared Englewood the capital of Libya and vowed to fight on in the battle from the halls of suburbia "to the shores of Tripoli."

Thunder Rock is directly next door to the largest yeshiva in town, and just a short walk from the home of one Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. When they sent over the Welcome Wagon with a few bagels they were fired upon by the Colonel's crack female guards.--his notorious “Amazonian Guard,” an elite force of female bodyguards.

They come from all over and he did not obtain them primarily from Amazon.com, although a few are rumored to have answered ads on Craigslist. Local officials are wondering where they are bunked, because the home is in a single family zone, the area not being zone for a military barracks or any other function involving a lot of unrelated adult females living together. They want to know if it is really "The Playboy Mansion East."

Local Tea Party activists who have opposed the coming of Sharia Law to America are wondering just what law applies in the Rock. Contrary to popular belief, diplomatic missions do not enjoy full extraterritorial status and are not sovereign territory of the represented state. Rather, the premises of diplomatic missions remain under the jurisdiction of the host state while being afforded special privileges (such as immunity from most local laws) by the Vienna Convention on Diplomatic Relations. Diplomats themselves still retain full diplomatic immunity, and (as an adherent to the Vienna Convention) the host country may not enter the premises of the mission without permission of the represented country. Residents would be free to practice Sharia Law inside the house which remains U.S. soil.

The new government of Libya has claimed the property as theirs, and has already listed it with Century 21, hoping that a twenty-five bedroom mansion with 'rock' in its name would attract some local rock star like New Jersey's Bruce Springstein.

I Believe For Every Drop of Rain That Falls...

2011-08-30T13:10:00.128-04:00

I believe for every drop of rain that falls a flower grows. We in the Northeast recovering from Tropical Storm Irene will be up to our kishkes in flowers for a long time. The whole of Vermont will look like a gangster's funeral from the drenching it got.

But what does Michele Bachmann believe about Hurricane Irene? That God is trying to get our attention and apparently spoke to her out of the whirlwind about deficit reduction. Ireland and Greece got no hurricanes despite their debts. Maybe God was expressing displeasure about something else-- perhaps global warming (that's just a theory), or even Dick Cheney's apologia for his behavior in his book. Maybe God is displeased with conservative Republicans' lack of charity towards the poor-- since the earthquake and Hurricane both damaged Eric Cantor's and Peter King's congressional districts.

Rep. Peter King (R-N.Y.) says that a new Pew Research Study shows the need for continued congressional hearings on Islamic radicalization in America, after the poll found 21 percent of Muslims have observed support for extremism in their communities. “I don’t rely on polls, but the fact that 21 percent have seen extremism in their communities reinforces the need for the hearings,” King told POLITICO.

He believes for every drop of rain that falls a flower grows, and he believes that somewhere in the darkest night Al Qaeda grows. Isn't it significant that 79% of Muslims have not seen radicalization in their communities? To what can we compare those numbers to get a handle on what we, Americans, believe?

Let's look at what 21% signifies. According to one survey, 21% of Catholics don't believe in God. Another survey indicated that the same percentage of Americans believe they will be fired next year. Given the job market, that is depressing by several definitions of the word. About twenty one percent of Americans believe in witches. This roughly corresponds with half the support Christine O'Donnell got in the last election.

41 percent of Americans believe in ESP, 32 percent in ghosts, and a quarter in astrology. Twenty percent of Americans were still sure in 1999 that the sun revolved around the Earth. Gallup, the pollster that conducted the study, gamely tried to dress it up by celebrating the fact that "four out of five Americans know Earth revolves around the sun," and the Tea Party may believe that is just a theory and alternate theories should be taught in school --i.e., that the sun revolves around the Constitution.

Nine out of 10 can't find Afghanistan—even if you give them the advantage of a map limited to Asia. They need GPS just to find the nether parts of their anatomy--which rumor has it--they have difficulty distinguishing from their elbows. More than a third of Americans of any age can't identify the continent that's home to the Amazon River, the world's largest, even though the shape of that continent resembles the nether parts of their anatomy. (Hint: It's initials are "S A").

A recent poll found that a shocking 25% of Americans could not name each of the Three Stooges — Larry, Curly and Moe. Less than half were able to name the legislative, executive and judicial branches of government.

Nearly half of all Americans believe the health care reform law has already been repealed or aren’t sure one way or the other, a new Kaiser Family Foundation poll shows. Let's hope that many of them are members of Congress. Fifty-two percent of Americans believe — correctly — that the law has not been repealed, the poll shows. But 22 percent think the law has been repealed, and 26 percent aren’t sure.

Imagine what percentage of them have no idea what percentages mean.

"Good Night, Irene; Good Night Irene; I'll See You in My Dreams"

2011-08-28T12:04:00.004-04:00

Click to Enlarge.
We didn't even lose power!
0o0 o0o o0o

America has agreed to use its unique resources in the hunt for Muammar Gaddafi. A scrapbook was found in his compound with a multitude of pictures of Condoleezza Rice . The following will be strategically posted on eHarmony dot com in an attempt to draw him out:
"Former female Secretary of State looking to meet former dictator to take some dictation from him. "

Won't he be surprised after he makes the date when Madeleine Albright shows up!

"Soon It's Gonna Rain, I can Feel It, Soon It's Gonna Rain, I Can Tell"

2011-08-27T08:02:00.011-04:00

Opening today with a line from the "Fantasticks," a show about a heavy duty cleaner with scrubbing bubbles.

Al Qaeda has issued a press release taking credit for Hurricane Irene's destruction, saying a sleeper low pressure cell is responsible, reports our Senior Weather Editor Di Urnal from her bar stool at the Iso Bar & Grill.

I would have posted earlier, but I was in the bathroom because the authorities have issued mandatory evacuation orders.

Jim Thome has returned to the Cleveland Indians after years of absence. A Plain Dealer fan poll in 2003 named Thome the most popular athlete in Cleveland sports history. However, in 2002 he left as a free agent to play for the Philadelphia ~~Cheesesteaks~~ ~~Fillets~~ Phillies. (When players nearing retirement go join a team named the Phillies can they be said to be "put out to pasture" or "put out to stud"? Just wondering) Thome returned to a standing ovation yesterday. LeBron please take note.

All professional sports games, Giants, Jets, Yankees and Mets scheduled for today and Sunday have been postponed due to the Hurricane packing 100 mile per hour winds. This gives a new and different meaning to the term "blow out."

Astronomers have found a planet made of diamonds--ten billion trillion trillion karats. It's too bad Liz Taylor didn't live to see this, although it would be nice to think that's where she is now. We propose they name the planet "Bling."

Tea Party members who have said that this week's combination of an earthquake and hurricane is God expressing his wrath are ignoring the fact that the earthquake was centered in Eric Cantor's congressional district. Cantor has urged that his district receive no federal aid unless corresponding cuts are made in funding for NPR, homeless shelters, and food stamps. These are the people who don't believe in science, and say the end of days is coming because days are getting shorter and nights are getting longer.

This Image I Made Has 17,000 Hits on Flickr

2011-08-25T20:32:00.004-04:00

Click on image to enlarge it or check it out at http://www.flickr.com/photos/supremecourtjester/6082625582/in/photostream

All Hat And No Muammar

2011-08-24T21:42:00.009-04:00

As this video makes clear

the Libyan rebels have been able to liberate Muammar Gaddafi's hat, but unfortunately his head was not in it at the time. So far the rebels have been all hat and no ~~cattle~~ Muammar, but they're keeping a look out for him and peering in all the spider holes they can find.

The colonel was sure that his people loved him and would defend him to the end, but just in case it's a good idea to have a labyrinth of underground escape tunnels when their love presses too close for comfort. It's also a good idea to have about two hundred billion dollars socked away in other countries, too, just in case you run low on pocket cash and NATO has cancelled your Visa card (not to mention your actual visa).

There has been no word yet on whether Gaddafi's corps of armed and ~~gorgeous~~ dangerous female virgin bodyguards has been captured. If anyone has corralled them, he's not letting on, just in case his wife wants to know what he did when he was in Tripoli. (How ya gonna keep 'em down on the oasis after they've seen Tripoli?)

When the persona you present to the world closely resembles a James Bond super villain, you need accessories like a bevy of extras composed of aspiring starlet lookalikes to decorate your secret lair in which you plot to takeover the world. And what good are they unless they are ~~heavenly~~ heavily armed ? If there are seventy two of them, some officer of the ~~high school~~ madras club known as Future Martyrs of Islam may try to claim his reward this side of paradise.

But back to the hat. To the victors belong the spoils, and the guy who claimed this hat (Our Senior Arab Spring War Correspondent Al J. Zeera cannot confirm that he is actually named "Victor") has the biggest prize of the campaign. It will be invaluable come Halloween if he wants to go dressed either as Gaddafi (not recommended if the real thing is still at large with a million three hundred thousand reward on his head dead or alive); or as Michael Jackson.

"Al Victor" should keep this video in a safe place, for those of us who are addicted to "Antiques Roadshow" know that provenance will mean big bucks and is crucial if he plans to sell it on eBay or at Christie's "Important Treasures From Deposed Tyrants" auction this winter.

Source of Bachmann's Mission is The Same As the Blues Brothers

2011-08-23T09:15:00.001-04:00

The Office of Science and Technology Policy (OSTP) is an office in the Executive Office of the President (EOP), established by Congress on May 11, 1976 with a broad mandate to advise the President on the effects of science and technology on domestic and international affairs.

The White House Office of Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships, formerly the White House Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives (OFBCI) is an office within the White House Office that is part of the Executive Office of the President of the United States.

Michele Bachmann has announced that if she were elected President she would eliminate wasteful spending by combining these two offices in the executive branch into the Office of Faith Based Science and Marriage Like Partnerships. Bachmann, a graduate of a law school that teaches where the Constitution and the Bible diverge lawyers should work to change the Constitution and its interpretation to conform with biblical text, has announced that the same should be true for science.

"Too long we have used the empirical method and the scientific method when we should be using the spiritual method instead. Too long have we been kowtowing to Nature by attempting to save endangered species when we should be exerting our rule over the animals of the land, the fishes of the sea and the birds in the skies," she has announced. "The lesser animals must be submissive to us and our mission -- just like a wife in a marriage partnership."

Asked for an example, she responded that the theory that the Earth is not at the center of the Universe is just an untested assumption by scientists like Galileo. "Until we know how big the Universe is, something that science has been unable to tell us, how can we know where the actual center is?" she asked. She questioned whether the Universe is expanding at a rate that is so fast it can never buy pants big enough.

Ms. Bachmann said she would appoint Jake and Elmo from the Blues Brothers to jointly head the office because they have acknowledged their mission. Bachmann's new office would direct NASA to add some missionaries to its astronaut corps in case other beings were encountered who needed to be converted. "There is nothing in the Constitution about the separation of church and space," she is quoted as saying. "Besides, don't they already call these astronauts 'mission specialists?' "

Tomatillo in the style of an old engraving

2011-08-23T08:09:00.002-04:00

The tomatillo (Physalis philadelphica) is a plant of the nightshade family, related to the cape gooseberry, bearing small, spherical and green,yellow, or green-purple fruit of the same name in a brown. It comes in a paper like wrapping with interesting patterns on it.
I processed this photo I took of a tomatillo to look like an Albrecht Dürer print by cropping, zooming, removing the color and running it through a sepia filter, and then a cross hatch filter to make it look like a print.

Click on the image to enlarge it.

Sunday Verses Added to A Saturday Poem: A Parody of a Parody

2011-08-20T07:07:00.027-04:00

This poem I wrote was inspired by the book "Go The F**k To Sleep," an adult children's book, with apologies to the same.

THE CHILDREN'S DINNER DEBATING
SOCIETY ~~MEATS~~ MEETS AGAIN
or
Please Eat What The F**k's On Your Plate

You don't care for your dinner fare.
You tell me you think that it's yuckky.
And I despair as you sit in your chair.
I say to have dinner you're lucky.

Kids in Somalia have nothing to eat
And would gladly change places with you.
But in return I hear you repeat
"Oh yeah, can you name one or two?"

So you sit and you stare at what I've prepared,
And on goes our dinner debate.
And I say I don't care if you don't like what's there,
Just eat what the f**k's on your plate.

At bedtime you'll come to me hungry.
There's no snack that your gonna get late.
It's your just desserts your tummy now hurts.
Just eat what the f**k's on your plate.

Cows love sweet greens from the pastures.
The eagles love fish that you hate.
I spent lots of money on this meal honey,
Just eat what the f**k's on your plate.

You won't touch a thing that I put there.
But you and your fork have a date.
Don't cry me a ballad and just eat your salad.
Just eat what the f**k's on your plate.

As cook I am feeling rejected.
The vegetables sit and they wait.
Your tummy has room, so consume your legumes.
Just eat what the f**k's on your plate.

No, I won't make you a hot dog!
What makes you think that you rate?
If you throw a fit there, 'til breakfast you'll sit there.
'Tilyah eat what the f**k's on your plate.

I won't make you some other dinner
No mac and cheese microwaved, mate.
No alternate menu's available when you
Won't eat what the f**k's on your plate.

You're hungry you say for a burger,
While your dinner is lying in state.
You cry you despise every food but french fries.
Just eat what the f**k's on your plate.

I spent hours just cooking this dinner.
You sinner, don't be an ingrate.
If it's not made for ketchup you say that you'll retch up
The food that's the f**k's on your plate.

All afternoon you eat junk food
When you and a friend have play dates.
Despite your condition you need some nutrition.
So eat what the f**k's on your plate.

You know dinnertime is at six dear.
You act like we're dining at eight.
You scoff at Escoffier you're pissing me off. Hey
Just eat what the f**k's on your plate.

For the pickiest eater I pick, kid
You as the best candidate.
Just try it. Taste it, but please don't waste it,
So eat what the f**k's on your plate.

I saw what you hid in your napkin
And threw on the floor. I'm irate.
And though you say that it did not tempt the cat,
Just eat what the f**k's on your plate.

You won't try anything but my patience.
Tupperware will be this dinner's fate.
And, to your sorrow, you'll get it tomorrow
So eat what the f**k's on your plate.

You bitch and you moan when you're stubborn.
You'll drive me insane. That's my fate.
Daddy says: "What? Not a drive -- a short putt!"
Please eat what the f**k's on your plate.

You tell me "My tummy is hurting.
It must be something I ate."
But it no longer hurts when it's time for dessert.
Just eat what the f**k's on your plate.

Just take a few bites and you'll love it,
I know that you'll think that it's great.
And if you don't love it -- then you can shove it,
Just eat what the f**k's on your plate.

It's Friday--No Wonder Something's Fishy

2011-08-19T08:56:00.017-04:00

Burger King Deposed By Mob of Angry Vegans Dept.
The Burger King has been deposed in a bloodless (if you order your burger well done) coup. He is reported to have been granted exile on the pampas of Argentina, where beef is still an honored tradition. A more democratic menu will be available at franchises including a California burger made from guacamole -- so don't panic if the area of your Whopper where the meat usually is is a shade of green. The Burger King Burger Spring organization released the following declaration:

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the commercial bands which have connected them with a monarch, and to assume among the franchises of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nutrition and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all burgers are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable condiments, that among these are lettuce, cheese, pickles, sauce, guacamole and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, restaurants are instituted among men, deriving their menus from the consent of the consumer.. ... We, therefore, the representatives of the United Consumers of America, in drive in windows assembled, appealing to the Supreme Chef of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good customers of these franchises, solemnly publish and declare, that these Burger King franchises are, and of right ought to be free and democratically independent; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the Burger King, and that all political connection between them and the monarch, are and ought to be totally dissolved like ice in a warm soda. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred purchasing power.

When the spokesman was asked if there was anything else the movement desired replied "We'll have a side of fries with that."
o0o o0o o0o

Walk Off Run Home Dept.
Former Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell who walked off a CNN interview show before her questioning was over, accused CNN host Piers Morgan of "borderline sexual harassment" for asking about her views on gay marriage as she promoted a book in which she wrote about gay marriage. "Borderline sexual harassment" is apparently not something that happens to illegal immigrants when they try to enter this country, but something that all of you politicians can charge the media with when you don't want to take a position on gay marriage. What's the matter with you, Piers, haven't you heard that don't ask, don't tell is still the rule for the next month?

Auteur Voids Where Prohibited By Law Dept.

Gerard Depardieu reportedly relieved himself in the aisle of a plane cabin yesterday. According to People, the French actor’s flight was delayed on the tarmac; when Depardieu asked to use the restroom, he was told by flight attendants to wait until the plane had taken off. At that point, he apparently urinated in the aisle. He explained that he is a method actor and was just signed to star as the last little piggy in "This Little Piggy Went to Market" (opposite Miss Piggy of the Muppets). He needed to to see what it felt like to go "wee wee, wee wee all they way home," he explained. Mr. Depardieu just missed out on the role of the little toe in "My Left Foot."

Shooting Fish in a Barrel--Is That in Season? Dept.
Continuing drought makes it even easier to shoot fish in a barrel, gun enthusiast reports. To shoot fish in a barrel you need a fishing and a hunting license. To save water local utilities are urging people to consume their liquor straight up.

For Everything There Is a Season --Turn, Turn Spin, Spin Dept.
White House spinnmeister looks on the bright side of President Obama's 26% approval rating: "That means that 74% of the American public approve of Mr. Obama taking a vacation and not governing for two weeks."

A Goodwill Tour -- Sharing Punch in the Summer Dept.
The Georgetown Hoyas have been banned from the Goodwill Games after a brawl broke out on the Hoyas goodwill tour in China with a Chinese team notorious for fisticuffs that had been fined $10,000 for fighting previously. One Chinese player was caught in a still photograph trying to kick a Georgetown player in the crotch--giving an entirely new meaning to the phrase "the ball's in your court." Both these teams are known to be somewhat combative, and sending them on a goodwill tour is like sending Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer on a goodwill tour of Mexico, or sending a Tea Party member to Congress. "Hoya" is Greek for 'what," so when someone asks a Georgetown student "What's a Hoya?" the answer is "Yes."

Not to miss out on an opportunity, Pay Per View TV, home of full contact ultimate fighting that combines boxing, wrestling, and street brawling is looking into Ultimate Full Contact Basketball as an international sport; combining boxing, wrestling, street brawling, grape stomping, and basketball. Don't miss your opportunity to get in the mix as either a villain or a good guy.

"Say Hello to My Little Friend" Dept.
NRA deplores Sen. Tom Coburn's remark, ", "It's just a good thing I can't pack a gun on the Senate floor." saying it shows his ignorance of the Second Amendment and urges him to show up to the next session armed. Perhaps Coburn cannot carry a gun in the halls of Congress because he is an ex-gang member -- having been one of the Gang of Six.

Now Is the Summer of Our Dissed Content: Headlines

2011-08-18T08:15:00.019-04:00

"If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent Texas and live in Hell” is a famous statement of U.S. General Philip Henry Sheridan in 1866. Now, with global warming, Hell might be the cooler of the two. Particularly after those women from Hadassah air conditioned it.

Rick Perry suggests that weather report temperature data is manipulated by the U.S. Weather Bureau to support global warming theory, and asserts "Texas ain't so hot."

Christine O'Donnell refuses to discuss witchcraft with Piers Morgan on CNN, twitches her nose and disappears.

Jidadist calls for someone to kill Dave Letterman. FBI is taking the threat seriously--previous threats against the the creators of "South Park" resulted in jihadists killing the fictional Kenny.
"Oh my God, they killed Kenny! ...You bastards!"

Obama buys big black bus to throw the country under, GOP charges..

Republicans attack Obama for taking a vacation, his press secretary replies, "They don't want him in Washington, they don't want him out of Washington. They can never make up their minds. This is not a complaint that will resonate with the American people. The president has a 26% approval rating. Do you think they want him in Washington?"

Eleventh Circuit strikes down individual mandate in Obamacare case; NRA disappointed Congress has no power to make you buy a gun...

2011-08-15T21:11:00.002-04:00

There is currently a flash flood warning for this area. Nowadays even floods organize over the internet.

The Word on the (Sesame) Street: Bert, Ernie "Just Close Friends"

2011-08-14T12:24:00.002-04:00

The New York Times reported both Saturday and Sunday that petitions to "Sesame Street" to let Bert and Ernie marry are misplaced, and that since they are just puppets, they have no sexual orientation.

Bert and Ernie are so famous that they do not need to use their last names (if they have them), like Cher, Charo, The Incomparable Hildegarde, and many Brazilian soccer players like Pele who were too poor growing up to be able to afford last names. Bert and Ernie have tried to dispel the rumors that have persisted for years on blogs of Fundamentalists who have nothing better to do than to speculate about the sex lives of inanimate objects. In 1994 the Rev. Joseph Chambers tried to have the two muppets banned because they were gay Snopes says.

In 2002 they threatened to sue because of the rumors. In their support, Joan Rivers has remarked that there is no way that they are gay because they haven't changed their outfits in twenty five years.

Bert and Ernie have remarked that they have been stereotyped just because they are two single men living together for years who are in show business. However, our Senior Television Rumors Editor Jay Den Froode reports they have never been reported to be dating any starlets or stars--not even Elizabeth Taylor, were close friends with Michael Jackson, and only act animated when someone's hand is up their rears.

However, the pair has told T.V. gossip mongers on "Hard Edition" and the tabloid rag The New York Daily Voyeur that they are just close personal friends, and this summer will not be living together. After their contractually required appearances at Sesame Place amusement park, Ernie will be taking over a leading role in the off Broadway puppet summer stock tour of "Avenue Q."

Burt will be pursuing a project he has in development in which he plans to play the lead. It will be the next muppet movie "Terminator 4--Revolt of the Taxpayers," in which he will play a robot Governor from the Future who tries to bring solvency to a large, diverse state. Like all muppet movies it will be a musical. It will be patterned after "Annie" but set in the present day depression and may be subtitled "Arnie," and feature such songs as "The Day After Tomorrow," "It's A Hard Drive Life," and "You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Phone."

Mayhem in August Way Away in I O Way

2011-08-13T07:45:00.000-04:00

Turning away from the manic depressive stock market for a moment, the one that makes investors all a little buy ~~sell~~ polar, we turn our attention to to Iowa, where a non binding straw poll that will govern the future of the Universe is about to take place today.

This all confuses me. Apparently this pole is less than the ten foot one that most people wouldn't touch these candidates with (and judging from the TeeVee debate among them, that they would not touch one another with, either). Second, it is described as "non binding" and I always though that the literature describes straw as binding the digestive system, although many of these candidates reject science in favor of Biblical verses.

About the only thing these candidates can agree upon is that they don't like President Obama very much, and that he is to blame for everything from the crisis with the Euro, the lack of rain in the Midwest, and the riots in Britain, to the lack of affordable parking spaces downtown. These candidates make it clear, report our Senior Political Editors the Torriale Brothers --Terry and Eddie, that the one who can prove he or she is the Anti-Obama will carry the gonfalone of the GOP into the twenty twelve tilt.

Therefore, the Torriales report from the Iowa State Fair (where they have been guest judges in the Pork Barrel Contest and the Alchemists of the Midway can deep fry anything from a stick of butter to a Higgs Boson Particle i.e, Fair Fare) the Blue Ribbon Candidate palatable to Fair-goers who are telling the candidates to "get on the stick," will soon unveil the anti-Obama slogan the Gee Oh Pee will adopt -- "No, We Can't!"

It means no, we can't have affordable health care because it's unconstitutional. No, we can't plug unfair loopholes in the tax code because that would be raising taxes on the Hedge Fund Billionaires. No, we can't listen to scientists and experts because they are pointy headed people who rely on facts and provable data, and not their gut instinct of what they think might be in the Constitution somewhere.

It means no we can't afford to have Social Security or programs for the poor because that's Socialism and the Constitution says (somewhere--maybe in the Bill of Wrongs?) that we can't have Socialism. No we can't trust anyone but Fundamentalists to have any ideas because some of them are not Biblically sanctioned.

No we cannot compromise even 2% on anything we believe in even if the ~~stock markets~~ heavens fall. If we want to be in contention, it requires being contentious.

In short, No we can't all just get along.

Be Kind To Corporations Day

2011-08-12T15:12:00.000-04:00

Recently Mitt Romney told a protester that "Corporations are people, too" although he failed to say that they may be more equal than you under the constitution. It is unlikely that those of you who make a lot of money all claim to be residents of Delaware or the Cayman Islands for purposes of service of process.

A lot of people think that corporations should not be likened to people just because--well, because they're not people. They are not flesh and blood, and, like mules, they have no pride of ancestry and no hope of posterity. They live longer than you or I do--and they have no individual feelings. Will corporations now be given the right to vote--a cherished constitutional right ? Will they run for office?

To paraphrase Shylock: If you prick them, do they bleed? Well, in England they do talk about "bloody corporations."

If you tickle them, do they laugh? Well, no, not even if you tickle their annual meeting in your Filofax tickler file. But that may just because because they have no sense of humor--especially the German corporations. If you poison them, do they die? Some of they actually poison themselves with poison pills. And if they don't die, how do you pronounce "corps?"

Do they have sex lives? Well, I know a lot of people who claim they've been screwed by corporations!

And if you wrong them, shall they not seek revenge at the ballot box with their super PACS?
If corporations are "people" for purposes of the Bill of Rights, then equal protection of the laws must apply. Corporations should no longer get a better tax rate than I do because that's a denial of my right to equal protection. When corporations die, merge or dissolve they should have to pay estate taxes like you or I would have to do. They should have to serve jury duty like other citizens who claim the rights and privileges of Americans.

When a corporation is charged with an offense does it get a jury of its peers--i.e., other corporations ? If it's under sixteen years old can it be treated as a juvenile offender? If they start acting crazy, can we have them involuntarily committed? If foreign corporations violate our laws can they be deported? Can foreign corporations come to this country without a visa and compliance with the quotas on immigration applicable to their home country?

And Mitt, remind me again--on which day of creation did God create corporations?

Summertime, and the Livin' is Queasy

2011-08-10T21:08:00.008-04:00

Fourth Night Of Rioting in Britain Causes Obama, Clinton to Tell Cameron "It's Time To Go!"

Chinese, Aghast At U.S. Budget Politics, Consider Surgical Creditor Drone Strike

Iowa Candidate Suggests That Solution to Midwest Drought is to Cut Teachers' Salaries, Pensions and Bargaining Rights

GAO Reports More Cash in Republican Super PACS than In Treasury in August

No Rain Yet In Texas, Pols Now Consider Sacrificing Virgin To Volcano; May Rename Cotton Bowl "Dust Bowl"

"Who's a Good Doggie?" The Courts Will Decide

2011-08-09T20:37:00.002-04:00

In today's paper and on the evening news was a story about a service dog named Rosie (no relation tome, of course!) whose job it is to comfort victims of crimes when they testify in court. A defense attorney objected (he has a bone to pick with the ruling) because he says it creates sympathy for the victim in the jury. He intends to appeal.

A lawyer has written that he needed a service dog of his own and notice that after he got the dog his success rate in court got much better and jurors would smile at the dog. There is a myth that dogs are good judges of human behavior and won't 'like' bad people or people who are devious or under stress because they have 'bad' motives.This is obviously not true because dogs are permitted not to tell the truth, according to the old saying "Let sleeping dogs lie." {ASIDE: "The Greasy Pole" is the also eleventh episode of the BBC comedy series Yes Minister and was first broadcast March 16, 1981. Like all of the episodes, it is quite funny. The series includes one of my favorite lines in which the secretary is attempting to convince the minister not to get involved with an issue, and suggests the minister say he hasn't seen something that he did see. This exchange ensues: The minister asks, "Are you suggesting we lie?" "No, Minister, we should not lie." "Who should lie, then?" "Sleeping dogs should lie, Minister."}

So what do we do about dogs in the courtroom? What happens if the judge or court stenographer who sit near the witness box are allergic to dogs? If the witness needs the dog because she is under stress and the dog comforts her, can the defendant have a dog, too? Facing twenty to life can be kinda stressful, too because a conviction can ruin your whole ~~day~~ next couple of decades? If the defendant can't have the dog all the time can he have one when he testifies?

Can drug dealers bring their pit bulls into court to comfort them (and occasionally snarl at the jury if they give him disapproving looks? ) Would you have let a youngster testifying against Michael Vick bring a dog into the courtroom?

Would they hire the neighbor's dog that the Son of Sam said told him to kill people as a comforter for a defendant?

Dow Down/ Mercury Up: Long, Hot Arab Summer: Aren't You Glad It's August?

2011-08-06T06:51:00.003-04:00

This morning Standard and Poor's lowered America's grade, and the new grade is unacceptable to PRes. Obama, who may require Congress to go to summer school to raise it.

Congresswoman Bachmann urges GPO to stop buying vowels from Wheel of Fortune, or at least cut back, and put vowels out for competitive bid. She also suggests that Congressional record become the Congressional CD. Quorum calls should be made on Skype, she says, to cut back on costs.

New Obama Administration consumer protection measure would require anti-virus software to be approved by Federal Drug Administration, list possible side effects ("May cause overbytes and datarehea,") and contain the warning--"If your floppy disc drive remains hard for more than four hours, seek help from the Geek Squad immediately."

All Three Credit Scoring agencies (Trans Union, Equifax and Experian) downgrade U.S. score to mid-500's, and suggest Treasury seek debt counseling, and make a budget "it can live within." U.S. Mint still complains that Congress spends the money faster than they can print it.

Leading opponent of Climate Change science and Global Warming denier, Hal Bin Yarrow, died in Oklahoma Friday of heat stroke.

Pay for FAA workers told to work without salary restored when someone points out to Congress the wording of the Thirteenth Amendment.

Tea Party suggests that Executive Branch be privatized to get the government out of the business of governing where it does not belong, until they compare president's salary to CEOs Bud Selig ($18 million per year) or Roger Goodell ($20 Million), who are in a league of their own when it comes to compensation.

Defendant Complains About His Dream Defense Attorney

2011-08-04T17:18:00.001-04:00

When I took Equity in law school, way back in the days when the world was still in black and white, I learned that there were maxims of equity -- which, it turns out, are mostly Latin sayings and not a Michelin Guide restaurant. One such maxim is

Vigilantibus non dormientibus æquitas subvenit.

Equity aids the vigilant, not the sleeping ones (that is, those who sleep on their rights).

Sleeping on your rights makes you guilty of laches -- which is not a skin disease or a rundown suburb of Chester, England but procrastination. Trials in equity parts were before the Chancellor sitting without a jury, who, if he caught you snoozing, could bang you on the wig with his gavel, or kick you with the chancellor's foot.

But laches only has to do with sleeping on your own rights-- what happens when you sleep on someone else's rights?

It turns out a little catnap during cross examination in a criminal trial may not lead to a reversal of a conviction for ineffective counsel. A lawyer is "effective," the Sixth Circuit Court of
Apeals has opined, as long as he or she is conscious for a "substantial portion" of the trial. See, Muniz v. Smith, No. 09-2324 (6th Cir. July 29, 2011). You can doze off during the boring and insubstantial parts of the trial as long as you don't snore loud enough to wake up the judge.

The attorney in Muniz was sleeping for a portion of the cross examination of his own client--and why not? He'd heard that story a dozen times before. A defendant is entitled to a lawyer at every critical stage of the trial courts have held; and cross examination, in which the prosecutor is being critical of the client, is surely such a stage.

A juror submitted an affidavit that said:

"4. While the prosecutor was cross-examining Mr. Muniz, I glanced at
defense table and was surprised to see that Mr. Muniz’[s] defense
attorney [was] sleeping;

5. It was apparent to me that Mr. Muniz’[s] attorney was actually
sleeping through a portion of his client’s testimony."

But the court held that the cross examination was a scant twenty-six pages, and the attorney objected at the end of the testimony, so it was not as if he had changed into his pajamas and brought a blanket. We are not told what the attorney objected to, perhaps it was that the cross examination was over and interrupted his beauty sleep by requiring him to call another witness.

The court wrote "“To establish prejudice, [Muniz] must show that a reasonable probability exists that, but for counsel’s deficient performance, the result of the proceedings would have been different.” Tibbetts, 633 F.3d at 442."

Apparently The Sixth Circuit was not familiar with the Maxim of Criminal Law "If you snooze you lose" which is a penumbra of an emanation of an offshoot of the doctrine of laches.

Was defense counsel embarking on a preplanned strategy? If he let the jury see him sleeping they would see he had contempt for the prosecution's case that was so weak that the defendant didn't even need his help. Or perhaps the jury would feel sympathy for a defendant who could not afford a good lawyer. Muniz told the Sixth Circuit that he had a poor lawyer, a lawyer who was so poor he couldn't even pay attention.

This case taught me a lesson, because I always thought that the defense could not rest until the prosecution rested!